s/xual violence in schools commission what a joke!

[dark empathy]

Yes, I've been mostly better, but this morning I was severely triggered by a news report.
The government is setting up a commission to investigate s/xual violence in British schools, mentioning that so much goes unreported. Good thing? Oh yeah, however then it's followed by the commission leader, president the group for women who've endured s/xual violence, who proceeded to say in detail how many "young girls" had to endure s/xual violence in schools in silence.

Well of boo fucking hoo! more poor teenaged girls who need protecting from those dreadful boys, sinse of co8urse teenaged girls are always so clean and sweet and pure and always fucking victims! And did you ever consider miss oh so compassionate that maybe, just maybe some of those poor little princesses just might be using that very status to gang rape someone? Just maybe that you know, some of those evil boys might not be so fucking evil? Well of course you didn't sinse your just out for number one, ie everyone with two x chromosomes, and giving all of them free reign to do whatever!

For the first time in months I had a literal physical flash back, I actually felt! two hands with long nales at my groin and heard someone calling me a pervert, yeah me, who just stood there and took it, so is this big almighty commission going to investigate that? Oh of course not, because you know why it's fucking unreported you bastards? BECAUSE NOBODY FUCKIN LISTEns! Nobody wants! o listen, just o hear what they want to hear all abot how swet and vulnerable the poor litle girls are.

Needless to say, this one hurt, quite a lot.
I'm really sorry for my fiance, who has seen me get triggered before though not often, indeed she was very good about holding my hands during this one, though luckily7 I could still communicate enough, (I hope i didn't upset her by asking her not to hug me just hold my hand sinse physical flashbacks are difficult.

Sorry this has been something of an incoherent rant, indeed people probably will have heard all this before, and yes,things are mostly better due to my lady who has been so amazing, however this was just the reminder that no, this shit doesn't go away, it never ends completely!

I supose it just broke me, but as usual I'll just have to carry on.
The one good thing is at least my lady loves me, for some utterly weerd, absently odd reason despite all this, even when I do get pissed at government commissions and have this happen, heck she suggested I contact the commission with my story, though if this is how I react to only a little report that would be a bad idea, ---- and people wonder why violence against men goes unreported? and how female predators get away with it (those who believe female predators actually exist in the first place of course).

Sorry for this, inocherent again,though of course it's the same old pattern. i suppose I had to return to it sometime, just like an old enemy back for revenge. I'll be alright, I always am, this was a reminder I really didn't need.

Sorry for the drivle and incoherence here, indeed I probably better get on and post this before I go and talk myself out of it oncemore.

Luke.

 

[KMCINVA]

Luke

I am sorry for the flashback you experienced. They can come out of the blue. Your lady friend knows your past and she cares for you--so she will understand. The mental flashbacks are tough and I found the visceral ones to be very debilitating--the sense of his hands on me, my arms and private areas. I would scratch myself til I bled just trying to remove that sensation. Recently my flashbacks have been more mental/visual.

Do not apologize, it is part of healing and we all probably have residual memories we have not faced. You are aware of the flashback and the cause. This will help you in the future.

It was not a rant. I found your words to be honest and heartfelt. Let it out whenever you have the need. I have vented and ranted more than my fair share here.

Take care and be kind to yourself.

Kevin

 

[dark empathy]

Hi Kevin and thanks.

Actually this has got better, I went back to bed and my lady just held me until I fell asleep, and I woke in three hours with all the fugue state fixed.

However that was nasty and a reminder I really! didn't need, I wonder, when does this stop?

 

[KMCINVA]

Luke

Fugue states can be scary in hindsight. I could disconnect from self for minutes, hours and in worse times days. What happened during those times I do not know nor will I ever know. I have stopped trying to image-it does no good only causes more anxiety as to the possibilities. I use to work myself into a distressed state trying to understand and know what happened. I learned it was pointless and I needed to change how I coped with the flashbacks and memories. Escaping was not healthy. I did learn the child within was just trying to live and be noticed. In my fugue states it is believed the child was just trying to live and be loved. At the same time the states protected me, the most part of me that just wanted to bury the abuse.

I am glad it came together for you. Sounds like you have a good woman--understanding and support are essential in the healing process.

Take care of yourself.

Kevin

 

[dark empathy]

Hi Kevin.

I think what I hated more in this one was feeling helpless again. I used to live in that state, pinned and unable to get rid of the random impressions and sensations i was swamped with, indeed in one of my poems I talked about the storm behind the glass which is what it is like. I ddidn't need! this reminder, or to saddle my fiance with it.

she is indeed nothing short of amazing and I can trace the fact that I am now so much better directly to her.

 

[SubtleStuff]

Hi Luke,

I got triggered fairly strongly recently too by "Project Consent" which is an on-line project to promote consensual relations between college age men and women. Like you, at first look, I thought it was a great idea. As I looked into it, I realized it was a bunch of angry women drilling "No means No" into mostly indifferent or "good guy" men. Another effort to promote consent in a world that sees men as rapists and women as their victims.

After feeling disappointed and somewhat hurt, I decided to drop all efforts to associate with angry women (a sexual charge is common in this dynamic in my experience) and to put more effort into healing and celebrating myself as a man. It has brought up some rather interesting and challenging insights as I work to embrace a healthy "maleness" in me.

I'm glad you have L and this forum to help you with this. I've found my friend Keith's posts helpful too (see: https://menscounselling.wordpress.com/).

I would like a world in which all efforts to dominate and subdue through anger or fear are seen as "Calls for Love" rather than a justified political agenda. We've much work to do in this department and it has to start somewhere. Here is as good a place as any.

I'm glad you are feeling better.

Warmly, Your friend, G

 

[dark empathy]

Hi Gaat.

I'm not sure "embrace myself as a man" is as much sense for me. I've always believed that being male is like being five foot ten or having dark hair, an unimportant biological factor, indeed in terms of irritations in my life the pure fact of disability is far more clear.
I just wish people wouldn't use arbitrary distinctions just to push their own arbitrary group identities, or still worse, actively abuse others for some wrong or other.

I will say I can these days recognize the good in having a male physiology, or at least a libido that my lady finds attractive, however this is still something contingent about me and I can conceive of possible worlds in which were I configured differently I could be female and find this with a man, be male and find this with another man or be female and find this with another woman, actually sinse L and I very much have a mutual relationship, I find my ability to imaginatively empathize with being female actually far stronger, mostly because it feeds on the positive reactions of another person, ie, I now physically know L probably more well than I've ever known anyone, possibly even better than I physically know myself.

I'll check Kieth's posts, I have liked what he's said previously.