Sadness over right decision

Sadness over right decision
K

kcinohio

Registrant
Quite a while back made decision regarding limiting family contact. Thinking was that if it had never gone well in adult life, that probably wasn't going to change given the topics of contention.

Years later and I'm doing better and overall feeling better than was before - confirming that not only was I not getting support with traditional family relationships, but they were really bumping up against my CSA recovery and related issues. While I'm glad for things being better and weighing the evidence afterward confirms it was a right decision, my feelings about it are also tinged with a layer of sadness. I did get more of the right support without than with that contact as before. Though I sensed it was like that, having that clearcut experience has a couple of edges to it. The family contact was like quicksand dragging me down to a death, rather than the embracing support it tried to look like. With distance, things got better.

Part of my recent recovery work centered on my making excuses for others' behavior and choices. I need to accept others' behavior without having to make out that it's all okay because of some convoluted excuse I made up for them. Sometimes others' behavior isn't okay (as most on MS intuitively know, but I'm a slow learner about grasping some basic things sometimes.) What I need to be is able to accept that reality without having to exonerate it for everybody. And I still don't quite understand why that is so challenging for me.

I want to conclude with some helpful insight on this, but this is a subject where I need to continue to learn.
 
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Just keep doing what makes you feel safe and strong. It is time to think about you. Keep healthy my friend :)
 
I had to let my dad go. He was a bat shit crazy bastard.

I wanted to be normal. I wanted him to be normal. I wanted to be able to count on him.

But it was not the case. I had to accept life on life's terms, as the saying goes. And as you mentioned, getting the disruptive influence out f my life, and dropping the fantasy idea of being normal.... I got better.

It s like giving up on being normal has let me find an alternate path to getting there.

Best wishes on your recovery. It does get better, for me it was just a different path to the desired destination.
 
On The Fringe,

Sounds like we had the same father, who knew?

At 22, (when I started dealing with my past) he told me I should just be quiet about my CSA. "Just deal with it and move on! No one else needs to know this crap." So I cut ties, changed my name, and adopted my Stepdad. Don't get me wrong, I do love my bio-father. When he took me in, I have no doubt he saved my life. But sometimes biology is NOT the best choice for deciding parenting issues. My Stepdad was by far the better FATHER.



KC,

Do what YOU need to recover. I too had to go through the family tree and do some pruning and grafting. That second part, grafting in a supporting network of friends, I found far more difficult.

Stay well!
 
Hi KC,

I divorced my entire family of origin at age 53. That was almost 12 years ago. Very sick family. At 53 I had just begun to remember sexual abuse from my father, and it's taken another 11 years to begin to feel the regular physical violence as well as the sexual physical violence. It took me until last spring to remember the sexual abuse, physical abuse and torture from my mother.

I have come to understand that the trauma caused me to create a severe alteration of my ability to feel, and of my ability to see reality. My young self felt impending psychic death if I continued to feel what it was like to be in relationship and dependent on my parents. I had to be able to completely suppress my feelings, and be able to rewrite reality to reflect a reality where I could project love and ok-ness in a situation that was definitely not loving and not ok. And, I developed a dependency on this rewrite. So, my 64 years have been spent recreating the scene of the crime--not physically, but psychologically. I am only now, nearly 12 years after divorcing my family of origin, beginning to see possibilities of an intact me. Not there yet, but I would never have had a chance had I not taken the courageous step of leaving that poisonous situation. My entire family system is fucked up beyond my ability to participate. Leaving it was the healthiest move I could have made.

No regrets.

Don
 
I understand where you are coming from on this issue. In order to heal we need to feel safe and when our environment is the opposite it only reinforces the negative thoughts we have of ourselves. Family and/or friends can greatly impact how we heal. Like you I had obstacles in my family, some ostracized me but in the end it was right for me to be separated from them. Their actions and words were triggering the past and hampering my healing. Doctors and T told me to get away from that environment a long time ago because it was destructive. I did not leave until 8 months ago. But once I did, my healing took traction. At the same time I only surrounded myself with positive people--and I have learned we become a product of the environment. I may be an outcast to some in the family, but clearly I have learned my healing would not have occurred if I had remained under the control of their words and actions--which they believe are normal, sane and not destructive or hurtful. Doctors, T and members of support groups were troubled I remained and feared something horrible would happen to me because of what I lived with and without. Now all see a different person, a happy and controlled person who is not fearful to return to where I live. At my last SNAP meeting a woman who had not been there for some time remarked out of no where as I spoke, you have changed I am envious you talk, look and act so "happy", you must have moved out your house. I smiled and said why, she said no one could live.................

Being away from the family was a blessing in disguise, not my doing. A void is there, but feeling "human", whole is far more important. I have people who are wonderful to me and they fill parts of the family void. But everyone says the family needs to come to terms with CSA, what happened in dissociative states and episodes and most importantly the causes of these states. Until then, I should stay away--and I am as are they from me. Hopefully over time all come to an understanding.

I hold no grudges, hate or spite--through therapy I have learned these attitudes and feelings only damage our inner self and holds us back from living. People I know in 12 step programs have told me they have learned one should not judge others but rather take a step back and learn to replace judgment with attitudes of mercy and forgiveness. I have also learned the importance of giving to others on their road to recovery, the rewards of giving outweigh receiving. I have a child in recovery who attends support groups and hopefully the lessons I have learned in support from people in 12 step programs gives the child insights I have learned and are being accepted and understood so they can heal.

Sometimes what is right seems so wrong, but you need to live and not be trapped, pushed back or held captive to the past abuse. We learn as we grow and heal.

Good luck

Kevin
 
Hi Kevin,

I'm glad you have so much support in your life. I have recently come to understand that I have been addicted to abusive patterns. It was all I knew, and it was what I was forced to wrap my thinking around at a very early age. Though I divorced my family nearly 12 years ago, it has taken nearly 12 years for me to withdraw from the thinking that kept abusive patterns alive in my life. I had thinking patterns that kept me trapped. I kept recreating situations similar to my family of origin--getting involved in situations where I was not seen or valued. As soon as I became aware of my pattern was when I began able to heal from it. AA was a stepping stone for me in becoming conscious. And, I'm still in the process 21 years later, just peeling away deeper layers of the same onion. I have been a slow learner. For me, I spent so many years in what seemed right was so wrong for me.


Don
 
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Hello Don

Thank you. I have been blessed with meeting wonderful people. I have learned much from so many here at MS. I see and feel their compassion, their pain, struggles and fight to heal. For me learning people you love may have loved when you gave but once support or help is needed by you, they retreat. For me I can not change them nor did I wish to change them. Only they can look at their lives as I have over the past three years as I began to heal.

I came to realize and have known this for a long time. Generosity is giving without expectations of reward or recognition. I have lived amongst many who did much but had the need to tell their deeds and when the deeds were not recognized they turned on the person or organization that did not recognize. These people were also the first to tear people to the ground and run from them in their time of need. Sadly many praise these people for kindness. I have learned from therapy and support many of these people lack their own self esteem from a sense of loss of love as a child they need praise and only do the acts for the praise. I have learned gifts are not generosity if done to be recognized because it does not come from the heart. I accept their acts and believe they are doing the best they can. And more importantly I do not turn my back on them nor feel the need to destroy them as they so many times have done to others. They are like us, struggling with their own issues or demons.

This past weekend I learned true generosity--Sunday was 17 years since my brother Brian passed. It has been difficult as I heal for I feel a sense of guilt that the priest may have harmed him because of my silence. He died broken and looking for life. He had been to AA and rehab but the demons were so strong.

I will not go into details but this wonderful woman did something to honor Brian this weekend, and she had never met him. She is a true giver, never speaks of what she does, nor does she expect anything other than a smile or for the person to give to someone else. It helped me through the day and gives honor to his death--giving to those who suffered like he may have suffered will not be forgotten but loved for they suffered like most will never know.

I am so happy of your progress. It takes time, learning from the patterns that hold us back. AA and your ability to embrace gives purpose in life. The process of life, recovery and healing is a lifetime challenge. Changing how we think and believe is so important and you are doing it--you have done it for 21 years and you should be proud of this accomplishment--I am for you.

I know you are on the right path and once you are ready you will meet people who will give you the intimate support you need and you will give them the same.

Don, keep going.

Kevin
 
KMCINVA said:
Hello Don

Thank you. I have been blessed with meeting wonderful people. I have learned much from so many here at MS. I see and feel their compassion, their pain, struggles and fight to heal. For me learning people you love may have loved when you gave but once support or help is needed by you, they retreat. For me I can not change them nor did I wish to change them. Only they can look at their lives as I have over the past three years as I began to heal.

I came to realize and have known this for a long time. Generosity is giving without expectations of reward or recognition. I have lived amongst many who did much but had the need to tell their deeds and when the deeds were not recognized they turned on the person or organization that did not recognize. These people were also the first to tear people to the ground and run from them in their time of need. Sadly many praise these people for kindness. I have learned from therapy and support many of these people lack their own self esteem from a sense of loss of love as a child they need praise and only do the acts for the praise. I have learned gifts are not generosity if done to be recognized because it does not come from the heart. I accept their acts and believe they are doing the best they can. And more importantly I do not turn my back on them nor feel the need to destroy them as they so many times have done to others. They are like us, struggling with their own issues or demons.

This past weekend I learned true generosity--Sunday was 17 years since my brother Brian passed. It has been difficult as I heal for I feel a sense of guilt that the priest may have harmed him because of my silence. He died broken and looking for life. He had been to AA and rehab but the demons were so strong.

I will not go into details but this wonderful woman did something to honor Brian this weekend, and she had never met him. She is a true giver, never speaks of what she does, nor does she expect anything other than a smile or for the person to give to someone else. It helped me through the day and gives honor to his death--giving to those who suffered like he may have suffered will not be forgotten but loved for they suffered like most will never know.

I am so happy of your progress. It takes time, learning from the patterns that hold us back. AA and your ability to embrace gives purpose in life. The process of life, recovery and healing is a lifetime challenge. Changing how we think and believe is so important and you are doing it--you have done it for 21 years and you should be proud of this accomplishment--I am for you.

I know you are on the right path and once you are ready you will meet people who will give you the intimate support you need and you will give them the same.

Don, keep going.

Kevin
Click to expand...

This is really beautiful.
 
Thanks Kevin. Loving without need is something I aspire to. It is becoming easier as I heal the damaged infant and child in me and am feeling safer in my own skin. Now, on to discernment. Don
 
Hi kcinohio,

I have just read your post for the third time. It has been an area of difficulty my entire life. And, I have had some difficulty coming to a direct response. Triggers anyone??? But, here goes. For me, I was so damaged so early that I completely dissociated from my feelings. If I couldn't feel I could pretend my parents were ok. Not true. So, I have spent my life with my feelings shut down on my own behalf and hyper aware regarding all others.

Since my early programming said if I don't stay with my abusers I will die, it made discernment impossible. So, decades of aggressive dependency where I symbolically continuously shook significant others--hell, all others--saying "see me, value me, love me."

In my forties I began only intellectually asking myself the question, "Why would I want someone to be different than who they are?" It would be almost another 20 years before I would understand actually what I was asking. I stayed stuck in my infant and early abusive energy, continuously recreated it psychologically, continuously was drawn like a moth to flame to people who simply did not possess a level of sensitivity I require in my life. I have only in the past few months gained real clarity with this, and am not yet strong enough to take it out in the world.

I have continuously hooked up with people who were unable to see me, value me, love me. Within the past 48 hours I have finally been able to work down to the feeling level of my infant self. Somewhere in my introspective process over the past 12 years I have cleared enough rage, surfaced enough memories, learned enough personal skills to be able now to reparent my early damaged selves myself. So, even though very new, I'm having memories/dreams surface from my past that are very unpleasant for me--there are many--am able to communicate patience, understanding, love, forgiveness, and acceptance to these earlier versions of myself and feel some peacefulness coming into myself. This is a first for me, and seems a direct response of me finally being able to hold my infant self in safety, again a first.

I know this is long and wordy, but for me it is a very complex issue. So, for me, the reason I kept explaining away others' behaviors was because it was all I knew, and it was written in very deep as a result of abuse and a very toxic family of origin. It has taken me almost 65 years to move through this topic. I believe it will take two things from me to take this successfully into the world of people: 1)my own self worth will have to increase--I feel this will be automatic as I continue to provide my infant self with a safe environment to grow in, and believe I will continue to experience the benefits of not remaining in flight or fight mode 24/7, and 2) I will have to experience for the first time what discernment means for me. Everything going forward from this feels like it will be new.

Please ignore any or all of this if it isn't relevant to how you are feeling.

Sending you love and good will,

Don
 
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