Second Opinion, live with Pain OR (Triggers)

Second Opinion, live with Pain OR (Triggers)
M

Muldoon

Registrant
Traveled to La Crosse today to have an altra sound and talk with the specialist. Here 44 years after the abuse and I am still feeling pain from what was done to me. Below is a bit of my story.

Toms scrotum problems began in May 1961 at the age of 11. While being rape by Father Ryan his parish priest Tom tried to escape. That made Father super mad and he grabbed Toms scrotum.
"Shut Up and Stop That" Father said as he crushed down on Toms testicles.
Tom all most pasted out from the pain he was feeling. Tom froze with fear as Father finished raping him.


I had 6 different operations from age 15-30 to correct the damage done by Father Ryan. I am sterile unable to father children because he crushed the tube that carries the sperm out of the testicles. Now at 55 all the scars from being cut open 6 times are inflamed most every day. The meds help some days but most are pain felled.

The last doctor I saw recommends that I have my left testicle removed to live without pain. If I were a normal man my right side would make enough testosterone. But I am not normal. A little more of my story

At 12 years old Toms left testicle grows big and the right does not grow at all. Tom becomes the freak in the locker room as other boys make fun of his huge left testicle. Tom drops out of sports.

The altra sound today showed that the right side is 1/4 the size of my left. It is still an 11yo boys testicle and it will not produce enough testosterone. I would have to go into the doctor every 2 weeks to get a shot if I remove the left side.

Somedays like today it feels as if Father Ryan is reaching up from HELL to crab hold of me again. Still cant get the fucker out of my life.

Guess I will just have to learn to live with the pain. Sure I am not alone, beat half my brothers here still have effects from the abuse. Tom


edit only to add trigger warning
 
Needing to get a shot every so often will no doubt be annoying, but you know, i think i'd prefer that to constant pain.

When you think about it, people with diabetes have to take their shots every day, so you can get used to it.
 
Hi Tom,

Thats so rough the only pain I get from what happened is somatic I cant imagine how it would feel to have such a physical reminder of the abuse. I cried after reading your post it got me in touch with just how horrible this stuff is. Its not an easy choice of course but to be free of the physical pain would be such a relief and might help shift that feeling that the creep is still grabbing you.

Peter.
 
Tom,

Hope that whatever treatments you choose, they will bring you relief from your pain.

You're a good man and you don't deserve any of this suffering.

It makes me sad to hear about what happened to you.

I'm just glad that you're a part of the MaleSurvivor bunch now, and all that horror will never happen to you again.

Keep coming and sharing what's happening with you. I care; we care a lot about you and want to know how you are.

Take care and best results for you,

Regards,
 
I think I would go for the shots.

I know this does not compare, however I used to go once a week for alergy shots and evetually they allowed me do do them at home myself. I wonder if you could work something out.
 
The easy way for home shots are subcutanous (under the skin). These don't require hitting a vain and are alot easier.

Also I could be wrong but I think they offer a testosorone gel.
 
Tom,

I can sympathize a little. It's not an easy decission. I'm going to ramble for a little bit, but will jump back to it in the last paragraph.

**** possible triggers follow ****

As an eleven years old I fought back and was hung out a window for it. On my fifteenth birthday I thought I was big enough to fight back again, for that I had my right testical tore from my body. I never had anything done with it. Most of the time I could handle the pain, enviably any partner I had would eventually touch it just right to put me in severe pain.

About years ago the pain got to a point I couldn't handle it anymore. I'd end up in the hospital on regular occassions for morphine to get it back to a controlable level with Vicodin ES. The urologist wouldn't operate because I had let it go to the point that I was having phantom pain even though it was still there. Even if he operated he said I would still feel the pain. I broke down crying in the doctor's office begging him to remove it. According to my journal that was May 3rd. The week of June 1st was a bad one; three specialist, three needs to have surgeries for biopsies. The second one was for masses in that right testicle. Finally it was going to be removed. The doctor said he would try to save it if he could, I wanted it out.

I had the surgery two days before the Alta retreat weekend. I came out of the surgery wanting to run around. The nurses had to make me stay put. I had never felt so good. I went into surgery in severe pain and came out without pain, at least it felt like it. The first question I asked was if it was still there. He saved it and I was disappointed in that. He reattached it to my body and sewn it onto my scrotum so it won't hang. Luckily no cancer in either, as with the surgery the week before on my throat.

The doctor was somewhat right. Most of the time I am pretty much free of pain, sometimes it's pretty bad. Last week was a painful week, this week it is painful with 'phantom pain'.

Aren't you glad I didn't type in my journal entries on this topic?

**** end triggers ****

I digressed. For me the decission to get rid of the source of the pain was fairly easy to make. I was ready to go through the hormone replacement for a chance to get free of the pain and the constant daily reminder. Not that not having a testicle wouldn't be a reminder. It all comes down to what you are willing to put up with... the pain or the chance to get rid of it and take the hormone replacement therapy.

I wish you the best,
Bill
 
For me, there is constant daily pain, but it is not from source such as you. You have great emotion at root of physical pain also. I am most sorry what you suffer. For that person to be called 'man of God' is horror of itself. I will hope there is something that can be done for your pain,and emotions of it.

VN
 
Tom

I agree with some others here, not only is the pain for you terrible, but the incident, the memories and emotional root of the pain is awful as well. I am very sorry you are having to suffer this, and have for so long.

I think for me, because I am a bit of a 'wuss', I would have the surgery, specially if a 'prosthetic' is offered. I greatly dislike pain. I have some chronic of my own, but it is really nothing that hampers my function, mental or physical. This is something that sounds quite excruciating, on a regular basis. You deserve so much better, and so much peace.

I hope whatever decision you make, it is a positive one for you, and leads to the previously mentioned peace.

Leosha
 
Tom, I am sorry you have a constant reminder of things done so long ago, and it should never be you who carries this burden.

I am not so bad now, but there were times when my prostate used to swell up, and it is scary, just like sitting on a golf ball, I suppose more like having a tennis ball between your legs.
Yes it was stress related to past events, but I got over that part of my life by dealing with it my own way.

I dont know how God deals with these beasts, like he is all forgiving, but I read somewhere Bible stuff something like this, "Whomsoever can hurt the little ones' will be caste with an eternal millstone around their neck".

It is of little comfort, that we carry their millstone for just a lifetime. Then again, if we carry this hurt and be good people, then do we get to bear the fruit of our labors and fears?

I am sorry that you have to bear so much hurt and humiliation, but it indeed makes you into a better man, above many other men in this World.

hope you will be OK,

ste
 
I cannot imagine coping with a physical component to the emotional pain. You are brave to have gotten this far.

Do what you need to in order to survive. I like the idea of a prosthesis mentioned by Sophie's dad...but, of course, your decision is yours alone.

As far as the zero sum game of pain inflicted/pain received, I have to hope that all pain and suffering can be eliminated in our world and the next. Especially for you and for all of us.

Be brave, and know that there is a great amount of caring and strength here for you
 
Thanks Guys for all your words. I read a few reply on Thursday and called my doctor to book time for the operation. Why should I live with this pain, you guys set me right. For so many years I've had it all fucked up. My thinkibg was that if I remove the testicle Father Ryan wins. Now I know that I win if if there is no longer pain in my life.

by Cement
Do what you need to in order to survive. I like the idea of a prosthesis mentioned by Sophie's dad...but, of course, your decision is yours alone.
Click to expand...
I don't think that I would go for the prosthesis, I am married and don't have to worry about what people think. I don't go to a health club or anywhere that i would shower in a locker room.

Sophie's dad thanks for doing the research on the testosterone.You info about the patches made it a lot better. I want to travel and do photography and video work so having to find a doctor every two weeks would be a pain. My doc said that insurance doesn't cover anything but shoots in the office so that is why he didn't tell me about them.

My doctor wants me to talk this over with my T so I can double check my feeling. Told the Doc that removing the left testicle was on my mind for the last 2 years and this wasn't quick .

A GOOD CRY

Friday afternoon I broke down in a good cry as I throught about my little right testicle. Ya know that the Doctor said it was healthy and looked normal but it was realy small.
Some of the hardest working people I know are small. I am going to make sure it has a chance to producess for me, I am not going to write it off just because it is small.

Guys thanks for every thing.
I will keep you updated. Tom
 
Tom, hey, size is not so important, peace of mind is.

I hope the op goes OK, they should fund the patches, it is probably a lot cheaper for them in the long run.

In my country you can pay a yearly fee to get all your drugs. I dunno if they have such a scheme there in the USA.

take care,

ste
 
Tom I think that you have been given a lot of good advice. That fucker can never win. As far as I am concerned you are a great guy. Let me tell you something. I would do anything to escape constant pain if I could make it better. Abd by the way that does not include self destruction lest anyone think I would go that way.

There is also no need to hide the fact and deprive yourself of a good health club. It is a your personality that defines you as a man, not what you do or do not have.
 
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