Secrets Homosexuals Don't Want You To Know!

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Secrets Homosexuals Don't Want You To Know!

Maybe it's me. I've seen the show "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" a few times. And I always think, "Geez, Louise. I always look like the 'before' guy and never the 'after.' What kind of self-respecting fag am I?"

Anyhow, it's nice to know that gays are kind of trendy now. At least on certain TV shows. But for the benefit of you guys who are cruising this site and not logging in, I thought I would share a few secrets with you. These are secrets that homosexuals don't want you to know, especially if you are still in the closet or are straight. Okay, here goes...

1) Gay guys put their pants on one leg at a time. It's true...but please don't let that one get out, okay?

2) Most of us hate shaving...same as straight guys. Hey, must be a man thing. But please...keep that under your hat.

3) Gay guys look just like you...okay, maybe a little more color coordinated. Ooops! Just kidding. We're slobs too, at least some of us. And some of us have even been known to shop at Wal-Mart. But please...they will take away my Gay Membership card if they find out about that one. So definitely keep it between you and me, okay?

4) You don't have to make a big pronouncement about your sexuality to post in this forum. It's okay if you just say, "Hi!"

5) We really do swing from chandeliers when we are "doing it." Okay...just kidding about that one too. My house doesn't even have a chandelier. Not yet...but I do have one on order.

6) Gay guys like to laugh. I hope you do too!

Ta-Ta-For-Now!

Jasper :D
 
Jasper,

Your post cracked me up at a time when I really needed it. What? Do you guys not even have featherboas? What is the world coming to?

I fell about at your comment on style in "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy". I always think the guy looks just fine to begin with and except for some of the really off the wall bachelor dumps I think the house looks okay as well. I have some clothes that may be in fashion, but that is only for five reasons: wife, daughter, 2 sisters, and mother. Otherwise I am in blue jeans and T-shirt, even when I teach. There have been a few times my daughter has told me, Dad, you are not leaving the house like that!!! :)

Thanks Jasper,
Larry
 
Yah, that show totally jumped the shark. Kayan is still really cute, though, and Ted might make good husband material. Tom - cynical Tom, horrified by this world and everything in it - has aged the best, I think.
 
ok that show is a life saver. i swear some of those guys really should not leave home. funny how i can spota a fashion nightmare a mile away but i need to have my own membership card revoked most of the time.

you are insane jasper. i love your sense of humor :D
 
Jasper,

Your post is great, because it reminds me of myself. I am lot like Ocsar in the odd couple. I have papers everywhere around the house. If I need to buy clothes, I always take a gay friend with me, because otherwise I would buy all my clothes at Walmart or Sam's Club. I can't arrange flowers, can't seem to coordinate colors for painting a room.

I must have been standing behind the door when these lessons were being taught about how to act gay.

Again thanks for the posts from the rest of you, so I don't think I failing to make the gay team.

Chcuk
 
I must have been standing behind the door when these lessons were being taught about how to act gay.
Click to expand...
Chuck, dah-ling!

I think it was like this. The fairy godmothers in heaven gave us a choice.

They said, we'll give you an extra sprinkling of Martha Stewart, a smattering of Streisand, and the biceps of Schwarzenegger.

Or...

We'll make something so marvelous, so totally unique, so naturally gorgeous, that we'll just have to break the mold when we're done.

Well, dah-ling! They broke the mold working on me. And you too I'm sure! Anyhow, that's my story and I'm sticking to it! :D

And the only gay guy I know who has everything? Why that's Rocky Mt. Joe, of course! :cool:

Love ya all, dah-lings!

Jasper
 
WTF? :)

I must be a fashionista. Trust me the words gay and Walmart can not be used in a sentence together other than to decry such a culturally deprived situation :D

I could have retired to the Caribbean if I charged every time I have consulted on anothers wardrobe. Look if one has to look like that "Tom of Finland" at least one can shop at PETA approved biker outlets.

America has gone downhill since Jackie and even JFK knew how to wear a sweater. If grunge is the norm for some at least try Cabellas outdoor catalogue, carhartt for Western, I have to exist here in the high Colorado desert!

Yes, I actually own a few t-shirts, but since I retired the wardrobe has aged, the local food bank and shelter did not like what I donated: like wtf is wrong with a Corduroy Jacket and turtlenecks?
Ok, the bell bottoms were a bit much, the Carnaby Street shirts, well, could get one arrested I guess :cool: You younger folks likely do not know Carnaby Street in the UK.

Martha Stewart would not be allowed in my kitchen
all that hair and toxic make-up. :eek:


They broke the mold working on me
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Let hope there be no mold in your closet ;)

Rocky Mountain Joe

For those who are challenged, I'll burn a candle
to the fashion Patron Saint.

Saint HOMOBONUS (means good man)

https://www.catholic-forum.com/saints/sainth10.htm
 
Oh my God!!! I am safe after all. I was thinking with all this posting in the Gay Forum and talking to Jasper, well, who knows, maybe its true? Homosexuality is like a virus and I have been turned? I was distraught with worry...

But tonight I tried on all the clothes I bought at the Walmart last time I was in the USA. Jeans for $9.95, T-shirt for 99 cents, the whole shebang. And I kept it all on for ten minutes before I felt ill and stripped it all off and went to hug my featherboa. I'm SAFE!!! I really am STRAIGHT :) .

I swear it was ten minutes! Really, it was dah-ling!

Larry
 
Tell the truth, dah-ling!

I hear tell you've been singing Judy Garland in the shower!

Catch you later, big boy.

Jasper
 
Oh do behave you wicked WICKED boys. Judy Garland? I have all her stuff - how did you know???!!!

Later sweetness,
Larry
 
Look if one has to look like that "Tom of Finland" at least one can shop at PETA approved biker outlets.
Click to expand...
Hey Rocky Mt. Joe!

I didn't say I wanted to look like one of those leather clad guys in a Tom of Finland drawing. I just said I admire the artwork. And what's not to like? I mean everything is so...how do I put this politely?...so exagerrated. Know what I mean?

Anyhow I just want you to know that Andy has no sympathy whatsoever for animal activists. Remember those cute baby chicks? Well, they have turned into nasty, flying, pooping in their water, getting shavings in their feed, awful little hellions!!! So Andy says if anyone wants to be an animal activist, fine. But first they have to raise chickens for a month!!!

And there is absolutely no danger of me becoming a vegetarian. I can't wait to stew the little s.o.b's

By the way, Larry, for a straight guy you do have a good sense of humor. But "camp" is something your born with, it's hard to learn. Don't you agree guys?

Well, all for now. Got to check the "stalag" for any runaway bantams.

Take care,

Jasper :p
 
Jasper,

I know, I know! Sigh.... Well, I did my best. Guess its back to the Spiritual Forum for me...

Larry
 
Sorry, Larry!

If I could sprinkle a little fairy dust...maybe that would do the trick. But what can I say? I'm all out at the moment.

Of course, it kind of puts me in mind of that old joke:

First Man: My mother made me a homosexual.

Second Man: Oh, good! If I give her enough yarn, will she make me one too?

Okay, that was bad.

Time for all of us to visit the spiritual forum.

Namaste,

Jasper

Ohm...Ohm...Ohm...Ohm..........
 
This thread has made my day. My sides hurt from chuckling. I hope you guys all keep your great sense of humour.
 
Ohmmmmm.........

Ohmmmmm.........

Ohmmmmm.........

Ah!!!!! That goes so great with a gin and tonic and a sausage on a sunny evening. :D

Larry
 
Have you seen Jeff Foxworthy's answer to the show? It features 3 rednecks who travel around and "grunge up" gay men - it's an absolute scream.... they're trying to teach these guys to wear flannel, scratch their cojones (yes, in Miami we Gringos learn the choice words first), drink beer and belch. Truly disgusting stuff

BTW, Judy Garland isn't the only dead giveaway... what about Liza, Barbara, and Dionne Warwick? Hmmmm?
 
Hey wait a minute! This isn't unmoderated! What's wrong with flannel! :mad:

What about Aretha? Good grief. I have a lot of stuff to throw away if I want to remain straight.....

Larry
 
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