scared of memories

scared of memories
J

jwh

Registrant
Haven't posted on here in a while; actually thought this site was dead for months b/c I couldn't find NOMSV. Glad it's not.

I used to rummage around a lot in my past, looking for concrete memories of my sexual abuse. Then, however, I found some, remembered who my perpetrator was, and my attitude changed. I understand now why I repressed them--they are scary as HELL!!!!!

In fact, when I really remember what it felt like, the combination of pain and terror, as well as arousal, I tend to feel very self-destructive and doomed. I tend to feel like I won't live very long. I started reading this book, "Broken Boys/Mending Men" and I got so freaked out by the explicit stuff they were describing I felt like I was going to go out of my skin with panic.

I am not new to recovery. I have been in group therapy for a little over two years, and am in individual too, with sexual abuse as my primary issue. It just bothers me a lot that I don't know how to cope with the combination of terror and arousal that I get into when I remember the abuse. I feel HATRED along with the terror and arousal, hatred at my abuser, hatred at everyone who didn't hear my cries for help . . .

Just wanted to share this.

Sexual abuse is soul laceration. :mad: :(
 
JWH: Abuse and arousal. What a goddamned combination. Yeh it happened to me too. my mind knew it was wrong and my body betrayed me. And then my perps thought it was what I wanted and bingo the guilt was transferred all to me as was the shame. I mean I wa 16 and someone was grabbing me by the testicles and rubbing and squeezing them. I would have had to have been a dead rabbit not to respond. Then I got trained and the guilt and shame deepened. How did I cope. Not very damned well. Did not seek therapy until I was 56 and that was 8 years ago. What a wasted life I led.

The anger was for a long time turned inward at myself and not where it belonged. But that is what they want cause it keeps us quiet and protects them. God I makes me furious now to think that I protected them.
 
Jwh... I can relate more than you could understand.


I used to rummage around a lot in my past, looking for concrete memories of my sexual abuse. Then, however, I found some, remembered who my perpetrator was, and my attitude changed. I understand now why I repressed them--they are scary as HELL!!!!!
Click to expand...
This is all I did for the first couple years of therapy... it did feel like I was rummaging around in an old attic looking for what was locked in my brain but I had no access to. Then holy hell broke loose once I found them... I got what I wished for, and didn't deal with it very well. I am still somewhat in that place of wanting to push everything back in the attic again and lock the door forever.

But I know that would be going backwards, and I have to trust the men here who have been through it before me... supposedly it gets better. I have been writing a lot about the memories that surfaced... it's hard as hell to do, but worth it because when I start to doubt my memories again, I can go and read what I wrote and know WITHOUT A DOUBT that it happened and that it wasn't my imagination.

I struggle with finding sexual violence arousing... it is the ultimate salt in the wound. And it comes with so much guilt and shame, it can be unbearable.

Glad you re-found this place. Hope you keep posting. PM me if you need to.

-Sean
 
JWH,

You're not alone in what you feel, as the other guys can attest to.

I repressed my own abuse for over 20 years and when it came back....BOOM! I relived months of abuse in a matter of seconds that had gone from (reletively?) mild to Goddamn horrific. Then, a month later and adding to the fun, I got back the memory that the bastard tried to kill me WHILE he was forcably abusing me again.

Every time, every GODDAMN time, I was aroused. My body STILL gets aroused, even through the pain and terror.

It's a horrible thing, but you were surviving. Your body was just on auto pilot. It's horrible, and you just feel worse when (if) your abuser says that you "liked it."

Yeah, we liked the pain and shame, didn't we? We liked being abused and ridiculed. These were lies they told us and themselves to justify what they did. They weren't true. They aren't true. Believe me, it isn't true.

Brother, I'm here if you need me. I have to deal with the rage everyday, and it's getting easier. There isn't a magic pill or some mantra that makes it easier. It takes effort, but believe me, it's worth it.

Peace and love, my brother. We care.

Scot
 
"I have been writing a lot about the memories that surfaced... it's hard as hell to do, but worth it because when I start to doubt my memories again, I can go and read what I wrote and know WITHOUT A DOUBT that it happened and that it wasn't my imagination."

Wow, man. I COMPLETELY relate to this. Do all of us doubt our memories? It is so bizarre, a catch 22: it seems like I have vacillated between yelling at myself that it didn't really happen and I'm just a "pussy, faggot," whatever terrible name my perpetrator gave me, or being in the memories and knowing absolutely that it happened and being scared to death of the knowledge that it did happen.

It seems that the pain of the known, being molested and blamed for it, but keeping this a secret and beating myself up, seems safer than fully admitting that it happened and opening myself up to all of that terror paired with arousal.

But I'm getting better. I feel like a lot of the time now I am in the sane place between those two extremes, acknowledging that the abuse happened and feeling at least more than I was ever used to feeling before. Before recovery, I had no idea how I felt about most things. I just knew that despair would overpower me and I would have to do anything I could to survive, which meant acting out to escape the feelings most of the time.

This is very scary, but it's the only way. The only way out is through.

Thanks, both of you guys, for replying. Even though I frequently take very long vacations from posting here, this is where my heart is.
 
I don't know if my statement is going to comfort you, but for what it is worth. I too am mixed up when it comes to feeling aroused and in pain or more fear in my case. I feel fear or anxiety and arousal at the same time. I haven't worked through these emotions yet but I am working on them.
I am trying to make me as safe as possible and avoid any sexaul activity which have a connection to my abuses or when I feel fear.
Perhps my body will learn to respond differently in the long run.

Take care,

Erik
 
jwh,

Glad you could reconnect with us.

I have recently began to see into the blacked out period during my first SA. Now I know why I blocked it out. It is scarier than hell. Why did I open that door, now it won't shut. On the better side. So much more makes sense. The fear in me is showing its self more and the rage is coming closer to the surface. Soon I will be able to grap hold of it and take care of that monster.

I guess I am saying is I understand. Thanks for sharing.
Bill
 
I'm very sorry that this is so hard for you. I can relate some, because I know that there are things that I still do not fully remember, and I wonder, how bad can they be, how much worse then what I have remembered always. I hope that the continued therapy helps you. I still have much terror and panic, I am so very sorry I do not have anything to say that can help you.

leosha
 
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