scared and feeling helpless....

scared and feeling helpless....
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g35dw888

Registrant
My name is donovan I'm a 34 yr old male. I have a wonderful wife who has endured countless abuse from me because of my csa and the other problems that have come along with it. SExual, to anger to manipulation, non intentional. It's been five years and I'm just now begging to face my demon and try to acknowledge and battle the negative that it emminates. I guess now that I'm able to see more of what I'm doing I feel closer to my wife. Well telling her this has made her more angry w me knowing that she has been there the whole time. I belive in a way now that I'm letting her vent a little more she's starting to really let out alot. It's really hard for me to allow her the space to vent when I'm just now facing this. I feel like I'm battling it alone. I know she needs this. I've done a lot to hurt her as far as not supporting her when I should and trying to control everything. So I don't want to shut her down because I'm trying to gain her trust I just feel weak and so sad. I'm a very motivated person and I don't give up on things. So I'm going to with her I just want to know has anyone gone through this in the beginning. It's so hard. There's not a lot I feel I do right when it comes to being a good husband because my denial and lying to avoid battling this has caused so much mistrust and that piled on top of the fact that I get angry and at times I don't allow her to get mad because I need to not feel pain overpowers giving her any room to be mad or sad. I'm just starting my road to recovery just this month and wow I've read some post and this is a painful road I'm about to go on. :(
 
I've been there.

It is tough but I would never go back to how I was before.

Really get the part about not wanting to experience your wife's anger - for me this was rooted in the false belief that the feelings of other people could harm or even destroy me. I found it very healing to let my wife vent her anger and frustration and just pay attention, listen and witness and let it flow right through me.

This built trust in our relationship as we found we could honestly express our feelings and discovered those feelings were not the entire picture - we still wanted to be together - we still live each other under all the mess - AND we had let fear keep us isolated.

It's still hard for me to have emotionally intimate conversations with my wife- but it is healing. And empowering to speak my truth and to hear hers even if it is somewhat unpleasant at times.
 
I like the quote at the bottom of your post. It is such a huge relief to know I'm not alone. That's funny that your telling me about how good it was that you let her vent it all out and you could listen and pay attention. Someone was just telling me that at work today too. And it does feel like needles in my head when she is upset or hurting especially when I'm the cause of it. I'm coming home in two days and I think I'm going to give a good try while I'm at home. I need to learn to allow her to be her.
 
Hi Donovan. It does take bravery but, as a wife who has been there, I will say there are some great things that come from it.

But let me also say that venting anger and emotions does not have to be aggressive. I was aggressive in the beginning (with just cause I suppose as I had been the victim of my husband's abuse) but it was not good for either one of us. A very talented marriage therapist helped us both learn to work on this process. Teaching me to communicate my anger and frustration in ways that were not destructive and from that, real trust was born.

Just as your wife didn't deserve the emotional beating, neither do you.
 
That's a very good point of view that I hadn't really thought about yet...I still feel alot of shame and guilt and I might overlooking what I might have to endure as we go through this. I'll keep it in mind but I know I'll have to be very patient and move through it at first. I think my wife will pretty understand ING once she's knows how committed I actually am with this. I might end up bringing up the marriage counseling soon.. we are seeing therapists but separately. It will move together at some point.
 
So my wife is still so angry. She said today that she's mad at herself for not leaving me when she saw the bad signs. I told her I hope she didn't expect for me to respond to that. She's letting out so much. How do I distinguish anger from something else? I feel sick to my stomach. She is confused and says things like I had a normal sex life before you and now I don't. She is saying that everything I've done even proposing to her was a manipulation. Something tells me I just need to let it ride out and stay quiet and allow her to let everything out. But at what point is it not productive.
 
Donovan - she is allowed to transiently feel those things - although they are not exactly true, she can't pass off all her decisions on to you.

I have been there, and I would be lying if I said that I didn't have horrible moments where I said incredibly painful things to my husband when it all first came out. It is NOT PRODUCTIVE at this point. As I said earlier, anger and aggression don't have to come together in one package.

I would recommend seeing someone together. Even if it is yours or her therapist. Finding a way to work through this is crucial. Is she willing to come on here? She could private message me, I would be more than willing to speak with her. If she is anything like me, she will end up feeling very badly about these things and it is not good for her or for you.
 
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