sans me
sans me
- Thread starterThad
- Start date
WOW THAD !
SOUNDS TO ME LIKE YOU HAVE PUT YOUR RAGE TO GOOD USE STRENGTHENING YOUR ACQUIRED BOUNDARIES. WHAT CLARITY IN YOUR EXPRESSIVENESS.
WHAT YOU DESCRIBE IS MY LIFE TOO RIGHT UP TO THE BRICK WALL( YOUR WIFE). HERE I GOT LUCKY AND FOUND MYSELF WITH A MATE WHO HAD THE CAPACITY TO SEE HER BEHAVIOR AND WORK ON CHANGE. I HAD MY OWN MOUNTAIN TO MOVE IN MY PERSONAL WORK. MORE THAN ONE OF MY FRIENDS HAVE BEEN, OR ARE, IN YOUR SITUATION. ONE OF THEM RECENTLY (AFTER 10 YEARS [?] OF DIVORCE WAS APPROACHED BY HIS WIFE WHO APOLOGISED. AN OTHER FRIEND'S RELATIONSHIP JUST SEEMED TO DETERIORATE INTO WILD ACCUSATIONS. YET ANOTHER FRIEND HAS HAD TO WAIT UNTIL HIS CHILDREN BECAME ADULTS, BUT STILL THEIR RELATIONSHIP IS AT BEST IFFY.
WHAT PROFOUND PAINFUL LOSSES FOR ALL OF YOU. THE LOVE YOU HAVE TO GIVE IS TREATED WITH CONTEMPT AS ARE YOU.
IN ALL MY FRIENDS TRIALS, BOUNDRY MAINTAINANCE WAS AN EXCRUCIATING STRUGGLE. IN THAT THERE WAS ALSO THE STRUGGLE TO KEEP MOTHER ISSUES OUT OF THE QUAGMIRE. FROM WHAT I SAW IN THEM AND HEAR IN YOU IT IS A HEROIC STRUGGLE. BLESS YOU FOR THE LOVE YOU HAVE IN YOUR HEART AS EVIDENCED BY YOUR ANGER. IF YOU DIDN'T CARE YOU WOULDN'T BE IN THIS STRUGGLE.
I HAVE HEARD THAT ANGER IS A PROTECTIVE EMOTION AND I BELIEVE THAT THAT IS THE GOOD OF ANGER. WHEN, HISTORICALY, WE HAVE BEEN FACE TO FACE WITH A SABER TOOTHED TIGER WE EITHER RUN LIKE HELL, FREEZE (GO NUMB) OR FIGHT LIKE HELL, ALL THESE ARE COPING SKILLS WHEN WE FACE OUR TERROR.
-------- BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF
[ September 22, 2001: Message edited by: RJD ]
SOUNDS TO ME LIKE YOU HAVE PUT YOUR RAGE TO GOOD USE STRENGTHENING YOUR ACQUIRED BOUNDARIES. WHAT CLARITY IN YOUR EXPRESSIVENESS.
WHAT YOU DESCRIBE IS MY LIFE TOO RIGHT UP TO THE BRICK WALL( YOUR WIFE). HERE I GOT LUCKY AND FOUND MYSELF WITH A MATE WHO HAD THE CAPACITY TO SEE HER BEHAVIOR AND WORK ON CHANGE. I HAD MY OWN MOUNTAIN TO MOVE IN MY PERSONAL WORK. MORE THAN ONE OF MY FRIENDS HAVE BEEN, OR ARE, IN YOUR SITUATION. ONE OF THEM RECENTLY (AFTER 10 YEARS [?] OF DIVORCE WAS APPROACHED BY HIS WIFE WHO APOLOGISED. AN OTHER FRIEND'S RELATIONSHIP JUST SEEMED TO DETERIORATE INTO WILD ACCUSATIONS. YET ANOTHER FRIEND HAS HAD TO WAIT UNTIL HIS CHILDREN BECAME ADULTS, BUT STILL THEIR RELATIONSHIP IS AT BEST IFFY.
WHAT PROFOUND PAINFUL LOSSES FOR ALL OF YOU. THE LOVE YOU HAVE TO GIVE IS TREATED WITH CONTEMPT AS ARE YOU.
IN ALL MY FRIENDS TRIALS, BOUNDRY MAINTAINANCE WAS AN EXCRUCIATING STRUGGLE. IN THAT THERE WAS ALSO THE STRUGGLE TO KEEP MOTHER ISSUES OUT OF THE QUAGMIRE. FROM WHAT I SAW IN THEM AND HEAR IN YOU IT IS A HEROIC STRUGGLE. BLESS YOU FOR THE LOVE YOU HAVE IN YOUR HEART AS EVIDENCED BY YOUR ANGER. IF YOU DIDN'T CARE YOU WOULDN'T BE IN THIS STRUGGLE.
I HAVE HEARD THAT ANGER IS A PROTECTIVE EMOTION AND I BELIEVE THAT THAT IS THE GOOD OF ANGER. WHEN, HISTORICALY, WE HAVE BEEN FACE TO FACE WITH A SABER TOOTHED TIGER WE EITHER RUN LIKE HELL, FREEZE (GO NUMB) OR FIGHT LIKE HELL, ALL THESE ARE COPING SKILLS WHEN WE FACE OUR TERROR.
-------- BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF
[ September 22, 2001: Message edited by: RJD ]
Thad,
Yikes!!!
I agree with RJD....this post is actually a pretty important piece of work. Knowing you to be the on-top-of-it-most-of-the-time intellectual, I commend you for bypassing your head and pulling this stuff up from your gut. It makes the situation pretty clear.
The part of your post that sounds pretty empowering to me is
It sounds to me as though you've gone to cooperation route for the benefit of your kids, but that their mother isn't supporting you in the same way that you are supporting her when it comes to their welfare. This, of course, is difficult for both of you because when kids are involved THEY have opinions and that's yet another (unpredictable) variable. As you know, most typical kids do a fair amount of jerking their parents around and - in cases where their parents are separated - playing them one against the other. I don't even think that most of this is planned or even thoughtfully done....they, like you, are trying to find their boundaries....and pushing against the ones their parents have set. Messy stuff.
After a night's sleep, I hope that you can step back and not be so hard on yourself, Thad. You know that you have done a lot of healing work and it isn't all linear, of course. Also, it has been my experience that there are setbacks.... This stuff is like navigating a mine field. But you have come many miles on this path, and this is just a tree that has fallen in front of you. Use your anger to saw through it, clear it, and keep moving forward.
Know that we're all here on the path with you. Lean on us a bit until you regain your strength.
Don
Yikes!!!
I agree with RJD....this post is actually a pretty important piece of work. Knowing you to be the on-top-of-it-most-of-the-time intellectual, I commend you for bypassing your head and pulling this stuff up from your gut. It makes the situation pretty clear.
The part of your post that sounds pretty empowering to me is
It sounds to me as though you've gone to cooperation route for the benefit of your kids, but that their mother isn't supporting you in the same way that you are supporting her when it comes to their welfare. This, of course, is difficult for both of you because when kids are involved THEY have opinions and that's yet another (unpredictable) variable. As you know, most typical kids do a fair amount of jerking their parents around and - in cases where their parents are separated - playing them one against the other. I don't even think that most of this is planned or even thoughtfully done....they, like you, are trying to find their boundaries....and pushing against the ones their parents have set. Messy stuff.
After a night's sleep, I hope that you can step back and not be so hard on yourself, Thad. You know that you have done a lot of healing work and it isn't all linear, of course. Also, it has been my experience that there are setbacks.... This stuff is like navigating a mine field. But you have come many miles on this path, and this is just a tree that has fallen in front of you. Use your anger to saw through it, clear it, and keep moving forward.
Know that we're all here on the path with you. Lean on us a bit until you regain your strength.
Don
Thad,
Sometimes I feel the same way. I think you're on the right track when you said that you can't let your ex's behaviours rule your relationship with your children. My wife and I are still together, well we live in the same house anyway. I have a similar problem of constantly having to defend her actions and reactions to my youngest daughter. My oldest daughter doesn't like me very much because I've refused to continue to support her, her husband and their daughter, they need to stand on their own. My wife continually undermines any of my efforts to wean them of our support. I gladly give my daughter any kind of moral support, advise (if she asks for it), help her with her education, etc. I'm tired of financially supporting my adult daughter and her husband wheb they don't want to provide for themselves, think they deserve to have everything that I have worked hard for all my life and won't curtail any expense when it's not their money.
Well that was a good bit of venting.
When I don't feel very good about myself I let other people reinforce those feelings.
Steve
Sometimes I feel the same way. I think you're on the right track when you said that you can't let your ex's behaviours rule your relationship with your children. My wife and I are still together, well we live in the same house anyway. I have a similar problem of constantly having to defend her actions and reactions to my youngest daughter. My oldest daughter doesn't like me very much because I've refused to continue to support her, her husband and their daughter, they need to stand on their own. My wife continually undermines any of my efforts to wean them of our support. I gladly give my daughter any kind of moral support, advise (if she asks for it), help her with her education, etc. I'm tired of financially supporting my adult daughter and her husband wheb they don't want to provide for themselves, think they deserve to have everything that I have worked hard for all my life and won't curtail any expense when it's not their money.
Well that was a good bit of venting.
When I don't feel very good about myself I let other people reinforce those feelings.
Steve
Steve,
Right on!
Don
Right on!
Don