second thoughts

second thoughts
D

doctorfrau

Registrant
Now I'm not even sure if I should sew the stupid animal pillow or not. I have the pattern cut out, but will it end up making me feel even worse? Will it make me dwell on things to sew this up? Even now it makes me cringe to anticipate a negative reaction. I feel this flush, and then the tears come. Once again, it is as if I am afraid of you - afraid of your reaction - afraid of rejection.

If I'm going to do it, I need to do it now. I need to send it soon - before I start rotations, so that more rejection and harsh words don't wreck and derail me while I am on the wards.

I should make it a closure thing - a goodbye gift. But that's what I intended the book to be that I sent last fall. It didn't happen. I couldn't stay away. I am looking for some magic formula to exorcise your presence from my heart, but I haven't found it yet.
 
Kathy
you having a tough time then ?

Stick around, cry on our shoulders if you want.

Dave :) ;)
 
Yeah, too much sitting around makes me think too much. I guess that was kind of an open letter to him. Certain things happen that remind me of him, and then it makes me sad. Yesterday, it was church. When I was having my crisis of faith the other year, he was the one that helped me through it. It makes me sad now when I go to church and think of him, that a man who could be so open and sharing about his faith could now be so closed and cold. I keep trying to let go, but it is hard.

Sorry, Just venting I guess. I have been composing Word files for months and months - sort of letters that never get sent. Now I'm starting an on-line journal, just so I can feel that I'm sending my thoughts "somewhere", since I can't send them to 'him'. I guess that mess spilled over into here yesterday :rolleyes:
 
Don't feel like it is a "mess" spilling over here. I really appreciate your posts & can definitely relate to the feelings.

-BB.
 
Kathy,

If you promised (even just mentioned) the pillow, finish and send it. Who knows where it might lead? If nothing else, it will make you a woman of your word and you will not have to think about it any longer.

Why does it have to be such a final thing though? I know the good memories bring with them wishes for more but who knows where he is at this moment in his dealing with SA. What if, he can hardly be there for himself, let alone for someone else.

It sounds like you want more and he is not there. Dwelling on it does not seem to make it so. Consistency might bring some resolution but I would not bring expectations into it yet.

With SAs it is hard to tell what tomorrow will bring. It is difficult to count on them for support, especially during the difficult periods.

Hope we can be here for you in the meantime.

Peace,
Freedom.
 
Thank you. I needed that.

I worked on the project all day. I do want it to be finished and off my mind. Maybe I'll post a pic in the original post, so y'all can see what your encouragement brought.

Kathy
 
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