seeing beyond the fear

[markgreyblue]

it seems i came to a place today -

where i kind of saw - what

the fear is like -

metaphorically -

i had been stacked with so many personal precautions - for the shit thrown my way -

that -

it psycholigically was like - having all that football - shoulder pads - and pants and gear

and helmut - preventing me from really being able to see much beyond the immediate -

task -

not a very good way - or space giver - to be able

to deal with then ALSO -

WHAT I WANT -

in fact - way too scary at times to make that

apparent to anyone -

-----

the last straw came my way -

and now - I have no choice but to see - beyond -

and it's quite good -

I am reaching beyond - my pshycological helmut

view - as if they were like a hiders -

to what i want - but fortified still -

not totally raw - but still somewhat vulnerable -

i have not so much to loose and all to gain

it's interesting

and ... not bad.

 

[markgreyblue]

my dad - won't realize - he doesn't love me

i reconnected after so many years -

and then he lied to me just two days ago

- big time

he caught himself in that lie

and realized again what a jerk he is

but it confuses him i think -

---


he does what he wants - but forgets that people

are other than just - objects

- they don't like what he does - they say it -

but it doesn't matter enough to stop -

because he can't appreciate them anyways -