Scared for my son (triggers?)

[TX_Space]

Last night, I caught my son (5 y.o.) and his female cousin (3 y.o.) playing "daddy and mommy." This was the second time it's happened with the same two kids. The first time I was not there. From what I can gather, it involves them getting undressed and "exploring."

The first time my wife (or soon to be ex) handled it. I'm not sure exactly what was said by either but because it was DAYS before I was informed...I felt it better to leave the subject alone with him. This time I was able to ask what happened. He told me that they took off her shirt. BUt, that was all I could get from him.

This has me SO scared. My t told me after the first one that it was just normal exploration and experimentation. I want to believe that.

However, there are SO many fears running through my head. Where did he learn this? I tried asking him that in an unthreatening way. He said he didn't know...he just played it. I have been wracking my brain trying to figure out where he might have been exposed. I have a daughter (age 7)...but as far as I know, they've never been alone together long enough for her to teach him. Again, I shudder at that thought. He was in an after school program last year at our church...could it happen there? Or at the drop off day care we sometimes use?

My stbx who is NOT psychologically helpful sees blame every where. She doesn't understand the least thing about csa. And says some of the most stupid and hurtful and unproductive things. To me, not to him...again, as far as I can tell. I mean last night while talking to me about it...I was trying to explain the way kids...especially boys can be coerced into not talking...threats, shame, etc. She IMMEDIATELY started asking (accusing) me if I told him those things. Honestly, how stupid does she think I am? Like I'm going to say to a 5 y.o., "Has anyone touched you in a bad way and then threatened to kill you or us if you tell?" I mean HELL, I was telling her so that she would understand the lengths to which abusers would go to keep a boy quiet.

Then, she asked if I gave him enough information for him to KNOW what to say to "protect" himself out of getting in trouble for the "experimentation." The final straw was that she actually called him the perpetrator!! HE'S FIVE!! At that point, I told her she just needed to SHUT-UP!

So, here I am this morning...a basket case over SO many things. My son's actions. The fears it evokes in me. AND, my stupid stbx's idiocy...she doesn't understand or want to understand any of it.

I'm not sure why I'm writing this...I just don't know what to do or how to proceed. I don't want to create something that doesn't exist but I don't want my son to...I can't even think it any more.

Thanks for listening.
tx_space

 

[ForeverFighting]

What a mess our past makes. Of course, there's no way for me to know for sure if you have any valid reasons for worrying about your son's actions. And for me, of all people, to say this is something amazing, but I think some of what kids do is just exactly what your son said. They were simply playing. From our point of view, it's hard to view anything like that as innocent, but it may have just been innocent play. I think if it were my son, I would definitely have a simple chat with him about how 'we don't play that', and (I can't believe I'm saying this either) I wouldn't talk about it again. I'll tell you why.

Before I was SA, I remember my little sister and me playing like that. We didn't know anything was wrong, so it was like, in the middle of the livingroom. My mom told us not to do that. And we never did again. Later, it was my uncle and his father that started the SA stuff. Years later, my sister started remembering stuff about the same time I did. I mentioned that incident where she and I were playing, because I hadn't processed that yet as being before the abuse. She took what I told her to her therapist, and next thing I knew, she decided that ALL of her abuse over a period of 16 years was done by me, she had my parents up in arms, and she "reported" me to our church. The fact is, it wasn't me that SA my sister. And in retrospect, knowing that we were all dealing with terrible emotions and blurry memories, I wish I'd kept my mouth shut, because now even my mother leans toward believing that I was the perp.

Wow, heavy stuff. I'm just saying, maybe your kids are fine. Your protecting your son is going to make his life so much better. If he knows not to let anybody touch him, and he knows that playing that isn't OK, he may grow up perfectly. The smaller you make the incident, the better off he will probably be. Does that make sense?

 

[roadrunner]

TX,

This is a rough one - walking that fine line between overreacting and ignoring a bad situation. I hope Ken Singer gets in on this one; he really would be the one to know.

My own thought would be that at the age of five this is just curiosity pure and simple. Certainly your son is no perp. If I were in your shoes I would be thinking 1) How can I handle this so my son does not feel shamed or threatened, as if he has done something terrible?, and 2) How can I get the point across that parts of our bodies are private and others should not touch us there?

There are a few books on this subject, storybook things written for very young children and meant to present the issues in a way that they can understand without feeling frightened or ashamed. Again, perhaps Ken has some recommendations. I know there are disagreements about some of these books.

Take care,
Larry