second class survivors? TW
pedropedro
Registrant
Over the past few weeks, I have been suffering shame, anger, fear, and despair. However, I manage to recover by thinking of all the things I have to look forward to, over the next several days and decades - from visiting an old housemate in Eau Claire this weekend, to February 1, 2107 - when I officially become the oldest person in history. Nevertheless, I feel compelled to address an uncomfortable truth that we all as individuals, and as a society, need to acknowledge.
Yes, I and the many other abused men I’ve talked to often wonder if we are still men - but I haven’t heard any being made to think we are less of a man by either men or by women. What I do often experience is receiving messages that we are “second class victims/survivors”. Many have received this message from other men, from women, and I have from nearly all feminists I’ve talked to.
I know I get sucked into this. OCD sucks. PTSD sucks. My life does not suck, but this needs to be said, and not just for my sake.
It’s time for us all as individuals and as a society that we be aware of this sad truth. Males are just as likely to be abused as females are, and several times more likely to be victims than perps.
The vast majority of service groups are abysmal in the further marginalization of many survivors, including, but not limited to, males. There are also many activist groups and individuals, at the local and global level, who are less assets to the community than they are liabilities - including to female victims/survivors. Time for us to call all abusers - as well as those who re-victimize any survivors - accountable.
This is actually what #MeToo creator Tarana Burke has tried to create - but which has been obscured by many who falsely claim to support or follow her. Burke herself, in tweets on August 20, 2018, stated: ‘I’ve said repeatedly that the #metooMVMT is for all of us, including these brave young men who are now coming forward. It will continue to be jarring when we hear the names of some of our faves connected to sexual violence unless we shift from talking about individuals ...and begin to talk about power. Sexual violence is about power and privilege. That doesn’t change if the perpetrator is your favorite actress, activist or professor of any gender.
And we won’t shift the culture unless we get serious about shifting these false narratives. My hope is that as more folks come forward, particularly men, that we prepare ourselves for some hard conversations about power and humanity and privilege and harm. This issue is less about crime & punishment and more about harm and harm reduction. A shift can happen. This movement is making space for possibility. But, it can only happen after we crack open the whole can of worms and get really comfortable with the uncomfortable reality that there is no one way to be a perpetrator. .and there is no model survivor.
We are imperfectly human and we all have to be accountable for our individual behavior.
Yes, I and the many other abused men I’ve talked to often wonder if we are still men - but I haven’t heard any being made to think we are less of a man by either men or by women. What I do often experience is receiving messages that we are “second class victims/survivors”. Many have received this message from other men, from women, and I have from nearly all feminists I’ve talked to.
I know I get sucked into this. OCD sucks. PTSD sucks. My life does not suck, but this needs to be said, and not just for my sake.
It’s time for us all as individuals and as a society that we be aware of this sad truth. Males are just as likely to be abused as females are, and several times more likely to be victims than perps.
The vast majority of service groups are abysmal in the further marginalization of many survivors, including, but not limited to, males. There are also many activist groups and individuals, at the local and global level, who are less assets to the community than they are liabilities - including to female victims/survivors. Time for us to call all abusers - as well as those who re-victimize any survivors - accountable.
This is actually what #MeToo creator Tarana Burke has tried to create - but which has been obscured by many who falsely claim to support or follow her. Burke herself, in tweets on August 20, 2018, stated: ‘I’ve said repeatedly that the #metooMVMT is for all of us, including these brave young men who are now coming forward. It will continue to be jarring when we hear the names of some of our faves connected to sexual violence unless we shift from talking about individuals ...and begin to talk about power. Sexual violence is about power and privilege. That doesn’t change if the perpetrator is your favorite actress, activist or professor of any gender.
And we won’t shift the culture unless we get serious about shifting these false narratives. My hope is that as more folks come forward, particularly men, that we prepare ourselves for some hard conversations about power and humanity and privilege and harm. This issue is less about crime & punishment and more about harm and harm reduction. A shift can happen. This movement is making space for possibility. But, it can only happen after we crack open the whole can of worms and get really comfortable with the uncomfortable reality that there is no one way to be a perpetrator. .and there is no model survivor.
We are imperfectly human and we all have to be accountable for our individual behavior.