Scrambled Head

[Bobby]

Thank God I have this place. Things that come to my mind that I used to push down because I didn't want to think about them, or couldn't think about them, I just come here and write about and hope that you all can look in from the outside and help me see what's on the inside. (I think I can claim the record for longest sentence of the week.)

This one's a goodie. I have NOT thought about this so often it hurts. I have thought about it, too, but that's just way too confusing.

As those of you who have read my postings know, I am strugling with homosexuality, althought I hate to say it that way. It implies that homosexuality is a bad thing, and I only think that because of when and where I grew up. Homosexuality is a thing, just like heterosexuality is a thing. Why don't the amendment people understand that? But that is a whole other posting. I am strugling with homosexuality for two main reasons: 1. I don't want to be homosexual if I'm not homosexual and 2. I would prefer to be heterosexual so that my wife and children don't have to deal with my being a homosexual, although I've already come out of the closet.

That said, I need to be loved by a man. It is so confusing I don't know what to do with it.

First of all, "who" needs to be loved by a man? Is it my adult me or my child me? Someone needs to be held and loved and to love in return. Someone has an empty spot that I can almost point to and say, "I need this place filled with love right here and it has to be male love that fills it." Is it my inner child (who, by the way is not so inner. Sometimes I think I have a screaming child and an inner adult.) who needs the love and the holding for healing? Does my adult heterosexual male need that same love and holding for healing and it has nothing to do with homosexuality? Am I gay and need that love and holding for healing, but need it to go beyond basic healing into a love relationship? Am I simply a victim of a culture that has labeled the touching and comfort giving from male to male to be taboo? If that were not the case, would I just let a friend hold me and heal me and be done with it?

I didn't post this in sexuality, because I'm not sure that it is a sexuality issue, although I think sexuality is a big part of it....maybe it is a sexuality issue. But I would appreciate some opinions.

I would like to tell you a story that is important to my history that may help. I met a guy, much younger, in a chat room and was attracted to him because his writing was incredible. We made friends and began writing. We even met once as he passed through town, but could only talk for an hour over a short dinner.

Well, I fell head over heels in love with him. My writing to him after that was about that love. You know me well enough by now to know I ain't subtle. When I would see him in my mind I would get this amazing feeling all over and have to express that love. Romeo and Juliet were mere acquaintances compared to what I felt. Of course, he did not reciprocate at all my feelings. The amazing thing about this man, however, is that he never rejected me. He never led me on. He knew what was going on from my perspective and I knew what was going on from his and he never said, "Don't do it." In fact he gave me permission to love him, which at that time, in my mental condition was extremely important. The feelings I had had to come out.
He understood. He had also been SA as a child.
As I kept writing, and he kept writing me back, sensing my delicate mental condition, I began to see that it was not me who was writing to him, but my inner child. It was my first contact really with my child. My child had made of him a surrogate father...one who didn't molest, but who loved and nurtured unconditionally. And I felt through the child, emotions that I had never been allowed to feel when I was 3-4-5. The love I felt was incredible.
I worshipped the guy...but not the guy. I worshipped the symbol he had become, and I poured out in emails written in the middle of the night, all of the love and pain that had been harbored inside for 50 years.
His replies were always positive and encouraging and always helped me to see how I was healing through this process. I will forever be grateful to him (We are still internet friends...I wouldn't let him get away, even though we have very little in common now. I just can't bear to let someone who has been such a big part of my healing process fade into the sunset.) and always really have those feelings towards him, even though we may never meet again.

And that also confuses me. I felt such love for him and thought it was full-fledged adult love...and am still not sure. Was it adult love, and I couldn't handle potential rejection and so turned it into something I actually could handle?

Am I confued? Am I just afraid to admit that I'm homosexual and get on with it? Am I really heterosexual and want to be homosexual so I will have the "right" to hold and be held by a man? Am I still a little boy who needs his Daddy?....well a good and loving daddy this time.

Any help will be appreciated. Please dial 1-800-all-fucked-up. Thanks, guys. Bobby

 

[Lloydy]

Bobby
this is something that I felt for many years, and is something I have written about masny times here. ( forgive me for not going into a long post tonight, but it's late here in the UK )

The confusion is understandable for many reasons, the main one being we're trying to re-enact the abuse on OUR terms, and thereby make some sense of it.
I tried that, trust me, it doesn't work.

First of all, "who" needs to be loved by a man?

We ALL strive to be loved, it's a basic human need. And it doesn't matter if it's the same or the opposite sex; we want to be loved.
And there's nothing wrong with loving, or being loved, by another man.
When I disclosed to my best friend, of over 30 years, that I had acted out sexually with strange men in public toilets, he hugged me ( for the first time ever ) and told me how much he respected and loved me. That was a remarkable experience, and he is a remarkable man.
But the love we feel for each other is a 'brotherly' love. We shower together at work, but I can't think of him in a sexual way at all, not even if I tried.

Don't be afraid of the love of another man, and don't be afraid of acknowledging it if you feel it. But don't confuse it with sexual acts with another man, that's a different thing altogether unless you are genuinly gay.

Dave

 

[Bill_1965]

Bobby,

First of all, "who" needs to be loved by a man?

When I skimmed through this, I read it in a different context than the lines that surrounded it.
Your context: As Dave said, we all want to be loved. It doesnt matter if it a woman or a man or somewhere in between. Even the love of a pet. We want to be loved. But it all comes down to loving ourselves. A big part of that is accepting who we are.

My context: I went back to the confusion of love with acceptance. Who needs to be accepted by a man? Acceptance is something that we all would like to have, but do we really need it from others. If Joe Smoe doesnt accept us, does it really matter? Not really, its Joe Smoes loss. It's not someone else's acceptance we need. We need to accept ourselves.

I worshipped the guy...but not the guy. I worshipped the symbol he had become, and I poured out in emails written in the middle of the night, all of the love and pain that had been harbored inside for 50 years.

I think it is common to be in love with the idea of being in love. So much so that when the opportunity to love comes along we jump at it without any regards to if we love that person. Just so it fulfills the idea of being in love. A hard thing to sort through, it takes both time and a great deal of honesty to find the real answer. If its not love, it still can be a great friendship.

Am I confued? Am I just afraid to admit that I'm homosexual and get on with it? Am I really heterosexual and want to be homosexual so I will have the "right" to hold and be held by a man? Am I still a little boy who needs his Daddy?....well a good and loving daddy this time.

A soul searching may come up with the answer. Lots of fodder for therapy there. Many people never find their true needs/wants/desires and never really give it a try. Thats one thing we have over them, we are looking inside.

Any help will be appreciated. Please dial 1-800-all-fucked-up.

How did you get my phone number?

 

[Bobby]

I think that there might be some misunderstanding of what I meant by "'who' needs to be loved by a man?" What I meant to convey was which one of my many selves is the one seeking to be loved by a man. It must not be coming across the way I meant it. Thanks to those of you who have written already. It helps to see these things through different eyes. Bobby

 

[Rustam]

Bobby,

I identify as gay for convenience, but its not as simple as that as I had two relationships with women after coming out. I hid nothing from them. Both were survivors and I did fall in love with them sexually and emotionally. These relationships came as a surprise to me. So I am not all gay nor am I straight. Ive been with a man for 8 years now. Maybe Im still confused, frankly at this point in my life I dont care who I love. Its learning to love well that concerns me.

The question that comes to mind with your post is, why do we always look for some kind of pathology in same sex love. If you fell in love with a woman would you be asking do I just want a good mum who can protect me from a bad dad. Is this my child-self looking for neurotic needs to be filled? I think that no matter what the sex of someone we love our child needs are there in the love. People in love treat each other like children, saying darling, baby, sweetie etc.

I am beginning to get the idea of self-nurture that we as men can look after the little boy and meet his needs, become the hoped for saviour you wrote about in another post.

Rustam