Sad, glad, and frustrated

Sad, glad, and frustrated
C

crisispoint

Registrant
Well, as I mentioned in the recovered memories post, I know at least part of what I remembered is real. How does that make me feel?

How should it make me feel? I dunno. On the one hand, I'm glad that I'm not as nuts as I thought I was. On the other, my God, what he actually put me through!

I love him and I hate him. I hate him now. There's no love there anymore. It's amazing how I deluded myself as a kid. Deluded myself? No, that's not the right thing to say. How much I WANTED to believe he loved me. How much he knew I NEEDED him to love me. Only to have him s**t all over me like that. When he did these things to me, what did he get out of it? Was it a crazy sort of love? Did the anger, sadism, etc., come out of the reality of the situation, that an 11 or 12 year old boy CANNOT love in an adult way?

Frustrated. I'm frustrated that still I'm looking for a way out FOR HIM when he did such terrible things to me. Do I really need it to be love THAT GODDAMN MUCH that I will rationalize it till the day I die? Am I really that sad and patheric that I will grasp onto that as an adult?

I know I'm not. I really am not. Still the thoughts linger.

I am glad that I know what he did was real. That's enough for now. That, and that I am a good person worthy of a healthy life, of love. HE WILL NOT TAKE THIS AWAY FROM ME!

Bastard.

They are all bastards. Every single goddamned abuser who hurt us and others are BASTARDS!

Hokay, more anger than usual, but I needed to get that out. I'm glad to have a place to do it.

I also love you all, my brothers (and sisters... :) ). May we all get the peace we deserve.

Scot :) :confused:
 
Scot,

Damn right! Bastards, every last one of them.

and your damn right again, he doesn't have to take away the healthly life and love you deserve.

Bill
 
I am a good person worthy of a healthy life, of love
Click to expand...
Scot - don't ever lose sight of that. You are a good person. You deserve to be healthy and whole. He took things from you that he had no right to take. Now it's up to you to try to get those things back - knowing when it's ok to trust someone, banishing any possible doubts in your mind that you 'deserved' it. And it was not your fault, not ever. Keep working at this, use your memories, share your feelings with your friends here at MS. You will get where you want/should/need to be 'with a little help from your friends.'

You are doing the right thing by coming here to this site - draw on the combined strengths and knowledge of other survivors, and don't be afraid to ask when you need help.
 
Scot,

I admit, I did not read the whole post you made, I still am having some difficulty with things that can be 'trigger' of me.

But, I do not think it is wrong that still we try to make excuses for their behaviors. We all have learned that there is such dark evil of this world, and have known such fear and terrible things that most adults will never have to acknowlldege exist. We have had to face that as children. I think there are reasons why we have such a hard time to put the blame on them. Because, even though we are now adults, if we could try to find some way to take the blame from them, to find an 'out' for them, and what they do, maybe it will bring back some of our childness. Maybe to give excuse to such horrible things, we can allow ourselves to feel 'oh, then it wasn't such evil' and we can go back to simpler feelings in time. We can get back some of how a child feels, in thinking people are generally good and such horror does not exist outside of hollywood movies. It is not that you are bad to do such things, it does not make you stupid at all. It is the fact that you are a good person, and are trying to reconcile your goodness with another's evil.

I do not remember which philopher it was (Aristotle? Plato?), but one said that all in the world is on a range between two extremes. So, without courage, there can not be cowardice. Without brilliance, there could not be stupidity. We all lie somewhere on the line between the extremes. But, to think, with the great evil we have all known, there must be others who are equally extreme in the good sense. I think those good people, those are some I meet here.

I wish you well, as always.
leosha
 
Scot
you were / are under no "delusion" - they are bastards !

Leosha - Alexei !
Whichever philosopher it was, he was right, and so are you. ;)

Dave
 
Thank god there is a place to vent safely and have others understand the need.

I would not call them bastards because there are many boys born out of wedlock. It is an affront to them. What I would classify these perps is something less than human. To be human you must have compassion, love and kindness. Well I dont think that these lowlifes have any of that except maybe for themeselves. Vermin would be a much better word or maybe The Devils Spaun. Whatever they are they will get only rage from me.

And Alexi it is an honour that you have trusted us with your name. And I think it is a really good one. It sounds strong. There was an Alexander once who ruled the world. ;)
 
You know, Mikey. You're absolutely right. Why hurt those who can legitimately called "bastards" while the vast majority are good, kind people?

Howzabout simply "motherfuckers?" That seems to work. Ah, no, that's too Oedipal. Simplify it further, "fuckers?" Nope, when the act, despite this vulger reference to it, is done with the right people in a consenting manner, it's great.

"Scum." I like that one.

They are all goddamned scum.

Yep, much better.

Peace,

Scot
 
Scot,

M'fers is a very bad one to use here or anywhere. Please don't ever use it.

Scum or scumball is okay. Lowlife is okay too. My favorite is 'monster.'

Mary
 
I use 'monster.' It seems appropriate. And I remind myself that perps are really human beings. Some of us do horrible things to one another, child sexual abuse among the worst. It is hard to accept that human beings are capable of such things. Easier to believe that those who do them are something other than humans. Monsters or Evil Beings. But really I think it is even more horrible than that because they are not something separate, some other kind of entity. These are things that human beings do to one another and that horrifies me.

Brett.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top