Saturday w/the family

Saturday w/the family
J

Jaysen

Registrant
So I went on Saturday and it wasn't as bad as I expected it to be. In fact a few interesting things happened.

It was nice to see some of my cousins that I haven't seen in a long time. My mother was happy to see me but I could tell she was shocked when I showed up and she was nervous around me all day long. I didn't bring anything up or say anything negative to her, I kind of felt bad for her in a way, can't explain that really but I did.

The old man did exactly as I expected him to do when I showed up, gave an "oh great my fuck up son is here" attitude and walked away. But later in the day I was showing my bike to one of my cousins, the old man walked in and was just standing there looking at it, watching me.
He actually spoke to me... it didn't register at first, I just kind of looked at him for a minute... so he said something like "hello anything? earth to jaysen, I'm talking to you" and he reached over to tap me on the shoulder... I slapped his hand away and said "don't ever put your hand on me, I heard what you said."

I expected him to flip out but he didn't.
I answered his question.
It was awkard talking to him, I felt like a fucking 10 year old trying to explain why I made a mess in the garage or something. I hated it.

My cousin had left at that point and it was just me and the old man... at some point while I was rambling about the carburetor and atmospheric pressure out of nowhere I blurted out "I know you think I'm a fuck up... you know that IF I am fucked up it's a direct result of the way you treated me as a kid RIGHT?"
I didn't say it sarcastically or anything, just asked it like a regular question... he got that real serious "I'm going kill you now" look on his face, just like I remember as a kid. I figured he was going to take a swing but he didn't.
He got close and said real quiet, "we're not discussing this today, it's not the time or the place." And he walked away.

That was it. He avoided me for the rest of the day.

It was strange being there, the whole thing with the old man left me angry and confused and just shaking my head all day thinking 'what the fuck'... It was terrible going into that house, I only went inside to use the bathroom, I didn't go anywhere near my old bedroom or any of the places where the abuse happened. But the sounds in there, the smell... it was all I could do to hold it together. I felt completely out of place but I didn't let it show. After I got home I was emotionally wrecked.

And I know at least a couple of you are wondering... the answer is no, I didn't drink.

Thanks for reading.
Jay
 
dude that took guts!your stronger than i am thats for sure ,i always wanted to tell my dad how bad he fucked me up ,but always freeze when i could just do what you did.good job dude, adam
 
Thanks!
But I don't think it took guts or anything, I don't really know where it came from, I just suddenly blurted it out then wanted to run & hide or hit the deck immediately after! That's the first time in my life that I've ever spoken like that to him. He was always the "don't speak unless you're spoken too" or get the back of his hand type of guy you know?

I expected him to take me out! But he didn't, that felt strange and good.

So that thing I was saying last week about "winning". I know there's not really anything to win or lose with this shit.

But if there was... the score would be:
Jay 1
Sperm donor 0

;)
 
All right Jaysen!!! Congratulations on pulling that off with courage.
 
And why do I feel like that goddamn stupid 10 year old who couldn't do a damn thing right! Ever since I left there... can't shake this feeling, it's making me crazy.

J
 
Jay, thank you for the update. Hey, it SEEMS like you guys might be able to actually have a conversation later? Is this true?.....and......would you like to?

Seriously, it seems that maybe your Dad has changed. Sometimes, we just change. We get older, we think about what we've done and how we've lived and we change. Maybe your Dad has done the same thing? Could you give us some feedback about that?

Did his demenor/attitude change? It seems to me that he was MAYBE trying to talk to you?
 
Jay,

From what you say it looks like the weekend wasn't so bad. First, you managed to keep on an even keel with your mother. That's positive and worth feeling good about.

Second, you managed pretty well with your father I think. With Hauser, I wonder if perhaps he's making a first effort. The thing is that you stood your ground and faced him down. A lot of this dynamic around the bike between you two was about boundaries, and you let him know when he crossed yours.

Third, you kept safe where the house was concerned. You felt emotionally wrecked, okay, but you acknowledged this and did what you could to minimize the harm and stay safe.

And finally, you didn't go home and seek refuge in alcohol. That's a really big step. What that means is that you kept things real and faced the weekend as Jay.

Well done! :)

Much love,
Larry
 
Nope - go for it but let me get out of range first. :eek:

L.
 
Thank God. I have PMs to answer, my favorite jeans are in the wash, and I haven't a THING to wear otherwise.

L.
 
Originally posted by Jaysen:
And why do I feel like that goddamn stupid 10 year old who couldn't do a damn thing right! Ever since I left there... can't shake this feeling, it's making me crazy.
Click to expand...
You're just really confused, is all. You're used to your father acting a certain way, and he didn't act that way this time; so you're in what I like to call "WTF" mode. Your mind will process this incident eventually; it's just taking its time, like a child s-l-o-w-l-y climbing into a pool of cold water.

And I'm very glad you didn't drink!
 
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