SA issues and now I have postpartum depression
Holy cow.. its been awhile eh? For those who remember me...
We had our baby on June 22, it was a very difficult labour (big baby, 9lb 3oz) and now on top of all my H's SA issues and relationship issues, I"m suffering from wicked postpartum depression.
Some of it is just adjusting to the lack of sleep - which was never my strong suit anyhow, and new heavy responsibility of motherhood (I'm so intimidated with the responsibility), and part of me is finding it difficult to trust my H because of all his SA issues that were affecting our relationship for a long time. For the whole pregnancy I felt very put upon and very blamed for a lot of his issues (which were NEVER my fault) and to be honest he really wasn't all that supportive about my pregnant state - he didnt really want to help out, I think he thought I was "faking it" when I could barely do anything around the house, and he REALLY got angry and resentful. I felt very trapped by my body, helpless and I fell into a state of learned helpelssness that I"m still learning how to get OUT of.
H on the other hand has made major strides since the first few weeks of the baby's birth, and especially since my postpartum depression, but I'm finding it hard to relax and TRUST him, even though I absolutely HAVE to - nobody can raise a baby alone, especially with my PPD without going insane.
Another factor that is aggravatign my PPD was a traumatic birth experience - many complications happened, including testing positive for Step. B (possibility of baby being infected at birth), baby passed meconium (first bowel movement) before birth and she could have breathed it in during birth, being stuck at "transition" (last few centimetres of dilation) for SIX HOURS - it was excruciating and agonizing and I only had pain relief for two of those hours. I also had to push for four hours and almost had an emergency c section after 30+ hours of labour. Then I had a hemmorrage and baby had to be put in the ICU for observation due to exhaustion... then I got really sick from many infections, headaches, food poisoning, very very sore and unable to lift baby for weeks afterwards. Needless to say I've been rather busy over the past while and not posting much on here.
On an up note - baby is now three months and I actually have a bit of time here and there to myself (an hour or two here or there) and H seems to be THRIVING on fatherhood - it seems to be giving him a new lease on life, a new exhilaration that his life never had before. He's finding that his self-care issues are improving as we've got a lot less time for ourselves, so he chooses thoughtfully and carefully what self-care modes he's going to use, he's also very careful to be a good role model and he seems to be a lot more responsible for his moods and activities. And he's working on a testimonial about his SA that he's going to present in his mens' group, and the trial against his abuser is coming up, which HOPEFULLY will go well and give him the "we're so sorry this happened to you" that he desperately needs.
For me: I've made contact with the outpatient psych. clinic at the main hospital here, and am getting support from a psychiatrist and social worker and getting home-support visits from a psychiatric nurse, which I really appreciate. I also am eligible for social support to get in a support worker to be with me some afternoons to give me a break/relieve some stress/allow me to exercise, eat, sleep, etc.
My major symptoms of postpartum depression is extreme anxiety being alone with the baby, and the anxiety around loss of control over my life - the baby is in charge and FORGET doing anything I want to do in the way I want to do it - interruptions are now a large part of life. My own abuse issues are flaring BIG TIME as I grew up in a home with an alcoholic father who CONTROLLED my life with his moods - and I now have a little baby who also controls my life with her moods!!!!!!!!! I have to find a way to psychologically break the connection between the two.
Anyhow just an update - it seems my H is getting MUCH better while I"m sinking down into a black hole of despair and anxiety... its weird its almost like we've switched places - i"m now the "victim" and he's the survivor, I'm the helpless and stuck one and he's the leader, its very very strange. We both now REALLY understand each other!!!!!!!!!!
Think of us, pray for me... pray for a good outcome in my H's trial, we'd appreciate it a lot.
Oh - and dont worry too much if I dont post on here very often - I'm busy with a new baby! I'll try to get back to you sometime before she graduates from College
We had our baby on June 22, it was a very difficult labour (big baby, 9lb 3oz) and now on top of all my H's SA issues and relationship issues, I"m suffering from wicked postpartum depression.
Some of it is just adjusting to the lack of sleep - which was never my strong suit anyhow, and new heavy responsibility of motherhood (I'm so intimidated with the responsibility), and part of me is finding it difficult to trust my H because of all his SA issues that were affecting our relationship for a long time. For the whole pregnancy I felt very put upon and very blamed for a lot of his issues (which were NEVER my fault) and to be honest he really wasn't all that supportive about my pregnant state - he didnt really want to help out, I think he thought I was "faking it" when I could barely do anything around the house, and he REALLY got angry and resentful. I felt very trapped by my body, helpless and I fell into a state of learned helpelssness that I"m still learning how to get OUT of.
H on the other hand has made major strides since the first few weeks of the baby's birth, and especially since my postpartum depression, but I'm finding it hard to relax and TRUST him, even though I absolutely HAVE to - nobody can raise a baby alone, especially with my PPD without going insane.
Another factor that is aggravatign my PPD was a traumatic birth experience - many complications happened, including testing positive for Step. B (possibility of baby being infected at birth), baby passed meconium (first bowel movement) before birth and she could have breathed it in during birth, being stuck at "transition" (last few centimetres of dilation) for SIX HOURS - it was excruciating and agonizing and I only had pain relief for two of those hours. I also had to push for four hours and almost had an emergency c section after 30+ hours of labour. Then I had a hemmorrage and baby had to be put in the ICU for observation due to exhaustion... then I got really sick from many infections, headaches, food poisoning, very very sore and unable to lift baby for weeks afterwards. Needless to say I've been rather busy over the past while and not posting much on here.
On an up note - baby is now three months and I actually have a bit of time here and there to myself (an hour or two here or there) and H seems to be THRIVING on fatherhood - it seems to be giving him a new lease on life, a new exhilaration that his life never had before. He's finding that his self-care issues are improving as we've got a lot less time for ourselves, so he chooses thoughtfully and carefully what self-care modes he's going to use, he's also very careful to be a good role model and he seems to be a lot more responsible for his moods and activities. And he's working on a testimonial about his SA that he's going to present in his mens' group, and the trial against his abuser is coming up, which HOPEFULLY will go well and give him the "we're so sorry this happened to you" that he desperately needs.
For me: I've made contact with the outpatient psych. clinic at the main hospital here, and am getting support from a psychiatrist and social worker and getting home-support visits from a psychiatric nurse, which I really appreciate. I also am eligible for social support to get in a support worker to be with me some afternoons to give me a break/relieve some stress/allow me to exercise, eat, sleep, etc.
My major symptoms of postpartum depression is extreme anxiety being alone with the baby, and the anxiety around loss of control over my life - the baby is in charge and FORGET doing anything I want to do in the way I want to do it - interruptions are now a large part of life. My own abuse issues are flaring BIG TIME as I grew up in a home with an alcoholic father who CONTROLLED my life with his moods - and I now have a little baby who also controls my life with her moods!!!!!!!!! I have to find a way to psychologically break the connection between the two.
Anyhow just an update - it seems my H is getting MUCH better while I"m sinking down into a black hole of despair and anxiety... its weird its almost like we've switched places - i"m now the "victim" and he's the survivor, I'm the helpless and stuck one and he's the leader, its very very strange. We both now REALLY understand each other!!!!!!!!!!
Think of us, pray for me... pray for a good outcome in my H's trial, we'd appreciate it a lot.
Oh - and dont worry too much if I dont post on here very often - I'm busy with a new baby! I'll try to get back to you sometime before she graduates from College
