safety ,is it worth it?

[shadowkid]

i guess to some degree we all have isolated ourselves from the world in our attempts to feel safe. i shut out everybody which i guess is why i have no friends ,yes i know people and we speak on the street ,but friends ? people i can trust? no. the worst thing that my life did to me was make me feel alone ,truely alone ,the blackness of alone,as a kid i was so afraid i would be alone forever . but since i been able to choose for myself i have chose to be alone! my worst fear has become my way of living . some guys that i worked with came over and we talked ,really talked ,i never talked to them before other than work stuff ,but they were real nice and upset cause i lost my job,then they started saying things i was not ready for ,things like adam your a good kid ,and you always pulled your weight at work ,sometimes doing more than the older guys .and if i wanted them too the would walk off the job ,if it could help get my job back ,these are guys with families to support. they liked me! they didnt think i was this strange guy at work who never talked . how m,any times they invited me to their homes ,but i never went ,figured they had to ask me just to be polite. we got pretty drunk and i felt like i should explain a little about why i wasnt gonna fight loosing my job ,so i told them that i had some problems from my past that i was going to get help for so i need the time to do that . these guys all grew up here some with my brother,and one of them said ,well shit adam after what they did to you when your brother died its no wonder you got problems! it caught me off guard ,and i was like huh? you remember that? he said remember? ,adam what they did to you was wrong dude so wrong .shit half the town was out looking for you after you ran that day ,but your dad didnt seem to care at all! then he said , your dad told my dad you did it on purpose.that was cold adam we knew you didnt hell you and jimmy were like attached at the hip! finally somebody said it wasnt right !somebody who knew what happend and he was on my side! also one of the girls who worked in the office called me and told me that she prayed for me every day!i asked her why she did that ,and she said that she knew there was stuff in my life that was hurting me ,and she worried about me!my point to this ramble is that in my attempt to make myself safe i been shutting out the one thing i need the most other people , did what happend to us make us so afraid that we create our own lonely place to live in ? but i keep learning stuff ,but its always too late ,i'wont be working with these people but if i had let them in i could have had friends ,but i could also have got hurt ! i do believe that at this time i am my own worst enemy,but i got to be safe!! i'm still living with what happened the last time i let the walls down ,i cant take another hurt that lasts foprever. is it worth it to feel safe? is it even safe i feel ?or am i safe just because i'm alone. adam

 

[Jaysen]

I think it's worth it to take a chance at being hurt. Being alone sucks, my opinion only. And hell after all the hurt you already been through I'm confident that if you did get hurt again, you could take it. I mean there's not much more that anyone could do. That's how I look at it anyway. I mean keeping yourself safe is important too. I guess it depends on the people and the situation. I don't know, I don't like this question lol.
It's not too late, you can still be friends with these people right? You might have never even really spoken with them if you still worked with them.... all happens for a reason right?

 

[reality2k4]

Adam,

I feel just like you, let the barriers down, and everyone walks in, thanks for reminding me.
These guys from work were great, but you must tell them it is hard to trust people even if they are the best friends you could ever need.

Keeping your mind safe is the one issue you need right now, but you need to know that the little guy is safe now, nobody can or will hurt him.

I guess if you met a guy from this place, it would be so much better for you to relate your past and make true friends.

One thing you found out, is that you and Jimmy were like twins, so guess it was never your fault that he died, what loving child would want that!

Jimmy does not want you to grieve his loss, and he will never blame you, but others did, and they are the ones who carry that guilt.

I guess you lost a 'twin' brother, and how hard is that when you are little, then watch your family self-destruct through what happened!

Is it any wonder that you are carrying all the blame for an issue that was totally out of your control! Remember it like it is, the little boy who had to be a man so young.

That is how I feel,

ste

 

[roadrunner]

Adam,

We all need to keep safe, it's just a matter of how we do it. In my opinion you aren't asking is it worth it to keep safe; you're asking is it worth it to keep safe by shutting everyone out.

The answer to that question has to be no, it isn't worth it at all. What's life worth if we're going to live it in a fortress surrounded by danger? Not real danger, but danger we imagine based on what happened to us as kids.

The real question is this Adam: How can I keep safe BOUNDARIES? A very wise man here once told me: "It's all about boundaries." At first I thought huh?, but now I know what he means.

We have to learn so many things all over again, bro: how to trust ourselves, how to recognize what we need, how to ASK for what we need, how to accept help, how to recognize safe people, and so on. All of that is about boundaries, and all of it's also about risk.

Everyone takes risks all the time, and of course they face consequences if the risks they take are unwise ones. But survivors know how terrible those consequences can get, and they know how real they are. So our temptation is to retreat from risk and therefore also from life, love, joy, fulfillment, and anything that has meaning in life. Surely that's no way to be.

I think success in rebuilding our ability to take risks and set safe boundaries lies in moving forward in small steps. Stick with safe people, in so far as we can identify them, and see how it goes. We need to understand that if something goes wrong, that too can be a part of life and not proof that we are in danger all the time and from every direction.

In my own experience this has been one of the areas where I have really relied upon my T. In a way, it was like a near-drowned kid relearning as an adult that swimming can be fun again. The trick was to move into the water bit by bit from the shallow end, and not to jump bravely into the deep end and hope for the best.

Much love,
Larry

 

[kuurt]

dude, you can still be friends with those guys! when you get back from getting help, and if you are feeling confident enough, you could reach out and call them and hang out with them again. they reached out to you and came over to your house because they wanted to hang out with a guy they think is cool.
they liked you and they could be your friends if you want them to be. i know it's scary to think of letting down guard enough to accept a friend...but it seems possible...and these guys seem like they might be good people.

 

[Derdlecar]

Adam,

Alone = pain. That does not sound safe to me.

Not alone = risk of pain. Not safe but but I think that the risk of pain is better than having pain as a sure thing.

Because this is also true:

Not alone = chance of receiving Love, Friends, Happiness and many other good things.

My conclusion:

Not alone = Risk worth taking

Love ya

Darrel