Searching for Help

Searching for Help
H

hollywu

New Registrant
Hello, I am new t this site. I stumbled acrossed it a couple of days ago and have spent a few days reading through the posts and replies. I feel I might have come to the right place at last. I maried a man 15 months ago who was SA by his brother as a young child. He told me about this before we married but never in my wildest dreams did I understand what that truly meant. I am a mother with 5 sons that I brought to the marriage. My husband is a loving person who accepts and nutures the children, has a lot of pride being involved in their lives. I felt like I "hit the jack pot" as our relationship grew, he loves me AND my children, how lucky is that? But...and it's a big but...he is struggling with his past and it's like living with Jeckyl and Hyde. He is an alcoholic and goes into terrible rages, has horrible nightmares, becomes verbaly abusive and recently attempted suicide. He was in rehab for a couple of weeks, tried some therapy, and gave it up. We live on an emotional roller coaster. I want to help and support him but don't know where to begin to get the help he needs. On the other hand the personallity changes are destroying our love and life. I feel I need to protect myself and my kids (they are 16,18,20,22,24) so at least they are not babies and can understand some of this (they know the truth), but they, like me are scared and confused.
I would suggest he visit this site but he is legally blind and computers are difficult and frustrating for him. My husband is a brilliant man, talented, funny, charismatic. People speak so well of him, he is a source of great pride to all of us, but to hear him tell it is is a worthless scumbag. I know he must find a way to love himself but how? His abuser was his brother who later killed himslf, a tortured soul. My husband, an Irish catholic is just ridden with guilt. Where do I begin ? How do I help and still protect myself and family ? I don't want to lose this, friend , lover, soul-mate. He's the best and worst thing that's ever happened to me. Mostly I want him to
have the peace and self love that he deserves. Thanks for reading my post. It feels good to have a forum for my thoughts and feelings. I feel like I am carring around a big secret that I cannot reveal to anyone, lest I betray his trust. Such a
sad and hard way to live.
 
Well - here comes something none of us Partners ever want to hear....

If your Loved One is abusive, especially if he is physically violent to persons or property, you MUST find a way to separate yourself from him until he takes the decision FOR HIMSELF that his behavior is too costly to continue.

HE is the only one who can do this and HE is the only one who can commit himself to it.

For yourself - I am not sure how you feel about AA & other 12 Step Programs - they are not for everyone. However - some of the best support for families can come from Al-Anon. The program teaches that Tough Love is sometimes the ONLY solution.

Meanwhile - I have to say that compassion has its limits. As Partners we can try to understand our Loved Ones and we can do our best to provide support & comfort. But if our Loved Ones are not ready to take the first step toward SELF-love & compassion, how can they be in a position to offer US something they have no experience of themselves?

I have recently re-read a book by Paul Hansen which points out repeatedly that Survivors often find themselves MORE symptomatic as they find themselves in the first truly loving, stable relationships of their lives. It's a paradox - a Survivor needs to feel completely "safe" before he feels "safe enough" to fall apart....

It is a terrible issue for those of us who love them - yet - just as we want to preach "Self-Love" at our Loved Ones, we have to be able to own the Self-Love for ourselves just as much. When OUR boundaries are crossed, when WE start to feel unsafe - we have just as much right to protest AND to LEAVE if need be.
 
Welcome to MS hollywu,

Much of your post sounds so familiar to me-- I know how hard it is to carry this around and not have anyone to share it with.

I feel this way too--
Mostly I want him to have the peace and self love that he deserves.
Click to expand...
and for me, that meant taking a big step back from my partner's healing-- it also meant making a decision that if there came a time when he had to choose between our relationship or his own happiness, I would be the first one telling him to go. To me that's what it means to be his friend and support.

Once I thought about things that way, it made it easier for me to insist on healthy boundaries in my relationship with him. Partly for selfish reasons-- because I had confidence in him that he'd one day choose healing and health, and I wanted our relationship to be a part of that choice, therefore I had to do whatever I could to be in and ready for a healthy relationship-- but partly because of what kolisha says-- thinking about being a supportive friend to him made me think about treating myself the same way.

Ultimately the best thing you can do to help him is let him make his decisions-- but not yours. Give him space to make mistakes and bad choices, and let him know that even the very worthy among us do so, without losing their friends-- but that doesn't mean enabling or tolerating those choices when they become abuse.

Keep reading and posting here, please-- it makes it so much easier when you can get it out of your system some way.

SAR
 
Welcome Hollywu,

I have been lax in not responding sooner. I really couldnt get more than the "normal" repetative words to come to mind. And I feel that you deserved much more than that from me.

Where do I begin ? How do I help and still protect myself and family ? I don't want to lose this, friend , lover, soul-mate. He's the best and worst thing that's ever happened to me.
Click to expand...
I dont want this to come across as harsh and cruel, but you did say in the postings that he is an alcoholic, and that he is alcoholic.

Of that alone, what truth is there that he is his "true self" to be your friend, lover and sould mate?

Where to begin? My only suggestion is get yourself to a therapist for yourself. You MUST keep yourself safe first and foremost. It is an obligation that you owe yourself and your sons. Without the support of those who have experience in dealing professionally with those with addictions, the path to healing very well may never happen. As long as he is actively "numbing out", and becoming violent with his behaviors, no healing can "begin".

A risk of being with a partner who has not only an addiction to deal with, but the past monsters of having to heal from SA and the trauma that his abuser committed suicide -- I geuss the only thing I can say to this is that even without those negativities in their "we" partners have NO garruntees that we will be with our partners when their healing begins & has come far enough for them to function in life with or without us, but function out of pure choice.

The risks that you have now , you are aware of. You have been living with them a long time, or at least a fairly significant fair amount of time.

His recent attempt at suicide is definetly a bigger hollar for help. My own spouse was "forcibly sent" to the hospital mental health by his bosses, when he had his most significant melt down. My own spouse was told "either you go on your own, or we send you and you have no job".

He could visit this site WITH you. If he is willing. My own spouse has much difficulty with reading and so I read aloud to him the postings and one of our benefits that we did not know that would come from that is that it has helped us with our communications between the 2 of us.

I can only repeat the "mantra" here -- YOU cannot heal him. HE must heal for himself. Of course you can support him, but you cannot do it FOR him.

You do have the options should be needed to have him committed to the hospital if you think he is going to harm himself.

BUT you MUST take care of yourself, and HOW you take care of yourself will directly effect your sons. How and what kind of partners they will choose in life, and how they feel about themselves. Your job as a mother will never stop -- you will forever be the leader ROLE for them.

Please seek help for yourself, either thru your private insur. or your local Social Services., AA is free and located in your phone book for further referrals for help. This site also has help referrals available on it.

This road to healing is a long difficult one filled with much emotions, and lows and highs. BUT it can and does get better --
May Peace Come to ALL of you, Sammy
 
Hollywu
I hate to have to agree with what the other posters have said, but the fact is you can't drag him into, or through, his healing. He has make that decision to start himself, then do the work.

If it sounds bleak, then maybe it is when you look at cold hard facts, but love seems to make a big difference in what we put with for someone we love.
Although that should NEVER excuse abuse towards someone else, whether physical or emotional.

My wife supports me tirelessly, but she never makes demands about my healing, that's my problem.
She does set boundaries, and she discusses the boundaries I set for myself with me, and has learned to encourage me in setting higher boundaries.
She's never passed judgement about what happened to me, other than righteous indignation that it happened, but my role in my abuse has always been my issue.

That sounds like I do what I want, which I don't, she does have input into my healing, but never control.
I respect that, and made the decision that the best way to respect her position is to do the best I can.

One very important thing that all partners of survivors MUST do is "look after the most important person in your life - you!"
Don't let yourself get dragged down into his problems, stand aside and support by all means, but don't end up as a part of his issues.
Take time for yourself, get therapy if you feel it would help.
If you sink under the weight of all the crap that healing throws around, then you'll be no good to yourself, your kids or him.

But looking on the positive side, there is life after abuse, we can rcover.
Take care
Dave
 
Thanks to everyone who responded to my post. I have to admit that it was not exactly what I wanted to hear, but the truth no the less and what I've kind of known all along. My husband had another eposoide
last night. He even called the police to take him to the hospital, then decided it wasn't the answer and walked away. We spent a coupler of hours talking and he's outlook seemed to improve. He told me I was the only one who allows him to vent his anger and reage at what was done to him. It's emotionally exhausting. He needs therapy, but everyone we have tried seems ill equiped at dealing with these issues. Any suggestions on how to find the RIGHT therapy ? What really works ?
Self help seems like the only avenue for us right now, but I don't think I am qualified :) Your support means more than you know. Thanks
 
Hollywu
Types of therapy vary enourmously, and not all models suit that particular person either.
So many survivors do end up trying different models if the don't find the right place first time.

Finding that place can be difficult, but call doctors, mental health practicioners, rape crisis centres and hunt around for local survivors groups, male or female it doesn't matter, someone will recomend a therapist that has experience with CSA survivors - and I feel that it's essential they have experience and training with the particular problems we have.

At the top of the page are a list of links, if you haven't already found them, amongst the wealth of information is an article about helping to choose a therapist, and some information on therapists and their locations.

If he called the police to take him to hospital then he's surely feeling that 'something' needs to be done?
It's a huge decision to make, so don't be surprised if he doesn't make it overnight.

But he can always come here, we can provide a lot of help and support, after all, we're the experts - unfortunately.

Dave
 
Thanks to all who sent me your insight and support. Things seem to be going from bad to worse for us. Our little beloved beagle was hit by a car and killed last week, June 28th to be exact, my oldest sons birthday. My hisband rescued that little dog 8 years ago after his mother died and she rescued him as well at a time when he was in great despair. Her loss was like losing a child, we loved her so. This event sent my husband even further into the blackness that decends on him. Without all the gory details, I had to move myself and my children out of our home. We are staying at a friends house while she is away but are now homeless and I am frantic as to what to do next. Never in my dreams did I see how devistating the effects of sa can be. I could really use some words of encouragement right now.+
I left some phone numbers for my husband to call for help and it seems that he is taking some steps. He feels badly aabout our leaving and wants me to hang in there while he tries to "fix" things but I am feeling pretty hopeless at times and have a serious internal struggle going on, fight or flee ?? I just don't know. I feel like I am walking through molasses and the future looks dreary. With all we've been through, I still have a great deal of love and compassion for him. It sounds crazy even to me. Thanks for listening. I am glad I have you to talk to.
 
hollywu
It's sad that your marriage has come to this situation, but I would guess that it's not that unusual.

It was the crisis of my marriage that was one of the main reasons I started to accept that I had to do 'something' - I hadn't got a clue what that 'something' was, but I decided to find out.

Luckily for me reaching rock bottom didn't involve my wife and I seperating, but it was very close.

I think we have to at least take a long hard look at our 'rock bottom' before we can stir ourselves into action. And knowing that someone we love is prepared to help and support us will always tell us that there is an alternative to 'rock bottom'

But that's your choice, and you must take that choice with your welfare first and foremost.

Dave
 
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