Seeing my cousin in women

h.beath.break

Registrant
CAUTION -- MAY BE TRIGGERING

Something strange has been recently. It started happening around two weeks ago and during that week (during my T session) I told T about the relationship I had with my cousin who was big (fat) for her age.

Anyway, at an appointment with my neurologist, I was excited to see that a receptionist of his, who I thought had quit, was there during my appointment. I was happy because I really enjoy talking to her and she's also very attractive. The moment she got up and I started admiring her figure I had a flashback of my cousin when we were kids. I was terrified of looking at her after that and I just wanted to get my med's and get out. But at the same time, I still admired her figure. I can't see any woman without seeing my fat cousins smiling face staring back at me as if she's saying, "You know you liked it", when in fact I didn't. I was never aroused the three times we tried to have sex nor any other attempt she made.

When I spoke to my therapist about it, she said that as a child I saw my cousin as a grown woman because she was much bigger than me and that any arousal would mean that I was attracted to my cousin and did enjoy the sex. The idea of that scarred me as a child since I made the mistake of looking at her the first time out of curiosity because I didn't know what we we're trying to do. Every other time she tried to touch me, have sex with me or call me "loverboy" (even thinking about that name makes me cringe) I had to disappear to god knows where, tune out her moans and what she was doing to herself.

I also, very rarely, stare at women directly, especially my therapist. The fear of becoming attracted to them is too great. But, since I tend to enjoy talking to women anyway, it's bound to happen sooner or later (or I might just pay for a prostitute). But I can't help but look and every woman I see, I see my cousin (the attractive one's anyway). It's not fair because I was just a boy. I was interested in playing, not trying to have sex. This is agony and probably the worst form of punishment God could put on a man: seeing the image of his or her abuser whenever they try to admire a man or woman.
 
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Remy,

What a thoughtful assessment you've made with your therapist of some very tough issues. I'm no further down this road than you and my T and I are still exploring the big picture of the stuff that happened with me, so we haven't really delved that much into that exact topic yet. The closer we DO get to it though, it almost is beginning to impress me as certainly at least as a big topic as the abuse with which I've mostly occupied my time here at MS so far. Who knows, maybe it is even more to the point...anyway, I'm getting off topic.

I have though, of course thought about it for 2 and a half decades in one way or another, even if it didn't realize it. In the past 6 years, I'd come to some of those same conclusions as you. As further step in this recovery process, I decided to allow myself something. I have recently begun to allow myself to stare at women in a way that my whole being didn't want to admit to wanting to for exactly the reasons you say. By that, I mean the guilt in looking at them in that way, was so great that I refused to let myself. And, well after having changed that, now allowing myself this...it's amazing the freedom I suddenly feel. I can heartily encourage this experiment Remy.

I guess, don't try to anticipate every problem down the lane you see...the receptionist, for instance. It sounds like this is someone you can already feel like you can be comfortable around. That's a great start, just take it from there and really the best wisdom is the old line, take it slow...but I say try and not be afraid...nothing ventured...

sono
 
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DJsport

Registrant
h.beat said:
It's not fair because I was just a boy. I was interested in playing,
H.beat - Remy.

I get - you were a boy.

It is great to realize this for yourself - even if it was in the past.

Good to see you growing.

Peace,
DJ
 

Zkahtt

Registrant
I don't agree with that assessment your T made. Arousal can be involuntary and pleasure is also involuntary when being stimulated.
She seems to be saying you weren't abused by your cousin.
Was your cousin the same age? Even if she was to my mind, by what you report here, you were still sexually assaulted by her.

The staring urge will start to go away as you become more comfortable with yourself and your desires. This is the voice of experience.
 
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