searching for someone to just understand
I'll start off by saying this is the hardest thing I've ever done. Maybe some of you can understand where i'm coming from but what i'm about to tell you are thiings i've never told anyone. in fact, its really hard just thinking about it. I'll be honest with you guys- i'm not really sure why i'm writing this. I guess somewhere in the back of my mind i'm hoping that if there's someone else that has experienced something similar this may help him feel not so alone.
When i was young i always hung around the wrong crowd and was always getting into trouble. I drank alot and used drugs, mainly to prove i was cool i guess. Anyway, my parents finally had enough and sent me to live with an uncle who lived in california. He was strict but it still did not keep me out of trouble. One night some guys i was with decided to break into this house. We were broke and needed some money to buy drugs. To make this short we were caught later because the cops already had their eye on one of the guys that was with us. I don't want to get into the legal mumbo jumbo but i was convicted and ended up serving a longer sentence than i probably should have. I was in prison for just over two years. This is where my life turned completely into hell. Some of you may not believe in hell, but hell is a real place and its in prison. People on the outside don't have a friggin clue what goes on in prison. We shared barracks and you always had to keep your guard up. The bad thing for me was i'm not a big guy and can't fight a lick. I went into prison not knowing anything and that made me easy prey. I'm not racist or prejudice in any way but i learned alot about race relations in prison. You see, in prison, if you're young and white you're an easy target. I was 19 when i went in. There was a black gang and a hispanic gang that wanted to get me from the first day. I never knew until it was too late. The second night i was there is when it started. I was laying on my bunk when a group of black guys surrounded my bunk. It was real late at night and i was terrified. One of them told me to sit up and that i was going to blow all of them. He told me i had a choice, i could give them my mouth willingly or they would take my ass.
At that moment i swear it felt like i was having a out of body experience. It almost felt like it wasn't really happening to me but it was. I didn't have time to think, i just did what they told me. I was so scared they were going to rape me i just did whatever they told me. This went on for several hours. I didn't even count them. It was later on i found out there were 9 of them. I remember laying in bed in cold sweats for several days and throwing up alot. This gang had claimed me as their property. Eventually i was raped. In those two years i was both oraly and analy raped by many guys. I was bought and sold many times and rented out. I felt and still feel like i'm nothing. Just a disposeable piece of trash.
When i got out of prison i was a completely different person than when i went in. I think people around me sensed something had happened but were afraid to ask. I didn't want to talk about it at all even though it was on my mind constantly. Its like this video that keeps playing in my head and i can't make it stop. When i got out i tried to start my life over. I worked odd jobs here and there. Sometimes though i have a hard time doing even the simplist things. I have a very hard time consentrating on anything. After about a year being out of prison my nightmare came alive again. I was in a store one weekend and this guy grabs me from behind. It was a gang member from prison. I felt life just drain out of me right there. He told me to take him to my place. I was living in this cheap appartment. I was so scared i just did what he told me to. I know that doesn't make sense to all of you. It doesn't to me either and i hate myself for not being stronger. When we got out of the store there was another gang member i remembered from prison waiting on him. They made me take them to my place. For two days they had their way with me just like in prison. Finally they sent me on an errand to do something but i never went back. I came all the way back home in La. That happened almost 6 years ago and i still have nightmares.
I've attempted suicide twice and i'm on medication now. All there is in my life now is alot of pain. Pain is a word i'm very familiar with. When i read the stories here i can understand the pain that each of you is going through. Our sstories may be different but we all have some things in common. I especially like it when i read and you guys call yourselves brothers. We are brothers. You guys will never know how much it means to me that you're here. For the first time i feel that maybe there's a ray of hope for me.
When i was young i always hung around the wrong crowd and was always getting into trouble. I drank alot and used drugs, mainly to prove i was cool i guess. Anyway, my parents finally had enough and sent me to live with an uncle who lived in california. He was strict but it still did not keep me out of trouble. One night some guys i was with decided to break into this house. We were broke and needed some money to buy drugs. To make this short we were caught later because the cops already had their eye on one of the guys that was with us. I don't want to get into the legal mumbo jumbo but i was convicted and ended up serving a longer sentence than i probably should have. I was in prison for just over two years. This is where my life turned completely into hell. Some of you may not believe in hell, but hell is a real place and its in prison. People on the outside don't have a friggin clue what goes on in prison. We shared barracks and you always had to keep your guard up. The bad thing for me was i'm not a big guy and can't fight a lick. I went into prison not knowing anything and that made me easy prey. I'm not racist or prejudice in any way but i learned alot about race relations in prison. You see, in prison, if you're young and white you're an easy target. I was 19 when i went in. There was a black gang and a hispanic gang that wanted to get me from the first day. I never knew until it was too late. The second night i was there is when it started. I was laying on my bunk when a group of black guys surrounded my bunk. It was real late at night and i was terrified. One of them told me to sit up and that i was going to blow all of them. He told me i had a choice, i could give them my mouth willingly or they would take my ass.
At that moment i swear it felt like i was having a out of body experience. It almost felt like it wasn't really happening to me but it was. I didn't have time to think, i just did what they told me. I was so scared they were going to rape me i just did whatever they told me. This went on for several hours. I didn't even count them. It was later on i found out there were 9 of them. I remember laying in bed in cold sweats for several days and throwing up alot. This gang had claimed me as their property. Eventually i was raped. In those two years i was both oraly and analy raped by many guys. I was bought and sold many times and rented out. I felt and still feel like i'm nothing. Just a disposeable piece of trash.
When i got out of prison i was a completely different person than when i went in. I think people around me sensed something had happened but were afraid to ask. I didn't want to talk about it at all even though it was on my mind constantly. Its like this video that keeps playing in my head and i can't make it stop. When i got out i tried to start my life over. I worked odd jobs here and there. Sometimes though i have a hard time doing even the simplist things. I have a very hard time consentrating on anything. After about a year being out of prison my nightmare came alive again. I was in a store one weekend and this guy grabs me from behind. It was a gang member from prison. I felt life just drain out of me right there. He told me to take him to my place. I was living in this cheap appartment. I was so scared i just did what he told me to. I know that doesn't make sense to all of you. It doesn't to me either and i hate myself for not being stronger. When we got out of the store there was another gang member i remembered from prison waiting on him. They made me take them to my place. For two days they had their way with me just like in prison. Finally they sent me on an errand to do something but i never went back. I came all the way back home in La. That happened almost 6 years ago and i still have nightmares.
I've attempted suicide twice and i'm on medication now. All there is in my life now is alot of pain. Pain is a word i'm very familiar with. When i read the stories here i can understand the pain that each of you is going through. Our sstories may be different but we all have some things in common. I especially like it when i read and you guys call yourselves brothers. We are brothers. You guys will never know how much it means to me that you're here. For the first time i feel that maybe there's a ray of hope for me.
