Saying Goodbye

Saying Goodbye
C

cog

Registrant
Saying Goodbye

I have a best friend. There is none like him in the world. He has always looked out for me. When bad things happened, he was there to protect me. When I felt unsafe, he helped me feel safe. When I felt trapped, he helped me to get out. He has always been there for me.

My friend is like none other. He loves me dearly. And it grieves him to see me hurt. He cant stand it to see me hurt. He has sheltered me and made me feel safe when I was sure that safety was not available. He kept the hurt away and stood up for me when I was weak. He has provided for me. He has nurtured me. He visits me at work when I am struggling. He visits me at home with my family. He comes to see me when I am lonely. He takes walks with me. He has listened to me play piano. He has seen my children grow.

He has checked in on me when I am at the gym. He has sat at the dinner table with me and my family. He has walked the halls of my home. He has helped me with gardening, and doing stuff around the house. He has admired my artwork. He will come with me to church sometimes. He has always had the best intentions to see to my well being, and to make up for the love that I didnt get when I was growing up.

There is no one in him like in the whole wide world. I so dearly love my friend. My friend seems to understand me on a deep level of understanding, even when I dont understand myself. My friend hurts at the depths of his soul when I hurt. My friend would do anything to take away the hurt, the pain, and the suffering and he often has been successful at doing so. All he desires to do is to wipe away my tears, take away my fears and especially take away the hurt.

I am now just beginning to understand my friend -- how he has fought for me so diligently over the years to help me and especially to protect me. There is no friend more noble, and more dedicated than my friend. My friend loves me so. I am crying because it hurts that I have to say goodbye to my friend. Never in my entire life have I had a friend in the whole world that has loved me so. There is no greater friend that anyone could ask for.

My friend is very special to me. A part of me is so connected to him. My friend is so dear, because he is indeed a part of me. My friend when he has detected my hurt, my pain, my misery, and my suffering, he has helped me to become comfortable by reaching inside my mind and calming it by shutting it down.

My Friend, you were strong for me when I was weak. You were there for me to hold my hand when I was afraid and you were fearless. But, My Friend, I need to take control back of myself. I feel I am getting stronger, and that I can take on the hurt and the pain even though it is bad. I know that you will want to protect me and to help me so I dont hurt, but please, it is ok. I am a little stronger now.

I recognize what you have done for me. I owe you my life. I owe you everything. You have stood loyally by me over all these years. You loved me. You supported me. You protected me. You comforted me. You gave me peace. You took away the pain. I will never forget what you have done for me. But it is time for me to stand on my own now. It hurts me to say this, but I need to say goodbye. Please understand. You may not have been aware, but some of the times that you protected me, you also took away a part of my control. Those times you protected me, I was not able to function properly. Some of the times you protected me, I have had some of the following problems: seizures, stoke-like episodes, stupors, and altered states of consciousness, paralysis, and other similar problems controlling my body. The side effects of your protection has been difficult for me to understand. But I understand now. You were taking care of me the very best way that you know how.

I just want to say to you My Friend, thank you. You have been most loyal, and truly the best friend anyone could ask for. You got me through the very darkest points of my life. You took away the most horrible pain and suffering and you made it better for me. I want you to know that I am and will forever be grateful for your impact upon my life. You were so good to me, it is nothing that I could ever forget.

But I am stronger now. And although it pains me to the very soul to part with you as my best friend, I must. So I can step out into the real world and live. Please understand My Friend. I love you for what you did to protect me. But, I am getting stronger. I can protect myself now. Please dont be hurt. I am crying again, because I know how much you love me and care for me. I know you dont want me to get hurt. I know you dont want me to feel the pain anymore. But I am stronger now. I can face it. I can handle it. Its ok.

So My Friend, I say to you with the fondest of love and gentlest affection Goodbye.
 
Cog,
That is a beautiful letter. It truely is. I don't think I've seen anyone write a one to their inner child in such poetic terms. I hope it helps.
Mike
 
Cog So deep and moving, thank you. Best of luck in your healing. Muldoon
 
Cog
never forget your old friends though, they deserve a special place in our hearts.

Dave
 
COG.....i think what you are doing is assinine....this guy has been there for you during your darkest times....HAVE YOU BEEN THERE FOR HIM????? what is your declaration of independence going to do to him?????? if i was him i'd say f--- you!!!!!!....i so desire to have a friend that truly cares about me and here you are just tossing the guy aside because you are stronger now.....THINK ABOUT SOMEBODY BESIDES YOURSELF!!!!!!!.....maybe he needs you now or might in the future.......

if your independence is so important for you now, back away from the friendship a bit, but do not severe the relationship!!!!!.....do you realize how many lonely guys out here that want the type of friendship you have???????

i think you are being very egocentric and totally self-centered.....what you are doing is very foolish.....you declare your strength now, but how will things be in 6 months????? good i hope for your sake because you are severing ties with a very good supportive individual.....

THINK ABOUT SOMEBODY BESIDES YOUR SELF>>>>> THINK ABOUT YOUR FRIEND BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE.....
michaelb
 
Michaelb,
I think you misunderstand my purpose in my letter. I am sorry that it bothers you and I was hurt by how you characterized me.

I have a psychogenic seizure disorder due to sexual abuse. It has taken over my life and every aspect of my physical being. I haven't been able to work because of it. I am trying to gain strength and take my life back so that I can work and so that I can live. I am saying goodbye to that disorder. It is a coping mechanism that obviously isn't working. I am NOT saying goodbye to my inner child. I am beginning to nurture my inner child.

I am a little confused at your reply, but perhaps I wasn't clear enough in my letter. I am just trying to get myself better so I can return to work and live. Saying goodbye to "My Friend" -(aka Conversion Disorder, aka Non-Epileptic Seizure) I felt was a way for me to make a statement that I am regaining control of my own life and that I can become viable again. "My Friend" may come back and visit me from time to time which I may not be able to prevent, but he is now hurting me more than helping me so I must say "Goodbye".

I hope this clears things up for you and that you understand what I am trying to say.
 
Cog,

My friend like others I was not sure what you were referring to but nevertheless it was obviously deeply personal to you, and it touched me quite deeply as well.

My particular take on it before I read your explanation was that it might be referring to what Steven Farmer in "Adult Children of Abusive Parents" actually refers to as one of three inner children (or, if you prefer, three aspects of the inner child)--the Controlling Child.

The Controlling Child is the one who takes charge to protect the Hurting Child at all costs, which may be necessary for a time but ultimately hinders the growth of the Natural Child (what I call my true self).

Some people would call the Controlling Child their dark side or sinful nature, some their Addict or their DOC (Drug Of Choice), some their survival mode or survivor, some their Physician & some their (Invisible or Inner) Friend.

All of us call these different things and have different interpretations & manifestations of them.

Cog, all I know is that your goodbye letter to Your Friend is powerful, for you, and for me too.
You beautifully acknowledge the vital place this part of you had in your life while also emphasizing that it holds this place no more but rather holds you down, and thus must be bid farewell.

Thank you for the inspiration.

Victor
 
Cog: I think I got it the first time you wrote it. I knew it was not the inner child but something warm and enfolding that allowed you to function and survive. And that, by god whatever it was gave you one hell of a lot of support. I also understand the need to retake control so that life is more that just surviving. I cant quite figure out what helped me unless it was the numbness that I was able to enfold around my like a warm blanket to keep out the cold and dark. He helped me when I could not cope but like everything there comes a time when we must do more than just survive.

I would liken it to a son or daughter saying goodbye to a caring a loving parent. The child recognizes that to grow and develop they must strike out on their own. And I guess that is why the love of a child is destined to separation. All of us at sometime must strike out. And we do it with the blessing of what got us to where we are.
It was a beautiful letter
 
COG......I AM SO VERY SORRY.....i misunderstood.....i thought you were talking to a friend and you just posted the letter here before you gave it to the friend.....WOW!!!!!....did i totally screw up.....i was just so damn hurt that you were discarding a great friend because you felt better now and i wanted to try to change your mind before you told such a great friend "GOODBYE"......

i just did not want you to loose such an individual in your life.....i thought you were so fortunate to have such a great caring friend, something i so desire in my life.....i just thought you did not really appreciate what you had and was trying to make you aware of how lucky you were......

i apologize whole-heartedly if i upset you.....i'm very embarrassed that i did not understand the original post.....guess i've been overly emotional lately.....please accept my apology....take care.....michael
 
Cog,

What a beautiful letter. It really touched me, and brought tears to my eyes. I have built up this very gruff exterior around myself to protect the hurt child in myself, (also resulting in a rather anti-social personality) and your letter spoke volumes for me.

Thank you for sharing it with us.
 
Hi Cog,

When you said the following in a reply to your first letter, I finally understood what you were doing:

"Saying goodbye to "My Friend" -(aka Conversion Disorder, aka Non-Epileptic Seizure) I felt was a way for me to make a statement that I am regaining control of my own life and that I can become viable again. "My Friend" may come back and visit me from time to time which I may not be able to prevent, but he is now hurting me more than helping me so I must say "Goodbye".

Let me tell you buddy, those things were never ever in a million years your friend. They were either real medical conditions or self-created mental conditions you put yourself through to deal with your abuse. Whatever they were, let them go! Your friend is the strength, courage and conviction you have within you to find the answers to life's mysteries and to be the special creation you are inside. I am new here, so I don't know your particular situation - but I do know no matter what 'shit' life has given you, endure it and you will be rewarded with much more 'shinola'.

Finding ways to hide our past abuse, our problems, and most especially our own fears, is normal. But it is not healthy. Stand on your own. I think you will surprise yourself. Just realize things you felt kept you 'safe' and 'secure' and which were your friend by sheltering you from reality - those things are not your friend. They were killing you. I'm happy you said Good-Bye to them!! Yahoo!

Stand up. Be strong. Shine your light. ;)
 
michaelb: My brother do not beat yourself to death. It touched a raw nerve in you. God if we got everything right the first time what a f**ken dull world it would be. Mike I had my numbing down, my adrenelin rushes, my perversion as a male whore, my alcohlism and my heroin addiction. I guess I can, in retrospect call them friends; but in a really f**ked up way. They all helped me survive. All but the pull of the sort of pervsion I sought as a hustler have gone> Were they good friends? Maybe at the time. Mike dont beat yourself up. It was an honest mistake and you have apologized and cog ( as sense from all his posts here is really quite a guy) will accept it. It is a tough hand we have all been delt and as in any close families we will have our moments.
Nuff Said.
 
Michaelb, I ditto those good words from Mikechurch! Cog's words unintentionally hit one of your raw nerves, and you unintentionally responded in a way that fit his words as you understood them at the time, but not what they really meant from him. You had the best of intentions, as did he. Nothing wrong with that. Nothing at all.

So take care of yourself Michaelb.

You too Cog.

Victor
 
Cog, i feeel as mikechurch said so well, and many of the very well expressed word by others, you are 'family' here, and you are quite a guy, I admire your strenght to stick to it even though doing so causes you pain and siezures, I have watched you 'grow' through the few months you've been here and it is inspiring for myself and others to see that progress. thanks for being my friend and nagging me about getting the help we need, you are always thinking of others, even thoug you have such a heavy load to carry yourself.
God bless you for that
Gary
 
It is very kind to read the warm replies from you guys. Very touching. Thank you.

Michaelb, I appreciate and accept the apology. It isn't always easy to own up to and declare our own mistakes. I think it takes courage to do what you did. Good for you.

As you all know this stuff can be quite inexplicably overwhelming and this week especially for me has been such. I have been purposefully uncovering and seeking out the demons of the past in hopes of gaining some ground. It is extremely emotionally exhausting.

But all in all, it helps to know I have you guys here to support me. The support network is what it is about. Having a support system of friends who care about me and what is happening makes this burden just a little lighter. I really do look forward to talking (chatting) with you, receiving your support and reading your posts. So, Thank you all so much again.
 
COG.....THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH FOR ACCEPTING MY APOLOGY.....i still feel kind of foolish......i'm glad you are able to discard your illness.....but i am especially glad you are not discarding a friend.....you spoke in such eloquent and glowing terms, i thought your friend was a wonderful human being.....i so crave a really close friend, that it just hit really close to my inner self....i am VERY HAPPY you are moving on.....TAKE CARE of yourself and thanks for being so understanding.....michael
 
Cog, that is a very special letter.

Thank you so much for posting.

James
 
Cog,
Your letter hit a nerve so deep inside me that I had to write to THANK YOU. Of late, I have been struggling within myself to let go of my protector. He has been very good at watching over me but I am realizing that I have also lost. Who in this site does not have a trust issue? I do not trust a sole and he was/is a very good judge of who to let in but he has not let me open myself to others and I have lost out. I have just recently met someone that has completely blown me away and for the first time since my abuser I trust her completely. I can not stop talking to her and opening up and letting her know the real me where before I have always put on an act. It is a wonderful feeling knowing that someone cares and supports you. I am babbling on - I am sorry but THANK YOU FOR YOUR LETTER. It made a big impact.
 
' Red
I'm so happy for you :D :D

Dave
 
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