Scared to become a father

Scared to become a father
G

Grunty1967b

Registrant
**Possible Triggers**

Please also read my WHOLE first/next paragraph before reacting. You may misunderstand what I am saying otherwise. Let me preface it by saying I have no thoughts or desires to ever abuse anybody else you may just jump to that conclusion if you stop reading mid sentence.

Im married, but not a father (yet). I dont know why but I feel so scared that if I was to become a father that I might abuse my child. Im not saying I have those thoughts, desires or intensions (so PLEASE DONT STONE ME), Im saying that that is a fear. I dont know where it comes from and cant say that Ive ever been in a place where Ive felt I would perpetrate. I even feel like some sicko for saying this, but I read in an article that many guys who have been abused themselves have these fears.

My wife and I have always felt that we didnt want to have children even before we got married. We still some years left before it would be too late, but at this stage we still dont feel to have kids. My concern though is that if she ever changed her mind or I did what how would I cope? And how do I deal with these fears?

I read here in a post recently and a young guy whos just become a father. Im thrilled that hes thrilled about that but at the same time it got me thinking and freaking myself out.
 
I know that fear and this is not the first time I have answered a post about it so you are not alone. I have/had a similar fear, it was so strong that I feared I was in denial about being a potential offender. Ive talked about it very openly in therapy in fear of what I would discover and I see now that it is totally irrational but when it pops up again I get a feeling of dread. I never wanted to have children, felt like I would be sentencing someone to life and I accepted the idea that we learn parenting from our parents, I didnt want to pass on any of that poison. I look after my friends child quite often and realise now that I would be an okay parent if that were what I wanted.

Well done on having the courage to write about it, its a pretty horrible fear and the more open you can be about it and talk about it, the less it will affect you and your choice about whether to be a parent or not.

Peter
 
Hello Grunty,
there could be many sources and reasons for your irrational fear.
Maybe child's helplessness is triggering you so you are projecting all your fears from abuse again and again when you are thinking about becoming a father.

At the same time you are clearly telling that you never had any desire to abuse anyone.

I think that you have to concentrate on your fear. It could be that your real desires are completely blocked by it?
It is not uncommon that abused people had chosen to give up raising kids.

I think that parenthood (I am not sure for this word - sorry) is one the greatest experiences in life that is deserving to fight for.

Ivo
 
Grunty,

I have same fears. Not that I would indulge in any perverse desires, because I can not imagine myself ever having such things. But, a generalized fear that all of me has been tainted so much that I could not properly function as a parent. How can I, I most of the time can barely function as a human being?

I think there is a fear for me that I would not be able to properly guide and discipline a child, because of my background with my parents. I think I would be far to extreme in the other direction, giving no boundaries or discipline, and that can be as unhealthy for a child as abuse.

I do agree with Ivo though. I think the possibility to be a parent is something worth fighting through the emotions and stigma for.

Leosha
 
I understand that you speak, you are afraid, and I do not think, that you in all bad to think as it.

I was the father. When all over again I hear, that I shall be the father, I think all emotion, it has been taken from me, and to leave only fear. I was very young, and felt, that I shall be the poor father anyhow, because of it. But also and, I was afraid of it because I tried very much to think that I have learned, that good things I have learned from the parents in my life. With the distress I have understood, I have not learned anything good in my family about parenting. I wished to escape from this, the responsibility of paternity, knowing, that I shall be failure, and my child would suffer. I do not know, whether I thought ever definitely, that probably I would beat or would harm to my child. My fear, it was only total.

I do not know that happens which erase those fears. But I really know, when I all over again held my daughter, I knew love for the first time. I knew a life for the first time. All good in the universe which I felt, was witheld from me and did not mean to be shared with me, it was mine during that moment. I know, that fears, they have disappeared after that because reality of a situation, love and, to be the parent, it has accepted. Yes, I have made mistakes, things, that I think the majority of new and young parents, they will mix. But not that - are important about her health, her safety, or her happiness. And I believe, that I never would have, in those questions.

I think, that the same is true about any good man. Fears when it is given a confrontation with the validity, they are sent. It - only my opinion, I should not speak it to be the full truth. But it - that I feel.

VN
 
Grunty,

I think it is entirely normal for a survivor to have all kinds of fears of becoming like his abuser. We all know that the vast majority of survivors don't, but fears can be very irrational.

I am a father of two, but perhaps my case will not help you since I was deeply into denial (or something very much like it) for decades. I can look back and say, however, that I do see ways my abuse history affected me. I was quite protective of my son. Even when he was a teenager I still hovered close by when he went into a changing room or, say, a toilet in a restaurant. Every teenager mood he pulled triggered me and made me wonder if there was something terrible happening to him. Eventually that resolved itself as he got older (he's now 21), and when the subject came up he said he did notice and felt special and protected. He didn't feel I had been excessive or over the top about it.

Looking at your case, I think it would be natural for a couple that has decided against having children to wonder, as the years pass, whether this has been the decision they really want and whether they will regret it once it is too late. That could then trigger all sorts of anxieties in a male survivor about whether he would make a good parent anyway. The next step would be to wonder about whether he would have become like his abuser.

My own take on this is that any survivor who is a good man would react as you have, worrying about these feelings and seeking to deal with them.

Take care,
Larry
 
Hi Grunty,

I believe I am the person you mention in your post. I just became a father and it was after I learned that I was going to be a father that I realized that I had been abused. I understand completely your fears and relate to them because I thought the same thing. When I realized I had been abused my second reaction was to ask myself if I would repeat the cycle.

We all read and hear about repetitive cycles of abuse in families and I was terrified that I would do this. I was scared because of the idea. I talked about this with my wife and T and we all came to the same conclusion. The fact that I am aware that this behaviour is negative and hurtful prevents me from repeating it. I have been very careful to be completely honest with myself and my family.

I think this attitude about being open is the best way to confront these fears . It helped me to realize that I will never hurt my son like I was hurt. I know I will make mistakes raising him (like everyone else) but I will never let him be hurt.

Now that he is here and I look at him I sometimes start to cry and at least once a day I promise him that he will be protected and loved in a positive way.

The joy of having him in my life is unexplainable but it is the best thing that ever happened to me.

I understand your fears because as I said I had them too. But I now they are not real.

If you have any questions feel free to pm me.

Jonathan
 
Grunty,

I raised two sons, and NEVER once even thought of abusing them in any way. I don't believe that because we were abused, that predestines us us to become abusers.

I think VN's and Jonathan's posts say it all. Once the little guys are born, they have you wrapped! My oldest was almost 22 when he died and he still had me wrapped up until that last day. My youngest is 18 now and he KNOWS he has old Dad wrapped.

If tyou and your wife decide not to have kids, that is your choice, but I would urge you to not deny yourselves the opportunity producing children soley on the fears that you may abuse them. I'm telling you, not once has it ever entered my mind to abuse mine or anyone else's children.

My greatest fear has always been to be falsely accused of abuse, and then because of my abuse, I am judged guilty. I think some part of society still believes this. Perhaps Ken Singer has the actual statistics of this occuring, that he can share with us.
 
This issue really has me thinking as I was abused at not even a month old after birth by biological father then given up and then abused sexually and physically and emotionally so this issue really hits home a little more then I would care to admit.

There is not one day that goes by that I don't think on this issue and wonder in the back of my mind what kind of father will I be,My wife and I have been trying to have kids since we got married in 2001 and just this year were told she was pregnant this was after being referred to a reproductive specialist and then naturally my wife got pregnant which was a complete surprise as I was told that I was a contributing factor as to us not getting pregnant.

Many other thoughts go through ones mind when the words your going to be a father comes into play especially more for us survivors of sexual and physical,mental abuse.I have found myself lately thinking and going back to childhood photos and wondering if there is anything standing in the way of me doing my duty as a father,I believe there are still issues unresolved that I never touched and I know I need to face these before my child is born next march.Lately I find many things from the past are rearing their heads at me and I find myself fighting a battle in order to give myself a better chance at being a father and for my child to have a better father so my child does not have to endure the legacy I have lived my child will have it's own legacy.
 
I can understand your fears. 34 years ago when we had our first child I felt the very same way. It was hard to bond with my sons but I did get over it and my Sons are my biggest Joy of my Life. I watched over them very Close and I think looking back now was over protective of them. But You will do ok. we have to stop being the one that is in jail. you will make a great Father All it Takes is Love.
God Bless Gary
 
I am not a natural father, but I am a 3 times godfather.

I have carried out baby sitting duties many times for my niece and godchildren. Never once have I thought of abusing any of them (and I never would). If anything I am over protective of them all. Anybody seeking to harm them would certainly have a fight on their hands when I am around. I let them know the realities of the world (age appropriate) to keep them from harm, without frightening them

One of my best friends and his wife have 3 children (2 of them my godchildren). If anything happens to my friend and his wife, I am their guardian - he has 2 sisters, she has 6/7 brothers (lost count). I think it says it all when I am at the head of the queue to look after their children should unfortunate circumstances arise.

My cousins daughter (one of my god daughters) fell out with her mother & guess who she said she was going to move in with because she would be better thought of.

Grunty - it sounds very much like you know the harm that abuse does - I think that your fears may be more a case of what if my child suffers as I did. I don't think you see yourself as the abuser, more that you worry that some perv will appear on the scene and commit abuse. You sound very much like a 'protector' to me. Someone that would do everything to ensure that his child would not be abused. Just remember if you do have a child, to let it enjoy life - extreme protection is the closest I think you'll get to abusing a child.

Best wishes ..Rik
 
Hey Grunty,
I hear your concern. I think part of the problem is that we are fed lies about abused kids going on to abuse. I know I have heard people in authority (teachers, police, media persons) make blanket statemnets like "all kids who are abused become abusers" or that in order to abuse you have to have been abused. these things are not true.

I must admit that I did have to talk to my partner about our childrens safety. I brought it up because we had kids before i disclosed to her, and I felt obligated to let her know that our kids were safe. I think as a survivor I am more aware of my kids activities. I know part of my SA was do to a lack of supervision on my parents part. This in turn makes me maybe a little to over protective. I like to think that it has actualy made me a better Dad to have been through these things. It makes me even more vigilant against it. If you have no desire to do harm now having kids will only make you more resolved to keep them safe.

-Aardvark
 
Becoming a parent is a great fear of mine, i just dont trust i could do a good enough job of it!

And yes i have struggled with the same irrational fear, i guess it stems from often hearing that perps where once abused themselves (which is not allways true), and so i developed a fear that maybe i too would do that.

I know in my heart and soul that i never would, but as said, fear is irrational, i seldomly have that fear anymore, but occationally it rears its ugly head still, but with soul-searching it gets better in my experiance, knowing yourself and beeing true to your emotions is key i think.

My greatest fear now is one of capability, i am diagnosed with Schizotypical Personality disorder and still trying to learn how to cope with this relatively new problem (first symptoms started at about 18, and steadily got worse, now im 24 but it appears stable..), that coupled with my tendancy to depression and my CSA history and all the ills that come with that, i often find myself barely able to care for myself, and i fear greatly for having to care for a child, not to mention passing on my illness as it is genetic and hereditary.

Fatherhood is one of the things that can keep me up at night.. how would i cope!?
 
An important thread because this is part of the "heritage" with which we were left. Among the many fears, social anxieties and ways in which we put ourselves down, this has got to be a number one for a lot of us.
The statistics that Ive seen regarding this subject is that out of those of us who have been abused, as many as 15 % of us could go on to abuse. Among those who abuse, the figure given is that 85 % have been abused, although, my T says that hes never met an abuser who had not been abused as a child. He has treated abusers and victims of abuse for over 20 years.
While these figures could frighten us even more than our normal fear of becoming like the people who abused us---my sexually abusive 8th grade teacher continually told me that I was just like himthe fact that we are getting therapy and working through that fear, the chances that we will offend are next to nil. Talking out how we feel about what happened to us, and the fear of perpetrating onto others what was done to us, is an important part of our therapy.

While I still find myself in the throws of therapy, my wife and I have raised two incredible daughters with whom I was intimately involved with their day to day care. Yes, I was overly protective and I made it a point that when each reached the age of middle school, I told them what happened to me.
I think that a point that hasnt been made but should is the fact that we would be good fathers if anything did happen to our kids. We would be the understanding parents that most of us didnt have. We would get the help that our kids would need to get on with their lives. My T says that most 12 year olds who have been abused can move on with their lives, successfully, with only six months of thoughtful therapy. As he put it one day, Some only need to hear that it wasnt their fault. Maybe thats all we need to hear, too.
Good luck to all prospective fathers,

David

P. S. Sorry, what I didn't say was, "Yes, I was frightened out of my mind that I would be a terrible father." But my therapist at the time reassured me that I would be OK. Staying in the present and taking care of business while I had to do some of those hands on duties, helped, too.
Both of us really wanted kids and we designed our lives around being a family.
 
This is an awesome thread, thanks Grunty.

I am not a biological father but a DAD of three great kids. And I can say one thing and I think I am absolutely right on this. If you and your wife decide to have a child, you will love that child like no other on this earth. You will watch him/her like a hawk and you WILL be over protective, you WILL make mistakes...but if you are in here on this board for the right reasons, facing your fears and taking control of your life...you are already in a spot to be a better father than 90% of the men I have known my whole life. If it happens for you, you will be a good father and you WILL feel blessed.
Everyone here is a survivor of sorts but that one thing that is the driving force, in me atleast, is not wanting this to happen to anyone. ESPECIALLY THE ONES I LOVE!!! I keep a tight rein on my kids and they know it...but they also love me. I pray every day my children never have to be on a board like this and I will walk to the end of the earth and die a miserable death to protect them from that.
I am my childrens father and I love every minute of it.
 
I had those fears at your age, and now wish I had not.
The other fear would have been my own protection of my children would stifle their lives.

I get broody and depressed, and to think it marred so many relationships, when a girl just wants to start a family, without me being to explain why not.

Maybe it would be something that would give you aim in life, having kids is a responsibility, so you need to be sure you are strong enough to cope.

Talk it through with a therapist and try to come to terms with what you really want,

ste
 
***** possible trigger*****

Grunty,

It's been a year since I posted on this and I don't know if this is still an issue for you. But since it has come up again, perhaps it's worth saying that these fears are common among survivors, and for good reason.

I remember wondering as an abused boy if the things being done to me would make me "like" the abuser somehow. That seemed to be confirmed when I hit puberty, since my first ejaculation was with him and of course he hooted about it and told me this showed that he was making me a man, that I liked it, blah blah blah.

If these old fears aren't resolved in youth they will just continue and show up in various ways in adulthood. Does this sound like something you may be doing?

The idea that abused boys become abusers themselves is a myth and there has been research on the subject. It is true that abusers often have a history of abuse in their own lives, but these usually emerge from the ranks of those boys who remained silent and isolated. Survivors who are able to talk and find support and understanding - as you are doing - are not the ones who turn into abusers themselves. Have a look at this discussion here on MS:

https://malesurvivor.org/myths.htm

Much love,
Larry

(edited to add the link)
 
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