Same Shit another Day-Triggers Maybe

[kaceechase]

I am 40 yo and still Live with My parents. In Fact i have never left. I was adopted at 3 months old and was abused by my uncle when i was 5. then everything began falling into place. I got the childish notion that i could be sent back to the orphange so I didn't rock the boat. And I Just knew that if they knew i was Damaged goods and Gay I would be sent away so I didnt tell and hid it well inside a fragmented mind.

Then 15years ago My recovery began and I have had to do it mostly by myself or with low end therapist from time to time.

my point!

I am still trying to get my Mother to believe I was Molested by her sisters Husband. when I tell her I get blank stares or anger at saying how shitty of a parent she was (even when i dont say that) I get Mocking "You Mean to tell me that a full grown adult told a child he wouldn't be believed" with her hand waving in the air. trust me it was mocking.

so I tried again tonight to let her in and hope she would care enough to care. while I told her about MS and Jakes passing and How I met great guys on here the only thing she could think to ask was "Did He Die Of AIDS" Thats it-She was more concern with how he died than what he did for so many or how I felt or How any of this was making me feel.

She began mocking me again the same way and I felt raped By Her. FUCK IT I FELT RAPED BY WHAT SHE DID AND DIDNT DO. I FEEL THE SAME SHITTY WAY I REALIZED WHAT MY UNCLE DID TO ME-SHE STILL THINK I MADE THIS ALL UP-SHE STILL THINKS I AM JUST A FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT THAT LIES FOR ATTENTION AND FUCK IT ALL.

I AM TOO SCARED TO LEAVE BECUASE IF A MOTHER CAN'T LOVE HER SON THAT SHE CHOSE TO BE HERE WHO CAN?
SO HERES I WAS ABANDONDED BY MY BIRTH MOM AND MOLESTED BY MY UNCLE AND RAPED OVER BY MY MOM AND VERBALY AND EMOTIONALLY RIPPED APART BY MY DAD, THE RAGEAHOLIC ALL MY LIFE.

AND THERE WERE NEIGHBOR MEN THAT ALSO ENJOYED THE FUN OF ABUSING ME AS WELL. A FAT DRUNK OF A FATHER TO A FRIEND OF MINE THAT LAYED ME ONTOP OF HIS SON, MY FRIEND AND MASTERBATED IN THE CORNER WATCHING US..FUCKED UP SHIT.

AND A NEIGHBOR BOY THAT WAS THE OLDER KID THAT WAS MY HERO-I WORSHIPED HIM AND WAITED FOR HIM TO GET HOME FROM SCHOOL AND ALL AND THEN ONE DAY HE ASKED ME TO GET MY OTHER FRIEND--MY AGE ACROSS THE STREET AND BRING HIM OVER. SO I DID AND THEN I SAW THEM IN HIS ROOM.. MY FRIEND WAS SUCKING MY HERO AND ALL I COULD THINK WAS I WAS JEALOUS IT WASN'T ME--I WAS JEALOUS THAT MY FRIEND GOT TO DO THIS AND NOT ME--HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT--BTW WE WERE PROBABLY 5 AND HE WAS ABOUT 10 YEARS OLDER

NOW I CANT KEEP A JOB--I CAN'T LEAVE THE QUICKSAND OF MY FAMILY AND I CAN'T FIND THE WHATEVER TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. AND I FEEL LIKE I AM JUST WASTING YOUR TIME BY READING THIS. AS MUCH AS EVERYONE HAS HELPED ME I STILL FEEL LIKE I CAN'T ASK FOR HELP. I STILL FEEL LIKE I DONT DESERVE IT. LIKE THIS IS ALL JUST A FUCKING JOKE THAT GOD OR WHATEVER IS PLAYING ON ME. THEN I READ SOMEONES STORY THAT HAD IT A HELL OF A LOT WORSE THAN I DID OR DO AND I THINK OH SHIT DONT BITCH--BE GRATEFUL--DONT COMPLAIN--I FEEL TRAPPED THAT I DIDNT HAVE IT WORSE. I KNOW EVERYTHING YOU ARE THINKING LOGICALLY--I KNOW IT IN MY MIND BUT MY SOUL IS CRUSHED AND JUST FEELS HELPLESS.

IF MY MOTHER CAN'T LOVE ME WHO THE FUCK CAN. I FELL UNL;OVEABLE COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY. I KNOW I AM LIKED I CAN FAKE THAT BUT LOVED I DONT FEEL

SRY

 

[blueelectron9]

I've had to come to learn that my mother was incapable of loving me and therefore never had. That was a hard pill to swallow, but I had an easier time letting her go because she was my perp. All that anger towards her turned to hate very quickly. I'm trying to learn how to not turn it against myself, which is something I learned from my father.

AS MUCH AS EVERYONE HAS HELPED ME I STILL FEEL LIKE I CAN'T ASK FOR HELP. I STILL FEEL LIKE I DONT DESERVE IT.

I tend to find my own ways of healing, but my therapist gives many good ideas that are helpful to reparent my little ones.

The rock group Faith No More has a song called "Helpless" on their album Album of the Year. I have a real problem crying because my dad would keep beating me until I stopped crying--but he wouldn't stop. He liked to escalate and get progressively meaner the quieter I got. I'd start getting whipped harder and harder while his face was a bright, raging purple-blue frothing fuck shit fuck head of a fuck fuck.

Anyway, it's a great song.

Grrrrrrrrr. I'm sorry this is so hard for you. Sounds like you have a lot of wisdom.

Peace,
Scar

 

[sophiesdad]

kaceechase:

Please don't feel like you're wasting anyone's time. That's why this very site exists - for us to help each other, vent, rage, and eventually, heal.

Don't allow yourself to be pulled into that societal trap that we have to love our mothers. Just because they gave birth to us doesn't mean that they have the ability to love us or that we owe them anything. My mother was a self-centered, maniaical bitch who verbally abused me, beat me on a daily basis and committed sexual incest by making me her surrogate husband. This is not a woman who is capable of loving a child and respecting his boundaries. When I finally wrote a letter to my family, my father and I reconciled (he was emotionally absent), but she went to her grave not speaking to me.

It sounds to me like you can talk to your mother until you are blue in the face and you're not going to change her. We can't make anyone change unless they are willing to change.

If I were in your situation, I would try to set up small goals one at a time. My first and most important one would be to get out of that house. It sounds like a toxic environment and one that makes significant healing difficult. As long as we are mired in the muck of a screwed up family, it takes 10 times the amount of energy to recover than if we were out on our own. I don't know if you've ever seen any of John Bradshaw's tapes, but he uses a great model of a mobile to represent the family. It is a delicate balance. When one member tries to start recovery the mobile is pushed. Immediately all of the other members try their hardest to regain the dysfunctional balance.

People are resistent to change and we tend to stick to the familiar even if it is unhealthy and counterproductive to our healing.

I'm no expert nor am I a therapist, but the sooner that you can "cut the umbilical cord" and get out of that house, the easier it will be to start your journey of healing. It's not impossible to do so while living there, but it makes it a great deal harder.

What happened to you was not your fault.... something is very wrong when a 5 year old is wishing to perform sexual acts - it's a definite sign that you were exposed to things that were inappropriate and abusive. People talk about forgiveness in healing - and the first person to forgive is yourself. We tend to blame ourselves and say, "What did I do to bring this on? It is my fault that I was abused." It is absolutely critical that we are able to step back and look at our lives objectively and realize that we were not at fault.

Please feel free to PM me if you have questions that you don't feel comfortable sharing in a public forum.

Finally, keep posting here - it's one of the best things that you can do for yourself. And, you are never wasting anyone's time - this is a great place to explore your feelings and express yourself in a relatively safe and anonymous place. And, if you can, continue with a therapist. It is very difficult to do this whole process alone or just with a support group. There are people who HAVE done it this way, but it sure makes it easier to have a professional on your side who can look at your life objectively and guide you along the path of healing.

SD