Season of Triggers
MrDon
Registrant
The last three days have been days of hell for me with respect to getting triggered by just about everything.
Friday, we had an office gift exchange. For reasons that go back to the days of my fked up dysfunctional family, gift giving isn't something I welcome. The last few times I tried to give gifts out of love, they were rejected in one way or another. For instance, in college I had very few dollars to live on and so in order to buy christmas gifts for my family I saved my spare pennies up. I didn't have more than $5 per person to spend but I tried to find appropiate things for everyone for $5. I've never heard so much complaining of "we got you this and this is all we get in return"... my god, it was the only money I had and I could have used it to buy food on that I needed so badly.
Then there was a time not too many years back where things were not good between myself and my family. So I sent them some money (small amount considering my income level at the time) and told them to treat themselves to something they wanted but maybe couldn't easily find the money for. What I got in return was "is this all you can do for us".
There were many more times but those two times give a pretty good picture of what gift giving meant to me. So for me to have to do this in the office, I really wanted to run out of their the other day. I actually had to work on some breathing and relaxation because I thought I was going to have an anxiety attack. I did make it through it, but was so glad when it was done.
Ok, Saturday Jeff and I went to the Innermotion Christmas performance. It was an excellent time and I would not want to miss it for anything. However it brought up just about every emotion that one can think of and I can't quite name all of the things it did bring up, but they were there.
So last night I started to get a migraine headache and it hurt so badly at one point that it felt like blood was being pumped into my brain while no blood could escape. The pressure and pain was excruciating. Jeff fortunately was around and got an ice pack and some medication that I have for these. With a little time, it started to settle down but this morning was still here. I slept a little, but it was not restful sleep.
Than today, we started to decorate the christmas cookies we had made. That just kept bringing me back to the times as a little boy or even as I was older that my mom and I would bake and decorate christmas cookies. It was always a special time we shared and one that I looked forward to. Since that time, on my own, I have taught myself how to bake and decorate these much like my mom did. However this year knowing that my mom is no longer around, the memories hurt like hell.
Right now, I don't want much else to do with Christmas because I've been triggered enough. I just want the holidays over because as they close, I know I face the anniversary of the dreaded phone call about my mom.
Its just tough right now and I'm having a hard time fully understanding the pain that I feel. At the same time my family thinks I am the crazy one because I have broken the silence. So other than Jeff and some close friends, I have no family... while that may not be a bad thing, it does hurt... because so many in our society during this time of the year can't understand how you don't want to be with your family during these times.
And if this isn't enough, the office Christmas party is coming up. I have no desire to go because I can't make it through another night of Christmas celebration with people. I just don't have the strength. And the CFO made me feel like I was ruining their christmas because I was neglecting the company by not being there for it. They don't know why I'm not going to be there because it is just too painful to talk about. But it really hurt to have to experience this... and so I am sure that others will most likely join in this week about me missing the party.... Please,,, get me to Thursday,, because I've got Friday off and then that miles marker will be in the rear view mirror.
Just having a rough time right now... and really need to know that I'm not alone... because I do feel alone right now.
Don
Friday, we had an office gift exchange. For reasons that go back to the days of my fked up dysfunctional family, gift giving isn't something I welcome. The last few times I tried to give gifts out of love, they were rejected in one way or another. For instance, in college I had very few dollars to live on and so in order to buy christmas gifts for my family I saved my spare pennies up. I didn't have more than $5 per person to spend but I tried to find appropiate things for everyone for $5. I've never heard so much complaining of "we got you this and this is all we get in return"... my god, it was the only money I had and I could have used it to buy food on that I needed so badly.
Then there was a time not too many years back where things were not good between myself and my family. So I sent them some money (small amount considering my income level at the time) and told them to treat themselves to something they wanted but maybe couldn't easily find the money for. What I got in return was "is this all you can do for us".
There were many more times but those two times give a pretty good picture of what gift giving meant to me. So for me to have to do this in the office, I really wanted to run out of their the other day. I actually had to work on some breathing and relaxation because I thought I was going to have an anxiety attack. I did make it through it, but was so glad when it was done.
Ok, Saturday Jeff and I went to the Innermotion Christmas performance. It was an excellent time and I would not want to miss it for anything. However it brought up just about every emotion that one can think of and I can't quite name all of the things it did bring up, but they were there.
So last night I started to get a migraine headache and it hurt so badly at one point that it felt like blood was being pumped into my brain while no blood could escape. The pressure and pain was excruciating. Jeff fortunately was around and got an ice pack and some medication that I have for these. With a little time, it started to settle down but this morning was still here. I slept a little, but it was not restful sleep.
Than today, we started to decorate the christmas cookies we had made. That just kept bringing me back to the times as a little boy or even as I was older that my mom and I would bake and decorate christmas cookies. It was always a special time we shared and one that I looked forward to. Since that time, on my own, I have taught myself how to bake and decorate these much like my mom did. However this year knowing that my mom is no longer around, the memories hurt like hell.
Right now, I don't want much else to do with Christmas because I've been triggered enough. I just want the holidays over because as they close, I know I face the anniversary of the dreaded phone call about my mom.
Its just tough right now and I'm having a hard time fully understanding the pain that I feel. At the same time my family thinks I am the crazy one because I have broken the silence. So other than Jeff and some close friends, I have no family... while that may not be a bad thing, it does hurt... because so many in our society during this time of the year can't understand how you don't want to be with your family during these times.
And if this isn't enough, the office Christmas party is coming up. I have no desire to go because I can't make it through another night of Christmas celebration with people. I just don't have the strength. And the CFO made me feel like I was ruining their christmas because I was neglecting the company by not being there for it. They don't know why I'm not going to be there because it is just too painful to talk about. But it really hurt to have to experience this... and so I am sure that others will most likely join in this week about me missing the party.... Please,,, get me to Thursday,, because I've got Friday off and then that miles marker will be in the rear view mirror.
Just having a rough time right now... and really need to know that I'm not alone... because I do feel alone right now.
Don
