saw my abuser last weekend

[aceofdiamonds]

and boy does she do a horrible job of faking kindness and sincerity. I wish I would of seen that when I was a kid. It was my stepbrother's birthday and my dad (without asking me first cause I'm sure he knew I'd decline) invited my stepbrother, his brother and my evil stepmother to dinner with us. What was I supposed to do?

My dad has no idea about the extent of her abuse to me but I think it might be close to time to tell him. The mere idea of it scares me so much I've been in a low place the past couple days. He considers himself divorced which pisses me off cause my stepmom shouldn't count. He is widowed in my book. My birth mother died when I was almost 6. I wonder if she was watching the manipulative, callous, vile things she did to me. I wonder if she was watching when my stepmom locked me in my room because she was afraid I might embarrass her in front of her guests. Or the time she scolded me cause she thought I had an erection at the community pool. I didn't have one you stupid idiot, that bathing suit was too damn small! She genuinely thought I was a pervert.

I'm getting off on a tangent here the point is I want to tell my dad to stop talking to her but it is very scary. I'm thinking of putting an ultimatum down like either you stop talking to her or I'll stop talking to you but I know I could never do that because I still need my dad for a lot of things and would be lost without him.

Can anyone give some advice on how to deal with this? Should I of just made up some excuse to stay home? thx

 

[Dale English]

Hi Ace,

This sure is a tough one and it puts you in a difficult place. You said in your post:

Originally posted by aceofdiamonds:
I want to tell my dad to stop talking to her but it is very scary. I'm thinking of putting an ultimatum down like either you stop talking to her or I'll stop talking to you but I know I could never do that because I still need my dad for a lot of things and would be lost without him.

First of all, there are no "shoulds". You did what you did because you were taken completely by surprise. However, now you have a choice to make. You know it's not ok for you to be in your stepmother's presence. That's the issue...not what your father decides to do for himself even though it hurts your feelings. So, if you feel up to it, let your dad know what feelings you feel when she's around you. Let him know what it does to you. Then let him know that you've decided to cut yourself off from her completely and you want to know if he will support you in your decision.

Look for ways to have your dad support you rather than giving him an ultimatum and having him have to chose between you and someone else. If you're not prepared to lose that battle, I wouldn't suggest you fight it. Besides do you want him to suppport you because you forced him to or because he can hear you and wants to help?

Ace, whether he gives you his support and respect or not, believe in your self and what is right for you. And know that there are hundreds of men here who share your convictions. This is a big step. Think it through. Be clear. Then act. We're here for you!

Taz

 

[outis]

aceofdiamonds,

There is no reason you have to go someplace you don't want to go. This isn't some court calling you to testify. It's merely a dinner.

You might just tell your Dad you can't make it. If he insists on knowing more about your reasons, and you're comfortable enough to tell him, maybe schedule a time after the dinner to meet with him alone. If you're not comfortable, he should accept that you have made your decision and you are sticking to it without providing him an "explanation."

I wouldn't try to tell him how to define his relationships (divorced vs widowed). It seems to me that's really his business. No one can force you to call her your mother or think of her that way. No one should force him to think of her in a particular way, either. If you choose to give him the facts that he doesn't have now, he will have to come to terms for himself with what they mean.

Please try not to worry about taking care of your own needs and wants. Your life is yours.

Thanks,

Joe

 

Hey Ace,

I agree with what's been said so far. You do not need to put yourself in a position that makes you that uncomfortable.


When it comes to an ultimatum though, I have to caution you with that. A lot of people will see that as a form of emotional blackmail, when you don't mean it to be, and lash out.

I agree that you should schedule some private time with your father, in a place you feel comfortable, and tell him what you want him to know. Doesn't have to be everything. This will give you more of a real take on his being supportive than if you make it a showdown.

HTH,

Marc