seeking 12 steppers--fearful of telling on myself

[fhorns]

Anyone can jump on this. I really need to dump this, and it's not even SA related. Part of me is needing to come out, yet today (2ce) I've screwed up opportunities

I've been in 12 step programs for the last 7 years or so, and my main issue is---lying to myself (known as codependency) . I now have a sponsor who won't endorse my bullshit, I left 3 voicemails this morning, he called back 10 minutes ago, and I..................couldn't share. He told me to call back when I was ready to talk....and he hung up. Truth can hurt.

I've been angry at God (haven't felt able to tell him), and I'm turning it toward myself. I'm at home, I listened to Debtor's Anonymouse Youtube testimonials (debting is an issue too)......and I feel helpless to change.

I see this problem, walk up to it, study it, and embrace it. When you or anyone sees me, I play like I'm 2, close my eyes, ignore you thinking you won't see it either. I've thought you (maybe God) would hurt me/abandon me, like Dad did.

That's exactly why I couldn't/can't/won't when I'm scared. I always expect my "saviors" to fail me hard.

I'll take any honest feedback here or via PM. I'll give my phone number in PM too. Isolation is hurting me bad.

fhorns

 

[fhorns]

Is this what it'll take for me to find my bottom? I've been praying for this--hoping I'll find my end, my racing from this to that to this........perpetually.

 

[fhorns]

Being angry at God makes me expect abandonment. So I've not shared this openly to people close to me

 

[newground]

hey man
I cant address this exactly because I have always refused to think about 12 step things. I cannot up to this point in my life invite ANYONE to share my shame. but for what it's worth I think that the sponsor who won't endorse is just as damaging. there has to be room for mercy. somehow it has to be acknowledged that just calling him was pretty great.Its not perfect I know but it is SOMETHING. being angry at God is not surprising man He is so much more he KNOWS things that we can not know. but he is not worried about our anger he knows how frail we are. His concern is for us. He wants us and that will not change no matter how angry we become. So far as hitting bottom goes, what is it you are looking for? if you don't know then how will you know when you hit it? I think the better thing there is to search yourself . it sounds like you are tired of what is. certainly we don't want what was so the only thing to do is find a likely path and begin to move to the way we want it to be. That takes community. people who are willing to be invested. and a LOT of reminders posted all over of just why we are on this journey. we have to remember what it is we want to leave because after we get just a few steps away from it it's easy to forget how miserable it is. we need those reminders to keep us on that forward trail.
I don't know if that is helpful man it is mostly my thoughts but for what it is worth, I think that you are a good man...always were. we just need to move away from the bad habits we have picked up in trying to cope.
Jeff

 

[Nothing Man]

Part of the 12 steps of AA, of which I am a member, is that we take a fearless inventory of our personal faults, whether they be few or many. But just listing our faults is not enough; we have to be willing to deal with them, correct them, fix them, and to do that we first have to accept them as our own. This was the hardest part of the 12 steps for me, because I had to admit to myself (and one other human) the extent of my faults. I had to bare myself, so to speak, and it was terrifying.

If lying to yourself is your biggest fault, then you can do the next right thing and talk about it with someone you trust. Your sponsor does not sound like he will tolerate games, and maybe that's a good thing for you to hear. If you really want to break the cycle you will need to actually work the program. Nobody said it was easy but that's why we give each other our phone numbers in AA. Isolation is like the kiss of death; we cannot fight our demons, whether they be alcohol, narcotics, sex, gambling or even debt unless we team up with others who have walked the path we are on now.

I know you are frustrated. I have been there. Perhaps you need to have a one on one with your sponsor and you both lay your cards on the table. I was not one to open up. Doing it was terribly difficult. But it did help.

I wish you peace and recovery.

 

[newground]

I tried to pm you but your in box is full. I don't want to contribute too much here because I really do have a LOT of respect and admiration for the guys who stay with it in 12 steps. I just can not do it. For me talking to T is all I can do and WAY more than I want to do. I do think that you are awesome! for being there and I am sure you will find your voice.
Jeff

 

[fhorns]

I erased some PM messages Jeff. Thanks for letting me know. Now I know why others hadn't responded to PM's in the past.
.........................................

Had a really bad afternoon. I interpreted my daughter's verbal response to me very disrespectful about an alternative I offered to a request of hers. After attempt 3 on my part to offer a solution, I blew.

Cut to the end. I told her I didn't want to be around people disrespecting me, and told her to get the F*** out of my car (once home in her driveway). .....she's 10. Acts like her bitch mother.

I came home, took a long walk--and got angrier. Usually I calm down.

Got home, texted my ex about our daughter. No reply. I asked if she would speak to her.

The reply I got pissed me off. Why? It was entirely about me. No fault found in our daughter. It was "you're wrong". She has (never? mostly) backed me.

I texted her this, then blocked her texts: "You are a worthless tramp of a parent. She could murder someone and you'd defend her. You are a monster and creating one in your image. You are wrong. How dare you."

It has been maybe six months since I've attacked my ex's parenting---and my part is she did not give me what I wanted--to be given dignity by the witch I married. She was once beautiful--she's an emotional whore (I spot it, I got it ) and she's a fricken coward. Telling her daughter "No" is like sin in her book. A very, very, very hurtful, and hurting, parent.

GDamit--taking my inventory as I write.


Finally, I did not want to go to my meeting tonight. I texted one guy--he gave me "when you most don't want to go, that's when you most need to"

aaaaaaaa.......

maybe, just maybe.....I'm fighting God here. Will be back in a couple of hours.

 

[fhorns]

I'm going to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting. I only do coffee (as my drug), but they work the program. That's fricken why I go. It's not a lot of bs there.

 

[Daryl X.]

I think the key is to share for you. If whoever you share with fails you, that's on them. But don't you fail yourself by not sharing. Sharing will help you wether the people you share with are reliable or not, and you--YOU! deserve to feel better.