saddled w/ sex *trigger*

saddled w/ sex *trigger*
P

phoster

Registrant
I honestly thought I had grown beyond all this. It felt like I had the tools and abilities to step away from the therapy and recovery, and to finally live happily. I was wrong.

After Mat molested me, I continued acting out. I would pass on the game he taught me to my friends; Jean, Cheryl, Donny, Michele. Before I even understood anything beyond it felt good and was fun, I had been sexually acting out for years.

Lets face it, how many of us can stop being sexual? I couldnt stop, but I expected myself to, and when I couldnt, I began hating myself, and seeing myself as sick and perverted. This great idea came to me, if I made sex unpleasant enough I wouldnt want it, so I began punishing myself sexually. The only problem was that I liked that too, and then I felt really sick.

I have opened my mind, body and soul up to things that I shouldnt have. Now, I am left to live with it, and God help me, Ill be damned if I can figure it out. I realize that life is going to be a matter or denying myself and hanging on from here on out. I will never be fulfilled and happy at least in sexual terms. I have realized the problem isnt my wife or any of those I have shared my bed with. The problem, the defect is in me. How on earth do you live like that? Always hungry; always wanting with this huge appetite that never stops? I really dont think you do.

The only way I have found to combat it is to deny myself, remind myself I am where I want to be, and try to hold on to the good things. It helps, but these things never die completely. Every time you let your guard down, it comes back.

I read of these abusers getting a few years in jail, and I just think how lucky they are. A few years, and few of them seem to have any real regret. A few years, and they are truly free, unless they are one of the rare ones that actually has a conscience. They are free, and I live with this every day. I will never be totally happy with my wife, or anyone for that matter. She too pays the price, as she struggles with knowing she isnt enough for me, and never will be. We can be happy in every other way, and this still lies beneath, testing us, testing me.

Thank God I have therapy in the morning.
 
Phoster,

You have posted a lot of feelings above, and I'm glad you did. By doing that you are laying it all out so you can look at these feelings and work on them. It's like an agenda. Not an agenda you would like to have, granted. But it's the agenda you need to see.

So many of the things you are saying, bro, are FEELINGS but not FACTS. "I am defective." "I will never be happy or fulfilled sexually." "My only choice is to deny myself." All these are the ways you look at yourself now, but it doesn't have to remain like this! If I say "I feel guilty", okay, that's a feeling and it identifies an area where I need work. But if I admit that, I am definitely not admitting, at the same time, that I AM guilty. The two are not the same thing.

Much love,
Larry
 
i agree to a point. i guess in the end, i have exhausted everything i know. the problem is sexuality is unchanging. nothing you can wish, say or do will ever change what atracts and arrouses you. it just does.

defective is maybe not the best word. let's change it to something more possitive, let's say blessed with a huge sexuality. the problem is the label doesnt change what i have to live with every day. no one has done anything to change my sexuality, and nothing i've seen says it is even possible.

let's look at an atraction to men for example. if you are gay. we're saying there isnt really too much we can do about that. fine, but let's say that the world simply wouldnt accept being gay. let's say if you were gay, you would be in jail or killed if you were found out. so you can go on hiding, maybe even get married, but you will never be free of it. inside, part of you will always need to express it and feel it, but you can never actually live it. that is the best way i can explain how i feel. no therapy can ever make a gay man straight. no therapy can ever make me fit into a normal, healthy marriage. does that make any sense?
 
Phoster,

Bro, it makes all the sense in the world! But can I suggest another way to look at this?

Sexuality isn't about appetite or being straight or gay. There are so many possibilities and we are all individuals. I like to think of a healthy sexuality as coming down to an ability to answer yes to these three questions:

1) Am I being totally honest with myself about my sexuality?

2) Am I being responsible in the way I relate sexually with other people?

3) Do I feel fulfilled sexually?

That aside, I agree with you about the issue of being or becoming gay. It is part of who we are, part of our heart and personality.

Much love,
Larry
 
i had to admit i was bi. okay. i can live with that, or can i? see there is a down side to acceptance. once you say something is okay, it means you are now okay with it, and free to experience it and live it. what i am struggling with is that i am married. i want to be true to her and to my family, but it sometimes proves almost impossible as i am drawn to this other life. i keep reminding myself i made a choice, and that i am doing the right thing. i remind myself of my love for her and my kids, but there is this other part that longs to express this other stuff.
 
phoster, you have somehow written my story and my struggles. I'm married, with kids, and the whole thing. I don't want to (nor will I) give up my family for anything, and am living the daily frustrated life of self denial. It's really difficult, with some days being a lot better than others. I see my therapist tomorrow and hope and pray that he's got some magic direction.
 
I too understand these feelings. After my devoice and before I met the woman Im currently married. I tried living a gay/ bi lifestyle; I meet a wonderful man who really cares about me. We are still friends; he respects and understands my feelings. I just didn't feel totally comfortable living the lifestyle, being open about my sexuality; sex wise I could do anything and enjoyed the way it felt, but over wise I just didn't feel right. I had so many fears that I just couldnt be comfortable inside myself.

I feared how others saw me as a father. It just how are world is today, just so judgmental.

I feared losing the love of my two daughters from my first marriage. Which by the way, I have a great relationship still today. We talk every evening, and spend every other weekend together as well they are with us for the summer.

I feared being alone. When I came out about my abuse to my family, I had never felt more alone in my life. I dont want to ever feel the hurt again.

SO, am I living a lie because I'm not living a life that is totally sexually pleasurable to me, because I'm not honest about what turns me on? When my wife and I have sex, I make sure she is pleasured and I climax as well( it doesn't take much). BUT I still long for more, I could go find it, but then I would feel as if I was betraying my marriage. I think it easier to suppressing those feeling then to face the fears.

Know that you are not alone.
 
alan, i am in the same boat. my wife has stuck by me through things no woman should have to endure. i am completely devoted and will spend the rest of my life with her. now i just have to figure out some way to have that life be a happy one.
 
thanks T. acceptance can only go so far. knowing you're doing the right thing helps, but it also isnt completely the answer. if you find one, please share it, and i promise to do the same.
 
Hey guys I have to ask a question here, please do not take it the wrong way I am just trying to figure some things out.

I am completely straight however I have looked at shemales, I found the attractive female looking ones very sexual. I however cant stand anything about the male body. My first experience with sex was the molestation at 9. All I experienced with the man was having him touch me and he made me touch him and later he put it in my mouth and came, now with that said, I feel the reason I am mixed up is because of this experience. I like to think about getting a shemale off like I got him off during the molestation, hell I have had so much trouble trying to please my wife that it drove her away from me, she never got a chance to please me. I love the female body and sex like an addict but I acted out with porn, I was drawn to shemales every once in a while, not always.

My question is, if you are bi or gay were you attracted to men before the molestation took place or directly after. You might have been too young to know, I am just asking. I had a girlfriend in the 4th grade so I know I liked women before the molestation, I have never like men except for the attraction to shemales which did not come until later, in my late 30's that is when I started dealing with the molestation. It is as if I started exploring the attraction to the male penis and pleasing it, not a man. As I worked through it, experienced it with masterbation, in time the desire stopped.

Thanks,
 
John,

I think you will find that our sexuality is already being formed at a very young age and that sexual abuse doesn't have a lot to do in the orientation of that formation, though sure, it can really wreck the stable foundations of sexuality that every boy needs to develop.

Being gay is part of who a boy is; being abused is a cruel and horrific crime committed against him by someone else.

I'd also like to say that I admire the honesty with which you guys are discussing this difficult topic. I hope it helps you find the answers you seek.

Much love,
Larry
 
i cannot speak for others, but my abuse happened when i was five, and at the time it was only a game to me. if given a chance i would act out with boys or girls, and i guess that just stuck. being bi isnt like being gay or straight. if you are definately gay, you have a definate atraction to the same sex, and the same for straight. being bi is on a sliding scale, in my opinion. for example i lean towards women, but certain men do appeal to me. i can't say what atractions i had before the abuse, because i was never given the chance to develope them before it happened.
 
I have a wonderfull wife and kid. They mean the world to me and I have betrayed them by acting out.

I will always love my wife and have never though that we are boring in the bedroom. Yes things do change once you get a child but that happens to everybody.

I am also working through my ideas of why I like looking at the penis. I know that I am not gay and the thought of having a man lying next to me in my bed freaks me out. Which must mean that I want to be in control.

I have still some difficulty in connecting the molestation to my acting out. I belive there is some way that it is connected but have not sorted it out formyself yet. I am working on it though.

All that I know is that my homelife means a lot to me and I know that I have broken my trust with my wife.

All that I can do now is to work on healing myself and the relationship with my wife.
I know that it will not be the same but I hope, trust and believe that we can work through this and came out the other side better people.

Just my thoughts

Jaco
 
As for me, I don't ever recall being interested in girls/women. My interests were usually soft. I liked playing indoors (before I was abused even), I thought girls were luckier than guys, etc. (Vietnam was starting up and in the news constantly . . . 1967-1968, and I was afraid I'd have to go to war.) I like to believe that had I not been abused, I might have grown up as a sensitive man without the sexual baggage I carry around today. Abuse for me was a misdirection of acceptance and attention. Being a 'sissy boy' and having attention from a real popular masuline person met some pretty basic needs. Since the abuse began when I was 9 years old, and progressed through my teens, it undoubtedly had a great affect in my psycho-sexual development.

But growing up in the 60's and 70's, I did not want to be gay, so everything I did, from dating girls, carrying my books properly, and walking manly occupied my time. I was so afraid of being identified as gay, I married when I was 18 years old and joined the military. My first college degree was in automotive maintenance!

Today, I am who I am. I am not necessarily the sissy boy I was when a little child, but rather a fully functioning member of society with a secret ache that needs to be dealt with. Outwardly I've been able to show a different Alan from what I feel like I am inside. But it's the exterior one who makes a living, supports his family and community, etc. He is the one that needs to survive, I feel. The other secret one in me, though, makes things pretty diffult at times, seemingly willing to knock the blocks of my life over that I've so carefully stacked for many, many years.
 
Well, my appointment isnt until tomorrow, but it still gave me a chance to stew on things. What occurs to me is there are things that I might find alluring, but that I avoid because they are illegal. As I study how I see them, they are just off limits and out of bounds. I dont pine for them, and I dont battle with living without them. They are just wrong; simple black and white. For example, I would never abuse a child, not because it wouldnt maybe excite me, but more because in my mind it is just wrong.

This is where the things I struggle with differ, it seems to me. For example the desire to experience another guy or groups. Because they arent illegal, I have this habit of rationalizing them in my mind. In other words, I havent placed them out of bounds, so they remain in the scope of possibility. I have this idea that if I was with the right woman, or in the right place, I could have these things. It is that kind of wishy-washy mentality that allows me to talk myself right into doing things I dont really like on a different level.

For a long time now, to repair my esteem, my doctors have worked on accepting myself. There was a time when I needed to be able to look myself in the mirror, and think I am okay. Sure I am attracted to this or that, but I am okay. I think early in recovery, when you are struggling with loving yourself, this is a vital part of it, but I think you grow beyond it. There has to be a point where you redefine your life.

I made certain choices. One of those was to marry. Accepting my attraction to men is important so that I can be happy with the person I am, but the act of being with another man, or anyone for that matter now has to be redefined as unacceptable. It has to pass over into the same category as raping someone, or abusing a child. These things that dont fit my morality and life I have chosen, are not acceptable beyond a point.

I think in working on accepting myself as a person, I blurred the line between accepting the attraction, and the acting on that attraction as being acceptable. Cheating on my wife was no more acceptable than raping a woman, only in my mind, I rationalized my way into it. I left room for excuses, and then exploited those to have my way. Oh, at the time, I felt perfectly justified. We werent right for each other. I am okay, and this is okay to do. It is all a bad choice in women. If I was with someone that was more like me, we would be happy. I talked myself right into it.

Acceptance of the person I am is fine, but there are things about that person that are not acceptable to act on. I have to redefine these as being totally out of bounds, so that they arent there kind of in the realm of possibility, tempting me to act on them. Cheating on my wife shouldnt be any more acceptable than raping some woman. This is where my thinking didnt line up, and I think this was a real light-bulb insight for me.
 
My abuse started when I was 6/7 years old(maybe earlier)at the mind of my mother, before I really had an understanding of what sexuality actual was. It continued in some form at the hands of others till I was 11/12. I totally suppressed everything dealing with what happened to me. I have an older brother, so I wanted to be just like him so I tried to be a ladies man, having many different girlfriends, sex was just something to do and came nature with these different girlfriends. But there was always something that made males interesting to me; I didn't understand what it was, so I never faced it.

When I was 26, I hurt my back and one of the med's caused me to have panic attacks and all the abuse started coming into my mind and the attraction and interest in males grew stronger. I didn't understand any of it, my wife and I had a great sex life. It was like she couldn't get enough. Why I did I have these thoughts; I didn't want too have these thoughts or feeling. My wife and I actually start becoming kinky, using sex toys to pleasure each other. It seemed great, but then the boom dropped, my wife told me she was about having an affair with someone I considered to be a friend. I felt like I was going go insane, so I told her about this memories of haven been abused and these feelings of attraction to males. None of this made any sense to me, and she told me I was lying and was just making it up to counter her having an affair. Oh yhea, great way to safe a marriage with a cheating wife.

I started going to therapy, one of my first therapist encouraged me to explore my sexuality at this point I was still married, so there is no way I could do this. I a living out of the house, but I still couldnt let myself actually do anything. I ended up without insurance and homeless for a short time, a real low point. I realized that I had to make a change in my life. I wiped off the dirty from being on the bottom.

I end up with a third therapist, who was a bisexual female. We continuing to work on my issue of abuse and explore who I am sexually. So I started visiting a section of Philadelphia that was openly gay and some night clubs and such and made some friendships. After my divorce was final, I allowed myself to explore this other side of myself even more. I found that I could have sex with pleasure with the same sex, but I could not live the lifestyle openly because of all my fears.

Am I able to do this because of the abuse that started at such a young age or was I born this way, I dont know nor will I every know. But what I do know is; I made a decision to get married and live a life as a married man. Will this end the attraction or the longing for more, NO, thats why I need the support of a group of friends such as those here.

As they, strength in numbers.

THANK YOU for giving me strength to be a stronger person.
 
i think the abuse formed who we are, and i dont think we can really change the things that arouse us. if certain guys do, then they are going to no matter how much we dont want them to. what we can do is realize that life is about choices, and that we have complete power and control over the choices we make. we made a choice to be with our wives. no one forced us to be with them, and no one forces us to stay. we are there because it is where we want to be.

we also chose how we act. the atraction is okay. we cannot help that, but if we cross that line and act on it, that isnt okay. if you cross those lines, there will be a price to pay. if that line would be something illegal, it might be jail. if it is being unfaithful, that price might be losing your mate. i think we can kind of take some of our power back by realizing these are choices. we can choose to be faithful, and reward ourselves for that. i think it is too easy to focus on what you are giving up, and lose sight of what you have. it is easy to think, boy i have this atraction and i can never act on it. darn marriage anyway! or you can say, boy i am lucky to have my wife, and that guy isnt worth losing her over. how we carry it is partly on us.
 
Originally posted by John Oarc:
I liked women before the molestation, I have never like men except for the attraction to shemales which did not come until later, in my late 30's that is when I started dealing with the molestation. It is as if I started exploring the attraction to the male penis and pleasing it, not a man. As I worked through it, experienced it with masterbation, in time the desire stopped.

Thanks,
Click to expand...
I understand completely John. I have the same type of attraction, but have no real desire to act it out except in masterbatory scenarios. If I am having a male fantasy, I can never put a face with the body or I get completely disgusted and lose the moment. Shemales are a facination of mine as well, all the feminine with a penis, too! It is only the penis, nothing else, that I am attracted to with real men. In real-life situations where I have been propositioned by gay men (I think it has happened twice in my life) I say that I'm not interested. I always thought it was a very weird piece of my sexuality, but never worked on why the attraction, or tried to 'get rid of it'. I always just figured I must be a 'tiny bit gay'. Not enough to want to participate in a homosexual relationship (or quickie for that matter), but enough to have the desire for a penis.

As to your question on attraction, my first molestation was child-on-child (as far as I can remember today), and I was 9 or 10. I think I was only attracted to girls before that, but I don't really remember.
 
I see it this way, I able to see beauty in both the male and female bodies and enjoy the pleasure of both as way, BUT as phoster said I have choosen to give my heart, body and soul to my wife and children. They are my reason for weaking up each morning and give me the power to want to be a stronger person.
 
I have gotten so much out of all of your post, I have figured a lot of things out and I am finding that the support and knowledge is helping me. Until I found this site I never even questioned my attraction to the penis, I just never let it cross my homophobic mind. Homophobic meaning my fear of being gay not afraid or hateful of gay people. Now that I have faced these issues I am finding that my attraction is dying down. MS and all of you guys all I can say is thanks for sharing. I love all of you and am greatful that we have a place to post and good people to do the posting. I really believe that we are brave men to put our feelings out on the table like this. It is not like we do not have a job or a family and so many other things to do, and some how we find time to try and heal ourselves that is truly amazing to me.
 
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