Same words same feelings


I write the same thing, just worded different, I feel fine and I’m dragged below the surface.
Nothing to show for.
Just a fucked up situation and a shameful past I’ll never speak of.
My way to cope has always been to lose myself in a different virtual reality world. I can control everything, life however isn’t like that. Although I do dictate my path it’s just hard to stay on track of it. As much as I change mentally and physically. My emotions keep me quiet.
I’m screaming on the inside. Of this pain. This mind of loneliness I can’t run from.I hardly feel joy and when I do it’s a sheer moment. I can’t express who iam and I can’t even began to realize who iam. I’m just in the midst of it I guess.
But I keep,keeping on. Hoping for peace.
Distractions and placing myself in a positive environment is something I desperately need. I’ve succumbed to it. I’m just so use to it. My escape isn’t working anymore. I’m just in a place of uncertainty. In this rambling thoughts of words I’m not happy with trying anymore.
Energy is at an all time low. Pessimism and wasting my time I’m great at.
I’m wanting to achieve and strive. But this thing called abuse. The thing I can’t speak of. Grabs hold of me. My personality shifts and relationships are harder to maintain than myself. To the naked eye I’m just like anyone else. But that’s what hurts. Iam, I’m just this guy with a childhood like so many others. Against the odds. The story of mine I forget just to get by. It’s what made me and broke me. Imagine having so much pain, but realizing your pain wasn’t even suppose to happen. Being told from parents it wasn’t a big deal. To have been told your acting like a “preacher” my confidence was shot down at an early age. And I still listen to the same ones that hurt and betrayed me, relying on them as a man. I’m use to the mind games and tricks. Im tired of trying.