Safety issues whenever I do too much

Safety issues whenever I do too much
F

ForeverFighting

Registrant
The voice in my head says over and over, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." I see "perp" in every man that looks at me. A man looked at me too many times at lunch. Today all men are out to get me. A handshake, and I feel like I need to wash. It's like everybody and everything is too close. Like they're going to hurt me. I need my support group, but if feels like if anyone in my support system had the chance, they'd take advantage of me, too, somehow. It's a complete safety overload.

I went on vacation last week and it was non-stop social, people everywhere, having to do things at all hours of the day and evening, getting up early, rushing to breakfast to get to someplace by some time. Then it's hurry to lunch with ten people in a crowd of people all hot and smelly, then off to someplace else, then rush to dinner where it's noisy with more people, then someplace else and back to the hotel by 11. And if I feel one more person look at me or if I smell anything that smells like people or if anybody treats me like I'm supposed to be something I'm not, I'm going to break. I know my own rules. Don't do too much. Go back to the room. "Oh, we've got small beds, so our daughter is going to stay with you and your wife in your room. She'll be up in a little." But... Too late.

And now today, my coworker is complaining that the hospital isn't treating her poor sick daughter the way they're supposed to, it's too hot in my office, people are whining and complaining, and then I have a meeting to go to tonight. A young guy wants to check his billing statement, but my mind says he wants me, and I just want him to get away from me. And my support group is all out of town somewhere or not available, my friend whom I used to rely on has lost the need for our supportive relationship. I'm starting to have thoughts. The old voice wanting the porn and the MB, but I know there are better and safer ways to help my insides. I will not give in and let the boy inside be hurt anymore.

How do I get past today? I need safety, space, a friendly voice I can trust. But the rat race keeps going. I need help today.
 
Hang in there. You can do it. They are just ghosts of a way you used to be, they are not who you are now. When taking it one day at a time doesn't make it, close your eyes and imagine you are someplace else, somewhere safe (green mountain and cool clear blue water flowing by in a stream always do it for me). Take that image to make it through THAT moment of impulse. and if you don't make it, remember you can always stop a relapse and it is not your fault.

Peace, my friend.
 
You are so helpful. Thank you. I made it through yesterday. I don't know how. I don't know why I was feeling so "about to be raped".

I think I've mentioned this 14-year-old boy that's part of my "chosen family". He's a good kid who idolizes me. I get a haircut, and he gets a haircut. But he's grown about a foot this last year and he's getting more "man" characteristics. He's hit the big clumsy stage, but he's still got the selfish child mentality. I told my wife that I was surprised to learn that my dad and a 14-year-old have so much in common, and that may be the problem. I see so much of my selfish, slob, invasive, no boundaries dad in this teenage boy. And this boy doesn't realize anything has changed, so he's always about 2 feet too close to me and I'm always pushing him away (literally), trying to explain to him about "personal space". He's also at the stage where he knows about deodorant, but he doesn't remember to use it, so he's got this smell that just sends me over the top. So this big smelly childlike guy like my dad is coming at me, and I'm running away. And he can't figure out why. I kind of feel sorry for him. Anyway, he spent the whole vacation about 6 inches from me. That didn't help. Then add all that other stuff going on, and I just wanted to not exist anymore. It comes and goes. Thankfully, it's less today. I'm coming up on 7 weeks free of porn and reeanacting the abuse. I really didn't want to start over. REALLY didn't want to start over. Sometimes it seems so tempting to just give in and it will feel so good and I can just leave this world and feel in control again. But I know what tomorrow brings. It wants more. And more. And then the little boy in me is feeling SA all over again, and I never want him to feel that. I must keep myself safe.

Thank you SO much for your help, your notes, and your concern. This fight is crazy! It comes back when I least expect it! You're a good man, Cement. We'll make it, won't we? Thank you,
 
if anybody treats me like I'm supposed to be something I'm not, I'm going to break.
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Whoa, that hit a note with me.
People keep telling me, I should do this, or I should do that, like I dont have my own mind!

I too detest this rat race World, but we all have to just put up with it.

You will get through, you always did,

take care of YOU,

ste
 
Forever Fighting,

Really glad u are doing better today. :)

Doesn't sound much like a restful vacation to me at all. So much going on at one time and all those people and those thoughts about others staring etc... u made it in one piece, gotta give u alot of credit 4 hanging in there. I am a little late in posting to u, but I am going to send u a PM to talk more.

Healing_Inside
 
Thank god I dont have to party (wildly) now but I know exactly how you feel towards anyone, people being nice to me and treating me like a human being must want something from me. I have continuously asked my "adopted mum" "why are you helping me"? Her family took me in off the street when homeless and drinking/using that was during the mid eighties, today I call her "Mum" and the reason she wanted to help was her Christian beliefs ... No hidden costs. She is supporting me still today as I may have another trial to attend. I have no conventional faith but I do have faith in my "Mum".


Kirk
 
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