Seeing the victim...step in being a survivor

[martin]

Sorry I havent been able to write much here on MS for the past week. Every time I access the site within 10 minutes I get a shutdown notice from my computer and it restarts. Frustrating. I had to write this in Word and paste it into the discussion board.

I wanted to share something thats been on my mind a lot this past week; the feeling of being a victim. Thoughts like I cant trust anyone they are bound to hurt or leave me, or You gotta screw them before they screw you, or I just know its my fault if only I wasnt such a shit, Ill do better next time, all seem to personify the victim mentality to me. Ive used them all myself, believed them too, at one time.

Its a bitter irony to develop the victim mentality. Its like being victimized causes you to develop this scorpions tale to defend yourself, but all you end up doing is stinging yourself to death. A punishment straight out of Dantes Inferno it would seem. Removing it would seem like the thing to do but it is so entangled and intertwined with the self it is bound to be a painful, prolonged, and complicated procedure; even fatal to that young self that you/I have so long kept protected.

The tendency one has when hearing about someones victim mentality is to shrug it off. Common things Ive heard in these instances include Why dont you just straighten up, You gotta a chip on your shoulder, and the oft repeated Should haves Should have this, should have that.-- I heard the should haves so many times growing up that they became an automatic attachment any time I discussed myself or even thought about myself, for good or bad. I was a well trained victim-- All these attitudes just tend to affirm and perpetuate the victim mentality though.

Its important to remember when you come across the victims view-- both others and your own-- that it comes well earned. Nobody becomes a victim without being victimized and nobody develops a victim mentality because they think its cool. I try to remember that and remember as well that the antidotes to this view are compassion, acceptance, validation, and patience. Remember both for myself and for others-- whats the difference there anyway?

Why do I bring all this up? Because Ive come to realize how pervasive and influential it has been in my life. The victim in me has made so many decisions and set the standards. Ive never looked for a loving relationship; I looked for someone who could cure me and make me whole. I wasnt looking for a career; I was looking for a chance to be heroic so I would be adored and finally accepted. I wasnt looking for a good life; I was looking for worldly success as a form of revenge on my family, to show them the errors of their ways in neglecting me. And when none of these things came to pass-- because deep down I never wanted any of them-- I stung myself. A victim of my sense of victimization.

Its a bitter realization to see how much I missed out on, how many good people I pushed away, how neatly I isolated myself because of being victimized. Blame my perpetrator? Its hard for me to see blaming someone for so many things that happened years afterward. Im not the blaming type or at least not the type to blame others. Its also hard to blame my perp being that he was my brother and only 2 years older than me he was 8at the time he used me as a fuck toy. I have trouble understanding what that means.

Its also in the victim genes to want to forget. When times are good we wish to forget that anything bad ever happened or act like nothing happened at all. Ive had good times, felt like Ive been on top of the world. And yes at those times I acted like nothing was ever wrong and all would be right forever. Never made any plan for rougher roads or set anything aside. Stung again.

Ive written this in the past tense; wishful thinking! The tail is still there and Im still vulnerable to get stung again. I am learning to just be me though. To present myself as just a guy, just me Oh, that scorpions tail, yeah, Im workin on it. The victim sense has shrunk and will fade some more-- in no small part due to knowing the fine men here at MS. There will probably always be some thorns to prick myself on, thats just life though.

I think the road to recovery, the road of a survivor, is simply learning to live life as an ordinary human being. Not being weighed down by woundedness. Not to say thats easy though. Its a brave and frightening thing to face the world as just a regular guy unprotected by the walls constructed by the victim. Im working on it.

Its more apt to say that survivors of SA are ordinary extraordinary human beings.

Thanks Joe, Bob, David, Ron, Danny, Mike, and Dave for your replies to my post last week. Ive though a lot about them, done some prioritizing, and decided to get some time awaysometime? Your encouragement helped me get through a rough week.

Hope to get this computer thing straightened out soon so I can participate more on MS. Thanks all.

Take good & gentle care,

Aaron

 

[Sans Logos]

Aaron,

It is very good to know you are "doing....."

Your observations are keen, shrewd and discerning. Bravo. Seems like you are on your knees right now, but I want to tell you how much your writing lifts me up.

I get a good sense that while this chapter may seem like a downer, you can most likely feel the medicine working in it. You are well on the road to being your highest and best.

I look forward to more of your regular presence here and I miss you when you are not around.

Keep having at it, brother; you've got what it takes to win.

Ron

 

[Ken Singer LCSW]

Hi Aaron:
If your computer is rebooting every few minutes, you may be infected with the MSBlast worm that is going around. Check out the www.microsoft.com website to download the patch.

Ken

 

[Green]

Aaron,

I am glad that you overcame your computer problems in order to post your letter because I find your incisive wording very helpful to me, particularly:

I looked for someone who could cure me and make me whole. I wasnt looking for a career; I was looking for a chance to be heroic so I would be adored and finally accepted. I wasnt looking for a good life; I was looking for worldly success as a form of revenge on my family, to show them the errors of their ways in neglecting me. And when none of these things came to pass-- because deep down I never wanted any of them-- I stung myself. A victim of my sense of victimization.

Thanks,

Green

 

[Lloydy]

Aaron
I'm glad Green picked this up again, I came home from a hard day's 4x4 fun on Sunday and just skimmed through the new posts.

Becoming the 'victim' wasn't just the result of SA for me.
I'd started on the victim path long before that.

Thoughts like I cant trust anyone they are bound to hurt or leave me, or You gotta screw them before they screw you, or I just know its my fault if only I wasnt such a shit, Ill do better next time,

Common things Ive heard in these instances include Why dont you just straighten up, You gotta a chip on your shoulder, and the oft repeated Should haves Should have this, should have that.-- I heard the should haves so many times growing up that they became an automatic attachment any time I discussed myself or even thought about myself, for good or bad. I was a well trained victim--

This kind of stuff was fed to me all my life, I was just an average kid, good at some things and not so good at others. But everyone around me wanted me to be the best at everything.

I remember going to school at 5 yo and writing with my left hand. I was struck across the hand with a ruler every time a teacher saw me do it, and told that "only stupid people write left handed"
So I was off to a damned good start wasn't I ?

I lived in the shadow of my older brother, and was / am constantly compared to him.
We're actually very much alike, it's just the fact that he can make sense of a balance sheet and I can rebuild a gearbox.
Someone once wrote that "Knowledge work has no hierarchies."
And I firmly believe that, but nobody else seemed to.

All through my schooling I was, well; everyone was, driven by criticism rather than praise.
So it's now wonder I think in that direction first, I automatically think of how I will fail and fuck up whatever I do. Although I am coming out of that thinking now; but it's hard to shift at 50 I promise you.

The only thing I got praise for when I was growing up was sex, so why wouldn't I carry on thinking that ?

The very thing that I was a victim of was the thing I received the most praise for, I got friendship from it.

And the sad thing is that I responded to that praise by using all my intellect and imagination to make myself better at what I did.
There was no porn around then, certainly no gay porn or hardcore stuff. So what we did was what we figured out. And I became good at that.
I would sit in classes and imagine new ways to do it.
12 year olds shouldn't be doing that, I should have been concentrating on my classes.

I've hardly passed an exam in my life, and I know I'm not stupid, but I was constantly told I was.
Even by managers right up until I was about 45.
Then the penny dropped, I was a victim.

I was a victim of circumstance, the era I grew up in, the family I grew up in, and the abuse.
It would be easy to sit back and blame all that, and expect the world to give me everything as some kind of compensation.
But that wouldn't work.

And neither should it. there are so many others out there who have similar circumstances and manage to get through life just fine.
And what I needed to do was join them.
It's not enough just to 'blame' the circumstances, I had to re-visit them, and learn from them. Blame on it's own was just going to leave me stagnating.

I had to identify the victim of those events, see how he fitted into the complete scheme of things.
I couldn't possibly change or alter what had happened, but I could begin to identify the victim as he followed his path through life. I began to understand WHY I was a victim, and not just that I WAS a victim.

Aaron's absolutely right, we missed out on so much by believing that as victims we were useless.
It stopped me from fullfilling so many potentials I now think I had, and it's hard to catch up at 50.
I certainly can't start a family now.

Being a victim isn't the greatest problem we have, thinking like a victim is much worse.

Thanks Aaron. I needed that.

Dave

 

[Mike Church]

Dave:

Being a victim isn't the greatest problem we have, thinking like a victim is much worse.

Now I think that one statement says it all. That led me down may terrible paths and screwed up my careers totally and my relationships. Now I know that and I am moving, too slowly for me, towards being a victim, acknowledging it, dealing with it and moving on to living life as it should be lived.

remember going to school at 5 yo and writing with my left hand. I was struck across the hand with a ruler every time a teacher saw me do it, and told that "only stupid people write left handed"

If it is any consolation to you I was beaten on the knuckles with a ruler and told I was a Devil's Child. Yeh Dave it was the time in which we lived as children

 

[Lloydy]

Mike
When I go past a school now and see kids playing, or play with my 6 yo niece, I see how much times have changed. And for better.

I started school at 5 yo we had perfect silence in classes and had to raise our hands to speak.
The playground was segregated; boys and girls.
We weren't allowed to play soccer in the playground, or even run. Lunch was silent as well.
About the only time we talked was to answer the teachers questions.
I hated school from 5 yo.

And just when I thought it couldn't get worse, off I went to boarding school......

Dave

 

[seeker]

Aaron,
Your post really spoke to me. Especially this part:

he victim in me has made so many decisions and set the standards. Ive never looked for a loving relationship; I looked for someone who could cure me and make me whole. I wasnt looking for a career; I was looking for a chance to be heroic so I would be adored and finally accepted. I wasnt looking for a good life; I was looking for worldly success as a form of revenge on my family, to show them the errors of their ways in neglecting me. And when none of these things came to pass-- because deep down I never wanted any of them-- I stung myself. A victim of my sense of victimization.

I feel that I have lived most of my life by what other people think of my decisions, not what I really think. It wasn't until I started to deal with my past that I realized that I had lived so much of my life not being 'real' to myself.

For me, recognition, has begun my path to wholeness. I'm only just realizing how distorted my perception of life is. Knowing that I've been seeing life through some broken glasses is helping me to see clearly. I hope you are encouraged that you are going down the right road. Thanks for sharing that with us all.

wishing you Peace

Seeker

PS 'Self Matters' by Dr. Phil McGraw has been pretty useful to me in talking about how to live an authentic life.