Seeking Help about my Boyfriend who's a survivor

[MeredithK79]

I currently am dating a survivor of child molestation. He was
molested from 10-14 by a neighbor hood guy that was friends of the
family. The guy was caught for molesting other boys, but my boyfriend
never admitted it that he was one of them. We've been dating for four
months and things have started to fester.

I caught him emailing random women online for sex and after him not
speaking to me for a week, he told me he knows he has a problem. He
told me he needs help and he's lost and he finally told his mom about
it. I'm not sure if he actually did tell her but I want to be
supportive and try to help him. He just seems so distant now and
although he tells me he loves me, I never know when I'm going to hear
from him anymore. We used to talk all day every day and now it's hard.

He feels as though he's not good enough and that I can find someone
that isn't messed up like him but I don't see it that way. This isn't
his fault and I was just wondering if anyone could give me any
suggestions. I'm trying as hard as I can and I'm wondering if the
lack of communication about it is a big factor. We've never really
talked about us since we didn't talk for a week besides a little here
and there.

I'm wondering what made other people open up and seek the healing
process. Even if he choses to not be with me, I want him to be able
to have a real relationship some day, and if I can help him in doing
so, then if anyone has suggestions I'm all ears.

I just don't know if I should back of or be persistant and supportive and try to make him see he deserves love just like everyone else. I can't imagine survivors have gone through
and from reading the books I've read, I know it's not easy.

Thanks you for taking the time to read this. -Meredith

 

[SAR]

Hi Meredith,

I don't know you or your boyfriend, but my first thought is that it's difficult to really judge anyone based on their behavior during the first several weeks of a relationship.

I've had good friends who spent way too long with partners who treated them badly for months and years, just because those first few months were so great... so they put up with all sorts of hell, imagining all the time that any day, the person they were with would just become that character from the first date again. It never happens.

In response to your question about what makes people open up-- my experience is that people change the way they cope with problems, when their current method of coping stops being effective *to them.*

To you, it may seem that his methods "aren't working" or that there are better ways to cope (such as seeking outside help), but every method has its positives and negatives, and as he sees it right now, the negatives of how he's coping probably aren't enough to convince him to seek another way of doing things.

All you can make anyone see are your own behaviors. Listen but don't push, trust him to take care of himself but don't allow yourself to be mistreated. The abuse is not his fault, but he's responsible for his behaviors right now. That includes emailing women and not speaking to you for a week. When he is ready to seek healthy relationships with healthy people, I assume that you'll want him to think of you as one of those people, and not as someone who was willing to allow a great deal of dysfunction into the relationship in the name of support.

SAR

 

[Lloydy]

Meredith
The abuse guys went through, and girls as well, when young was a huge breach of trust.
As kids we trust adults, we trust everyone who's older and has some kind of authority over us broadly speaking. Abuse shatters that trust, seemingly forever.

As adults many of go about our lives not really trusting anyone, not even people we love. We harbour unfounded suspicions that "they must want something in return".
That's so damaging for any relationship, as you're finding out. And often we build on those kind of feelings, subconciously, and develop them into the kind of thinking your guy is telling you; "He feels as though he's not good enough and that I can find someone
that isn't messed up like him but I don't see it that way."
You don't see it that way, but he's convinced himself over a period of time that he's "a nobody".

As you have already discovered the problems of one person in a relationship having been abused are many, and difficult to deal with. But the place to start is let him know that you trust him, you do believe him. Create a safe environment for him to disclose, or at least feel safe with his thoughts while he begins to sort them out.

You've done the hardest part, you made a decision to help him.

Dave

 

[Cupcake]

Meredith: disclosures are always on his terms and his timing. this is my experience. if you feel like you've been left holding the bag, because he's created distance between you, you're in good company. i say this to you----guard the bag. he likely does not want you to reveal what's in the bag. the bag is for you and when he wants to open the bag, he will. it's slow healing, and he must be in control of the healing. it's his pace and he has the most to gain from it. so let him have his space but let him know too that you are there for him, trust him, believe him, and will listen to whatever he wants to share with you. because at the end of the day, if we ask questions they don't want to answer, it makes them uncomfortable and that's really not the goal. make sense?