Satan's at the door. Should I open it?

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Satan's at the door. Should I open it?

Hi Guys!

I know this sounds really dumb. But I need your help. Here's why...

Today I met with my doctor. Previously we talked over the phone about my CSA. But this was the first time I talked about my perp (my older brother) in person with her.

It was a good visit. She is tweaking my meds. That should help. And she was extremely supportive. But here's the catch...

Whenever I talk about this with anyone, I feel like a little kid again. And that somehow my older brother will find out. And that's he's coming to get me. To carry out all the threats he made when I was little.

In my head, I know that's silly. My older brother has been dead and buried for over 11 years now. But it feels like one of those horror movies in which Freddy or Jason is out to get me.

So, Satan's at the door. Should I open it?

Or I guess what I really want to hear is that I'm okay, that it is silly, that maybe others sometimes feel this way, that I'm not flipping out.

Does that make sense? I guess most of all I want to hear that it's okay to tell, that nothing bad will happen.

Thanks,

Jasper
 
Jasper,

You are NOT crazy. Feelings are always OK to express. One can act on feelings in inappropriate ways (e.g., isolate yourself from society) but the feeling of these things and expressing them are great! Keep sharing!

Hang in there, bro!
 
Jasper,

It is more than OK for you to tell.

It is the exact right thing to do.

Nothing bad is going to happen because you told.

You might talk with your therapist about some exercises (writing letters, or confronting the 'ghost' of your brother in a therapeutic setting or other techniques) to help you 'reframe' your experience.

After so many years of thinking in a certain way about the abuse, it took me a while to change my POV. Time spent reframing and processing with new understanding and support really helped me a lot.

It's like I could scarcely believe that I was strong enough to challenge those old demons, but once I started with the help of my therapist, the doubts rapidly began to fade.

You are in the right place and you are doing the right thing. Keep up the good work! You are an inspiration to many here.

Thanks for posting.

Regards,
 
Jasper - I can only speak from experience, and I know that speaking about it was the best thing that I ever did.

Before I spoke up, everything was just like a boil full of puss bubbling away under the surface - nobody else knew it was there, but it caused me a lot of problems. Since I've spoken up, most of the puss has gone. Now it's like I just have the scabs left on the surface that my freinds get to see - they give me balm to cure the scabs. They couldn't do anything about the boils because they didn't know they were there till I told them.

My perv used to call me a little shark - what he probably didn't realise at the time, is that every time a shark looses a tooth, another one grows back to replace it. This little shark has talked about it, lost the odd tooth in the process, but they have all grown back and I am biting my perp - taking him to court.

Talking is good!

Best wishes ...Rik
 
BRAVO RICK!!! Don't mess with the sharks!

There have been many times the last weeks when I have told different aspects of my experience to different people and had the same fear. My mom was coming for me.

She's been dead 20 years, and I don't care if she is rolling around in her grave - serves her right.

I am taking back my life...my WHOLE life.
 
I heard a good story about this once in a group I attended.

"Fear was knocking at the door. Faith got up to answer and when the door was opened, no one was there."

Sounded pretty profound to me at the time.

Thanks,
 
"Fear was knocking at the door. Faith got up to answer and when the door was opened, no one was there."
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Wow! You guys are just the greatest. Every one of you offered a priceless nuggest of wisdom. How can I thank you?

I do feel proud of myself for being able to talk about it with my doctor. She really is quite knowledgeable on the subject--which says a lot about how much has probably changed in the last 10 or 20 years. Plus the very concept of a site like MaleSurvivor is incredible. Sometimes I imagine all those wounded men who came before me, men and boys who didn't have the benefit of englightened medical care or the type of support that is available at the click of a mouse. And I am very humbled by the courage that they must have shown. Know what I mean?

Plus, I salute you Rik for taking this to court. Your battle is our battle. Your victory will be one in which we can all take joy. Thank you!

Most of all, it really helped admitting my fears to you guys. In the past, I've frequently had flashbacks in which my older brother was coming up behind me, pushing me down. Or slapping me around. Or punching me. Yesterday I expected some type of "retribution" for speaking up. I know that seems kooky but there's still that childlike fear that "big brother" will find out. Okay, maybe it's not so kooky but it feels that way. Anyhow, I made it through the day without any major flashbacks and only a manageable amount of body terror. So thank you one and all!

Take care,

Jasper
 
Jasper,

I haven't been around here very much in many months, but I logged on today, after yet another broken relationship with no boundaries, and your entry caught my eye--it's like you were writing my unconscious.

My older brother, and one of his friends, sexually abused me when I was eight years old, then made fun of me about it, calling me a "faggot" and a "buttfucker" for years afterward. When I was twelve, my older brother, Jim, died in a car wreck.

His ghost has haunted me for two decades. I got into recovery about four years ago, and I can say that his ghost has lessened considerably in size. Mostly, I see Jim as someone who had to have been molested himself for what he did to me, and look at his single car wreck as a sad testimony to his own lack of coping skills.

But, to the little boy in me, he's still a vampire.

It's inspiring to see you facing these fears. I know, from experience, that it is the scariest thing in the world to do. It feels like there is a pit beneath me, even as I write this, and I feel myself zoning out, dissociating, just like when I was a kid. But I won't zone out completely; I'll face a little more today, esp. because I am here, and your entry is helping me see what I need to look at.

Cheers to you for facing the ghost. I am so glad that there are doctors and therapists out there who understand you. When I was first breaking down, at 18, no one, including me, had any clue what was going on, so I ended up going through two marriages and many addictions, just running... Now I know that I can face the ghosts...

Thank you for your entry.

Jeff
 
I am so glad that there are doctors and therapists out there who understand you. When I was first breaking down, at 18, no one, including me, had any clue what was going on
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Thank you, Jeff, for your kind words. You are one of the men of courage whom I referred to in my post. Whatever regrets you may have, you lived your life in such a way that you survived, to be here now at this moment, inspiring me.

Welcome back! You arrived just in time! :)

Cheers,

Jasper
 
Jasper
Doors can be awkward things, they jam shut when we want to get through in a hurry, they squeak when we want to creep through without anyone knowing, and they can swing open on their own when the catch is broken, if we're not careful they hit us in the face when someone comes rushing through from the other side.

But eventually we get through the door, we have to. If we don't we just sit and wonder what's on the other side?

Dave
 
Dear Jasper,

Your fears are nothing to be mocked at; they are very real indeed, even though your brother has passed away for many years. I believe it is the trauma that remains.

What is important is for you bear no grudge against your brother. I know it may be very difficult, and I don't pretend that it is easy at all.

I don't know what your religious beliefs are but in my religion, unforgiveness is the greatest impediment to God's grace. When we forgive the person, even a deceased person, we "release" that person, and somehow, life gets easier after that.

As for the fears, you could say a few prayers when they come. A simple Our Father, or a Hail Mary (my personal favourite!), or try one of the following:

Angel of God, my guardian dear,
To whom God's love commits me here,
Ever this day (or night) be at my side,
To light and guard, to rule and guide,
From stain of sin, oh! keep me free,
And at my death my Helper be! Amen.

Saint Michael, the archangel!
Defend us in battle, and be our defense against the wickedness and snares of the Devil.
May God rebuke him (this "him" can be your brother, if you feel frightened), we humbly pray,
And do thou, O Prince of the Heavenly Host,
By the power of God,
Cast into hell Satan, and all the other evil spirits who prowl about the world for the ruin of souls. Amen.


Take care!!

Timothy
 
I don't know what your religious beliefs are but in my religion, unforgiveness is the greatest impediment to God's grace.
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Hello Timothy:

I very much appreciate your heartfelt concern for me. But to set the record straight, I think I am the one who may have created a misimpression here. I didn't mean to suggest in any literal sense that I am troubled by, or frightened by Satan. I was only using that metaphor to describe the intense feelings I have about my brother. To the little child I once was, my older brother did indeed seem like the devil. There was no other word for him back then that truly fit. And even though I am now a grown man of 50 years, there is still a little boy in me who is frightened by my "devil" brother, whenever I disclose to yet another person about the physical and sexual abuse.

So it's my fault if I worded this awkwardly. I was just trying to communicate my very childlike fears that my brother will return to get me--not in body, not in spirit, but in the form of flashbacks. Does that make sense?

Also, I thank you for those beautiful prayers. I was raised a Catholic. I no longer identify myself as a Catholic. But I still respect many of the traditions of the church. And I pray to Mary, St. Jude, and other saints. It gives me tremendous comfort and is very much a part of my overall spirituality. So thank you.

For those who are interested, I might mention that I did not leave the Catholic church because of the abuse by my brother. I left because of the church's teachings on homosexuality and other doctrinal matters. But most of my family members are devoutly Catholic, including my oldest brother who was recently ordained a deacon. (Something of which we are all proud.)

It is very painful, however, that my abusive brother used my youthful faith and early desire to become a priest in very hurtful ways. He once went so far as to desecrate a small holy statue by inserting it into me. So he was very, very sick, even at a young age.

Later, in his teen years, when it became obvious that he was paranoid schizophrenic, he had many of the regligious delusions that are common to this illness. He proclaimed himself the Son of God, surrounded himself with bibles and holy statues, and let his hair grow long like Jesus. Unfortunately, that phase of his life was not at all related to any deeply held beliefs. Once on medication, he had absolutely no desire to attend Mass. Odd, don't you think? But that's how it is with paranoid schizophrenics.

I mention all this because my brother was in and out of institutions most of his life. He died a very sad, pathetic death. And I was one of the pallbearers at his funeral. So in that sense, the adult me forgave the adult he became.

But honestly, I had no idea what I was forgiving back then. How could I? Most of my memories are only surfacing now. And it's like one daily horror show after another.

So in a spiritual sense, the grownup me bears him no ill will. I leave it to God's hands what to do with him. But to little Jasper? That scared child within me? The one who is suffering every day because of painful events that started at 9 months old and ended at 11 years old? That part of me isn't sure when or even if I might forgive him. I think that's reasonable, don't you?

Thanks for allowing me to take the time to fully explain the situation.

Although I am not a churchy person, I have much faith in a higher power. So allow me to say...

God bless you!

Jasper
 
Jasper, Here we are again little brother!

It is always nice to see details about how one of us feels about something, or things in general, because then we know that person a little better and can feel for him in a more direct way. But of course you don't have to justify anything my friend. All of your feelings and emotions about what happened to you are part of who you are. Only you have the right to change that, although others might observe and comment on things they think might help you.

It made a lot of sense to me when you wrote about Big Jasper forgiving what your brother became, while Little Jasper isn't sure. It's like that thread elsewhere (I forget the title, but you commented on it I think) where someone talked about getting "stuck" at the stage of the abused child. That's Little Jasper for you, and it sure is Little Larry for me. This sort of idea helps me a lot in trying to relate to what happened and what I should do now.

I was most struck by your comments about forgiveness, and I know that for many people there is a profound religious dimension to this. I was raised a Protestant but would no longer identify myself as that, though I am not an unreligious person. For people who feel that they need to adhere the doctrines of the Church, that's fine and I hope it works out for them. But I rather see it as Ken Singer put it somewhere: you only need to be thinking about forgiveness if it will be helpful in your recovery. This is up to Little Jasper. He may want to go this route someday, but for now what I think he needs is lots of hugs and assurances that whatever happened he was always a good kid and this wasn't his doing. When Little Jasper has reached some decision on this, he will let you know. In the meantime, it simply doesn't matter what others think.

Take care,
Larry
 
I was most struck by your comments about forgiveness, and I know that for many people there is a profound religious dimension to this.
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Hi Larry!

As I said to you in a recent e-mail that is probably waiting in your box, it is always good to hear from you. It is especially pleasing to hear from you on this topic.

I LOVE TALkING about my spiritual beliefs because they have been my one bright shining star. That and my ability to write have kept me going through the darkest times. And my spiritual beliefs are always evolving. One of the most fascinating areas for me is comparitive theology.

Why do I mention this now? In this context? Well, when I was talking to my doctor about the things my brother did to me, starting at 9 months old, she asked me where he was now. I told her he had died 11 years ago. "But David wants to dig him up," I added. "And kick him around a little."

Then she said something that kind of shocked me a little. Because my doctor is a very kind, gentle, sensitive person.

"Don't worry about him," she said. "He's already doing his sentence in hell!"

It was a good line, don't you think? But I was also stunned. Yes, I understand people having such a violent reaction to the news of my abuse. And yet...and yet...he is still my brother!

Until just a few months ago, I was still trying to polish his halo, trying to transform him in death into more the brother that I would have liked. Maybe that's sick. Maybe that's just good old denial. But do people, like my doctor and like Andy understand that it is still painful for me to hear some of this.

Oh, don't get me wrong! I call him plenty of names. And sometimes, Larry, you and I have even argued over this. Should I view my brother as a very sick, very disturbed individual who came into this world lacking the most fundamental human qualities? Or do I get to say, "Tell that sick bastard he is pure evil and he can rot in hell for all I care."

Maybe when I can successfully answer that question, a real healing can happen. But for now, I think on a spiritual level--believe it or not!--my brother's spirit is glad to see me finally dealing with the issues around my abuse. Because he too needs to heal, needs to come to peace with it. And he can't really feel God's amazing power of forgiveness, until he can work through what he has done and learn to forgive himself.

Is that all a little too "New Age"? I guess so. It's hard to put some of these concepts into words. But sometimes when I'm not beating dead trees and thinking of my brother, I look up past the tall pines to the blue sky overhead. Then I think..."Maybe, maybe someday I will not hate. But I've been making excuses too long for my brother. Hate is part of my healing."

Well...now that's probably not the kind of sermon you might hear from my brother the deacon. But that's where I am right now. What do you say?

Take care, older brother!

Jasper

P.S. Go read your e-mail, okay? :D
 
Jasper,

I had great fears every time I talked of this at all. And there still are some time, with triggers, that I go back to feeling like a child, whatever age, and fearing that if I close my eyes I will see it again, but if I keep them open, reality will hit me hard. It is not an abnormal thing to be thrown back into the times of the abuse, the ages, the feelings and fears. Take good care of yourself, and allow yourself the feelings as they occur.

Leosha
 
Thanks, Leosha. I appreciate your saying that. It is just a painful time right now. For example, I lay down to go to sleep and woke up feeling my brother's hands choking me. I don't know when or where that happened, not yet. But I trust these body memmories when they come. So instead of sleeping I am up, still with those darn hands gripping me.

But it will pass.

Thanks again!

Jasper
 
Hi Jasper!!

Hey, don't worry, bro! I knew what you were refering to when you used the term "Satan". I believed (when I first read your post) that you were using it in a metaphorical way to describe the moral attributes of your late brother, rather than a real evil presence.

But I hope I don't come across to you (and to the other guys here) that I am a perfect, self-righteous person who forces his beliefs on other people. I have so much to learn and so much to cope with still. But I am so grateful that the guys on this website have helped so much with their kind words and counsel.

I laughed a little when you said, "But David wants to dig him up and kick him around a little"!!

Anyway, fortunately for us, the holiness of God cannot be diminished by the wickedness of his false servants, your brother including.

Lastly, if you are 50 years old, I am about half your age so maybe I could be your adopted son and you could be like the "daddy" I never had. Cool? :o )

Take care, dad!!

Timothy
 
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