Secret for 24 years

TryNormal

New Registrant
I was forced to have sex 24 years ago and just told my wife. We were watching TV and a woman was trying to have sex with a man who was trying to get away. It made me angry and I let it all out. The woman who did this to me was a friend that had issues. She and I were part of a group of friends that went out to clubs and bars every weekend together. She sometimes got so drunk she’d pass out. The rest of the group didn’t care that she was left in a club passed out. I would make sure no one did anything to her and carry her to the car when we left. When she was this drunk she’d accuse me of wanting to take advantage of her but the next day she’d thank me for taking care of her. We became good friends and when she wasn’t drunk we had a good time.

I never had any intentions other than being friends with her and nothing sexual ever happened between us. We went out and got drunk lIke we often did one night. We went to my apartment after and I was sleeping on the floor. She got on the floor with me and was trying to get me to have sex with her. She alternated between berating me and asking me why I wouldn‘t have sex with her. It seemed like her feelings were hurt because I wasn’t doing it and then she’d call me pussy and say I was scared to do It. I finally let her and within a few seconds she asked what I was doing to her and went back to bed.

I was afraid she’d accuse me of assaulting her. She didn’t. She got up and left the next day, She told all our friends that we had sex. We never spoke again. I was left feeling like the bad guy and was confronted about it in public and shamed for having sex with her. I let people think I willingly had sex with her to save her embarrassment and I also thought I wouldn’t be believed. I had been accused by her of trying to take advantage of her when I’d make sure she got home when she was passed out drunk which was not true. I was always nice to her but felt like she finally found a way to make me the bad guy.

I now feel extreme guilt after sex and I feel like this was the cause. It got worse as I got older. Now that I’ve told my wife about guilt seems to have gone away.

I’m not sure I should have told my wife this or what she thinks about me now.

I wonder if she thinks I made too big of a deal about this. Maybe I did.
 
I don't think you're making too big a deal about it. It's society that tells us that we should minimize it, that men can't be abused and that we should be grateful every time a woman comes on to us. But society is wrong. People who tell us that it was no big deal are wrong.

Good for you for letting it out. Now it sounds like you have to have another conversation with your wife about how she is holding up now that she has this knowledge. It might not be easy for her as she is a member of society as well, with exposure to all the same bullcrap the rest of us have been told.

Let us know what happens. We've got your back.
 

TryNormal

New Registrant
Thanks for commenting Strangeways. I waa hoping someone would let me know their opinion. My wife listened appears to believe me. I‘ve been concerned that she may think I’m making more out of this than I should and is just humoring me. She’s given me no evidence of this, it’s just my feeling.

It seems like telling her and being believed has helped me. I have a lot of issues that come out sometimes when we have drinks. I‘ve never been taken seriously and now it appears that may have changed.

I was manipulated by 3 girls for years in the 90s and have never been able to recover from it. The girl that forced me to have sex was one of them. I‘ve talked about it with a female friend and said a few things to my wife but no one takes it seriously. I think telling her the about what this girl did to me may make her take me seriously.
 
I‘ve been concerned that she may think I’m making more out of this than I should and is just humoring me. She’s given me no evidence of this, it’s just my feeling.
Trying to read others' minds, or actually thinking that we can, is one of the hallmarks of what we all go through. I'd caution you to ask her what she really thinks and consider whether you can take her words at face value or not.

Your wife can speak for herself, so there's no need for you to imagine what she might be thinking.
It seems like telling her and being believed has helped me.
That's great! It seems like this is something your wife might also like to know.
I think telling her the about what this girl did to me may make her take me seriously.
Tread lightly, as it seems to me like there's no reason she's not taking you seriously right now.

Her response to another conversation may tell you what to do next. But don't stay in your head - you'll have to actually have that conversation. You've already done one big, brave thing. You can do another.
 

TryNormal

New Registrant
Thanks for the advice Strangeways. My wife is great, I’m lucky to have her. I did tell her that believing me helped.

There is a lot more that led to what happened to me. I may talk about it here if I feel like it will help. I believe one minor event defined my life. I went down a very strange path with relationships with women that I have to fight going back to forever.
 

kmac

Registrant
I'm sorry that you were put through that...but also on the same hand, your friends excessive drinking and aggressive sexual behavior tells a sad story about something she experienced. It's a shame that you became a victim ....of a victim.
 
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NewGerasene

Registrant
@TryNormal it's terrible what that woman did to you. Not only did she take advantage of your kindness, she manipulated and coerced you while you were under the influence.

I'm also upset by the 3 girls who manipulated you. I was bullied by some girls in High School. They would follow me and make comments and grab my butt. It would have never occurred to any of us then that this was harassment, because they were girls and I was a boy. It was humiliating and I hated it. It's not fun to write about it now. But I don't think I knew it counted as anything.

The reason I came to this sight though was summer abuse by my brother and my mother. I told my wife about it, and she didn't believe. She did, though, give me permission to get help. That's gotten better over time.

It sounds like your wife is being supportive; that's great. It really does help to be listened to.
 

GarryDex

Registrant
I find being listened to, more to the point being believed is quite a considerable load off of my mind. Whether that validation comes from online sites like this one or from a therapist or a friend or significant other.

Before I told my story I thought that no one would believe me. Because that's what my abuser told me. When I first talked to my therapist and she believed me is I sat there and cried. The relief wasn't just in the validation, but also knowing that she had talked to others in my situation. Maybe not my exact situation but some similar enough that she knew how to help me and didn't judge me

Cherish your wife for her understanding make sure to tell her how much it and her mean to you.
 
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