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repressed920

New Registrant
hello everyone i am in my 20s, bit confused in my life, 2-3 years back i found that i am porn,masturbation addicted. so i try to stop it, but not able to control myself , so i just started looking back in my sexual history and what i found:-
1. in infancy, when i was 2-3 years , one of close neighbour(still live near my home) exposes his penis and may i started to play or something like that(or may i forget), later he used me to get sexual stimulation.
2.few days later or may one year later his brother had constantly sex with me for more than many times i really don't remember how many times.
3.his another brother had sex with me , i guess my age was at that time 5 or even less (didn't remember clearly). i saw sperm for the first time.
4.then my cousin had sex with me when i came back to orginal home, this time i moved to different city (my age 7),because of father job.
5.in the new city a boy who is 6-8 years elder than me try to penetrated. only once.

A common thing about all of them when the initially started they tell me we had sex. first i do then you, but mostly when they(first they started) finish my turn never come.

after age of 9-10. all these things get stop and i get to porn and masturbation by mean of a friend, may because i shifted to new city.

As a result of all these things now i am suffering from porn,masturbation addiction not able to stop it. also try judge most people sexual. social awkwardness, not able to fight or through back answer even when it was not my mistake, having difficulty to getting girlfriend, and also character of a nice guy.

Now those who know what to do tell ???
I've already taken one stepping stone , tell all things to my parents.
ANSWER THIS QUESTION IF YOU KNOW
1. How to recover ???
2.how much time it going to take ???
3. how to manage my sexuality and regain masculinity???
4. or anything left le me know
 
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Hello welcome to ms

Recovery looks different for us all a gradual journey I have found

To regain a sense of masculinity I had to first unlearn everything I was taught growing up about masculinity and about myself by my abusers
And then learn what masculinity looks like in the wider world and to different people to find a sense of what it means to me and that I am masculine

My sexuality I still don't understand and I have given up trying and I'm concentrating on what I have , I give myself no labels

At the start of my journey I was a binge drinker who came home extremely drunk , I wasn't faithful I slept with men behind my girlfriend's back , I was free falling into oblivion , I used porn I was addicted to many things one by one I have conquered them.
With porn I looked at how it made me feel and why how actually I was retraumatising myself by watching it

Each journey is individual but it doesn't mean others won't identify

Being here writing to fellow male survivors has helped more than I can word

I'm glad you posted and introduced yourself here

Wishing you peace in your healing journey
HL
 
you just said that unlearned everything you taught growing up by abuser, what that really mean can you please elaborate more or having example or something you extract from my story??
i pray that you inspire on your journey
 
you just said that unlearned everything you taught growing up by abuser, what that really mean can you please elaborate more or having example or something you extract from my story??
i pray that you inspire on your journey

I was taught the bigger you are , the more aggressive and violent you are the more masculine you are
Taught Not to make any noise at all when your in pain.
that having emotions was for girls I was told many times "stop being such a girl " , "stop being pathetic "
My main abuser my cousin was a bare Knuckle fighter bigger than I will ever be even as an adult I was physically no match, mentally I am though infact I think mentally I'm stronger
"I will make you a man" he said and he doesn't even know what a man is

Aggression and violence aren't masculine to everyone having emotions are human not just for girls

In my community men very much are the ones who provide for there family and getting married and having children all starts very young I was 17 when I got married to a girl who was also 17 and in alot of ways it saved me because although her father is a respectable man he is not a violent man , who condemned violence towards children , it was all I had ever seen , he was horrified by the scars my body bore at 17 from my father and my cousin's and my father in law was horrified when over coming years I'd suffer many other beatings from my "family" he'd beg me to tell him which person had done it , it took 10 years longer for me to disclose the truth

And longer to learn where I fit as a man in this world one who hates fighting and who is emotional and sensitive and much prefers laughing to anything else

I had to learn the shame I felt from being raped having my body controlled in the way that it was , wasn't my shame but my cousin's for doing that to another human
Not being able to physically defend myself isn't unmanly it's more unmanly for a man to attack a child

I suffered coersive control by my family for many years they still try to regain control of me now
Because the truth that I tell isn't the truth they want told

Feeling like a man and a good one has been a long journey for me

I hope that helps answer your question

Thanks , I hope ms helps you as much as it has me
Peace
HL
 
I was taught the bigger you are , the more aggressive and violent you are the more masculine you are
Taught Not to make any noise at all when your in pain.
that having emotions was for girls I was told many times "stop being such a girl " , "stop being pathetic "
My main abuser my cousin was a bare Knuckle fighter bigger than I will ever be even as an adult I was physically no match, mentally I am though infact I think mentally I'm stronger
"I will make you a man" he said and he doesn't even know what a man is

Aggression and violence aren't masculine to everyone having emotions are human not just for girls

In my community men very much are the ones who provide for there family and getting married and having children all starts very young I was 17 when I got married to a girl who was also 17 and in alot of ways it saved me because although her father is a respectable man he is not a violent man , who condemned violence towards children , it was all I had ever seen , he was horrified by the scars my body bore at 17 from my father and my cousin's and my father in law was horrified when over coming years I'd suffer many other beatings from my "family" he'd beg me to tell him which person had done it , it took 10 years longer for me to disclose the truth

And longer to learn where I fit as a man in this world one who hates fighting and who is emotional and sensitive and much prefers laughing to anything else

I had to learn the shame I felt from being raped having my body controlled in the way that it was , wasn't my shame but my cousin's for doing that to another human
Not being able to physically defend myself isn't unmanly it's more unmanly for a man to attack a child

I suffered coersive control by my family for many years they still try to regain control of me now
Because the truth that I tell isn't the truth they want told

Feeling like a man and a good one has been a long journey for me

I hope that helps answer your question

Thanks , I hope ms helps you as much as it has me
Peace
HL
thank you very much for sharing experience,
in my community masculinity defined as a man who is strong enough to provide security to himself and his family , so how can i really control the frustration, anger, irritation and all not feeling well feeling, when it comes to sexuality because i am also suffering from erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation.
 
thank you very much for sharing experience,
in my community masculinity defined as a man who is strong enough to provide security to himself and his family , so how can i really control the frustration, anger, irritation and all not feeling well feeling, when it comes to sexuality because i am also suffering from erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation.
I'm sorry that you face these challenges that many many men do your not alone
Sometimes we heap the pressure on ourselves and taking that pressure away can help many different areas of our lives

Understandably we are desperate to heal as quick as possible so giving ourselves time doesn't feel like an option

I found posting here talking to other male survivors and reading here to helped me

I hope you get to where you want to be on your healing journey
HL
 
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