Secondary Victims -- thoughts?

[kolisha54]

Thanks for your musings & probings - speaking only for myself, I can tell you that the mere fact of your taking time to confront all of this gives me great hope.

Don't have time at work to respond in detail, but one of your comments really stuck in my mind:

It may sound odd... but I would actually PREFER to be characterized as selfish, etc! The way I look at it, "selfishness" is something I can work on & improve. If I have been careless or unintentionally insensitive, I would 100% certainly want to know - because if I do not know, I can't possibly do anything to change.

What I find most hurtful is not accusations that I have done something wrong or acted badly - what I find most hurtful is those long silences that many of us Supporters have had to endure. It is when we are told nothing that we feel most invalidated.

And YES I would CERTAINLY LOVE LOVE LOVE some direction about this!!!!

Thanks for being so candid & thoughtful!

 

[Abby]

Originally posted by kolisha54:

It may sound odd... but I would actually PREFER to be characterized as selfish, etc! The way I look at it, "selfishness" is something I can work on & improve. If I have been careless or unintentionally insensitive, I would 100% certainly want to know - because if I do not know, I can't possibly do anything to change.

What I find most hurtful is not accusations that I have done something wrong or acted badly - what I find most hurtful is those long silences that many of us Supporters have had to endure. It is when we are told nothing that we feel most invalidated.

And YES I would CERTAINLY LOVE LOVE LOVE some direction about this!!!!

I subscribe Kolisha's words, those are exactly my feelings. I would be so grateful for a direction on this. Especially now.

 

[SAR]

Danny

You will get no grief from me talking about personal responsibility.

I want to respond to this:

Partly I suppose because I hate to think of any more victims. The world seems so full of us.

I know it's hard for people to think that the after-effects of their own victimization have affected others harmfully... at least it has been for me. It's hard to shake the guilt and doubt, to finally claim that "it wasn't my fault"-- and then to have to take another step back and say-- but wait, I did a hurtful thing, to someone I cared for-- is that my fault? Did *I* do that, or did my abuse/abusers?

It is difficult to be on either side of a relationship where someone is trying to work that out. I don't know how one would work that out alone-- meaning, without some kind of interaction/feedback from the other person involved. Doesn't mean I don't think it's possible-- just means that my boyfriend and I have done a lot of communicating on these issues and I can't image how I'd feel without having had those conversations.