Sadness

[riviera]

Hi

My boyfriend started his recovery process last March. We have gone trough a lot. Lately he has been feeling terribly sad. Curiously it was anger before. But time and talking helped to uncover what the anger was about. It was about sadness, despair and loss. He has talked about it a lot. Yesterday he preferred not to. And I must confess that I felt rejected. After great holidays together I took it as if being back to work and routine is bringing all this again.

Everytime I see him sad (as he used to be so happy and extrovert) I feel so down as I want to help but I know I cannot change his mood. In fact is good that he feels this way as grief and sadness must be experienced and the feelings must be shared with someone in order to move forward. It is the key phase to achieve healing. See this article https://movingforward.org/v3n2-cover.html

Very little is talked about intense sadness in this forum. Have you ever had periods of absolute sadness as a consequence of CSA? If so, how did things change? How do you think your partner can help you to overcome the sadness? If you are a partner of a CSA, what have you done to help your loved one?

Thanks
XXX
H

 

[andrew76]

Riviera,

I know your wondering why sadness is not really touched on,many men or survivors don't want to talk about what they are feeling in regard to the csa or also loss that happened in conjunction with the csa.I know you felt rejected however,know that your boyfriend probably needs space in order to process what he is thinking and feeling.I know for myself I tend to revert and not talk even though on the boards I open up sometimes for me it hurts too much and at times I need to be left alone to focus on whatever the issue might be at that time and then when I am ready I usually open up.It is not easy for a survivor to open up especially if this survivor has faced deep loss during the time of being csa or also during the time of recovery as I can speak to this first hand.

Know that your boyfriend is facing his inner person and most inner thoughts and feelings he may need time to face these issues I know sometimes I don't talk with the ones I love in order to shield them and protect them from certain things that are very graphic or situations that I feel they don't need to know about.If this manuvuer seems selfish it might be however,for some survivors they feel as if their own loved ones don't need to live through the pain that the survivor has had to endure unless the survivor deems that the person they tell needs to know or that they are close to the survivor and the survivor can trust the open disclosure.I will pm you with further private details of my story to help you understand.

 

[andrew76]

Riviera,

I have had all night last night and all day today to think about your vector and for me I was abused as an infant then taken away by child protective services and placed for adoption at one moth old and my adopted father sexually and physically abused me and I really had no one to tell. My adopted mother died in 1985 of MS so that was my first loss that caused me to shut in.During the time of my abuse my father remarried and my stepmother had a daughter and I as well had an adopted brother and the abuse went on for years and the reason why I could not tell anyone was because my father told me if I ever told he would kill me which I believed as he had a military service background so I told no one and as things progressed with this marriage my father started to abuse my stepsister along with my adopted brother and myself.Child protective services stepped in again and took us away from our home and placed us in foster care and my father went to prison and now is on a registered sex offender list here in Florida.My second loss was loosing my home ties(father,mother,sister,brother)child protective services would not allow anyone to take us and I grew up the rest of my childhood and teenage years in foster homes and group homes until I became a legal adult.My brother went to other group homes and foster homes as well so I lost him to that and then later on I lost him to vehicular homicide and he passed away and he was younger then I was.I lost my stepsister to my mother and her other father and never saw her again until years later.I have also lost all my grandparents as well and have had to take over in regards to funeral arraingments as well as my grandmothers could not handle those matters.There have been as you can see many losses and hurts that I have had to endure which has not been easy and also has contributed to me closing in and not talking about my abuse nor the deep emotions and feelings behind my walls.

Another loss that has taken place in my life which not too many people know about is a great friend and then a fiancee of mine that was about four months pregnant was taken from me in an auto accident that we were in together which has been very hard to handle for me and just recently within the last month have had to relive and now I am trying to endure.

How a loved one can help in regard to helping with the sadness is to be there for the person going thru the deep sadness and despair and depression.I have found having a person I can whole heartedly trust be able to be there and just listen helps more then to try and pry open a fresh or even an old wound from the past.When the person is ready it is up to them to be able to decide to open up and share what is on their mind and heart.I know it is not easy having to sit back and feel helpless in regard to helping your significant other but please trust me when I say he probably loves you more then you realize but he is trying to sort out in his own mind and heart what he feels and thinks about what he has gone thru and where he is in regards to the relationship the two of you have and the committment as it is not easy for a survivor just to jump into a relationship with another person it takes a good amount of time and trust to open up and to love a person.

Thanks for the PM it helps to know and it is helping me to understand some things that I am not realizing within myself.I am sacred of a lot of things right now and I almost feel like I must push myself to decide many things going thru my own mind and heart.I am dealing with many situations that honestly I am having a very hard time coping with and enduring through,I really don't know how you are reading between lines that I myself can't even fathom I feel all alone in many issues right now and no clear definitive answers thanks for letting me know that you can see some things within myself.

Take care,
XXX
Andrew