running?????????????

running?????????????
M

michaelb

Registrant
i've been running from my abuse for so long.......it just seems that all the publicity that has surrounded the abuse by priests has made it impossible for me to continue running.....everytime i turn around it is in my face....news casts, newspapers, radio, etc.....even at dinner parties, the subject inevitably comes up......i never tell the people i was abused, not sure why.....i do know that the discussion always centers on the perpetrators though.....the sad think is i've seen some of those guys abused by the priests and i'm envious.....envious because people believe them, envious because some of them have led normal lives.....i talked to my therapist about this and he told me that was impossible for me because my abuse started at such a young age, 3, was perpetrated by my major role model over a period of a number of years by a person i adored.....plus i have had no family support then or now.....just feel weird being envious of those guys.....anybody else feel the same way???????????????????
 
im sorry if i say icant relate to feelings of envy, but i can undrstand what you mean. it makes alot of sense. my abuse occured between 4-7yrs of age. ive been aware of this reality, tho it has never phased me. today i realize the effects of my abuse are so apparent to my character, but these effects have become assets to it, and i can not see myself any other way. its unfortunate because there is sometime no reparation for ppl who must suffer the inevitable symptoms of such childhood abuse. and then of course there are thos who can. but the reparations wil never mend the damage inflicted and the only real way to heal is thro learning to accept and coop. ive been in a residential treatment facility for a year now, and cooping mechanism have been the single crucial factor which has enable me to look beyong my abuse towards a new, better future.
 
Yes, I can identify with you about the victims of this Priest abuse story. What draws me to it is that not only are people beliving them but they are also suing the priest and winning. I reported my abuse to the police several years ago. But the men who did all this to me are not around here anymore...no doubt going on to other victims.
It feels good to see other victims getting back at their abusers.

Terry
 
Being believed may have worried me decades ago,but not now. Probably because I went thru stages. And here I am 45 years later. I've got a bad ticker,won't live much longer and so the believ it or not thing does'nt bother me. I think of it like being a cop shot in the line of duty. Years pass and the cop's telling a group that he was shot once. Someone in the audience yells out "You're fulla shit. You were never shot". What do you think'll be the cop's response? Likely it'll be "Um. You're right. I just made up the story". The cop and the doubter both go off to live their lives,both content. Because it does'nt matter what other people think. This is the difference between the reality and illusion of childhood sexual molestation. One must ask one's self if his/her validity-of-experience depends upon others commentary.
 
TINFOIL>>>>>> how true your observations are.....regarding reality vs people's perception.....i finally told my mother about my uncle's sexual abuse of me a few months ago....of course she denied it ever happened, she could not have allowed it to happen...she was a perfect mother....although the memories are coming back to me very slowly and i might never remember everything because the abuse happened at such an early age.....hell, i question rather the memories are real or imagined.....but i do know i'm a really messed up individual.....i have a college degree and have been somewhat successful in life, but here i am 43 years old and i've never had sex with anybody.....i've been approached by guys and girls and nothing has ever seemed right.....i've always been afraid i'd freak out and hurt somebody after or during sex.....my therapist says that sexual avoidance has been my way of self preservation.....saving myself from recalling the abuse memories......running.....running......running......michael
 
I know what you mean on a few counts. I specialized in running the hell away from most things, either inside or out. The so called 'scandal in the church' (don't even get me started on the crap coming out of that institution) has hit a lot of raw nerves for me, but also gives me respect for those who have stood up. Who have fought their shame and all the same have stood up to be counted.
The other thing as well: what happened to me happened when I was thirteen. I was a bit of a late bloomer, so it turned out to be just before I hit puberty. Effectively, the race horse had its leg broken just before the gates opened. I think the thing that bugs me most on a continuous basis is this little part of me that always wonders what I would have been like, what my life would have been like, if I hadn't taken that damage. But I'll never know. Got to work with what I've got I guess, because I don't think the broken pieces are in the mail with a tube of soul super glue.
 
MichaelB,

I'm not envious per se of the people believed in the media, but I am triggered repeatedly by newscasts surrounding the priest pedophilia...one person on some show today says the real problem is that homosexual priests are finding homosexual teens to bond with--I say bulls**t! Yes, some may just be unable to control their sexuality and only have teens around to abuse and might not abuse if they could find lovers of thier own. Just as in 'prison homosexuality,' I do not believe that all of them are pedophiles, but they act out as pedophiles and that is just as bad. When I was studying for the priesthood, I met many good and honest priests who had lovers on the side. They helped me to realize that sexual urges to not dissapate after ordination. Knowing this I did not become a priest, I am grateful for that.

Jim C.
Hisatsinom
 
The entire priest and church thing is also a big trigger for me. The one thing I am not really seeing is any of these so called "men of God" standing up and saying, what I did was wrong. I have heard way too much about how the priests have been treated and frankly I could care less. If you abuse a child, you are not human, you are less than the lowest life form on this planet. I am glad people are able to speak out about it, but it gets a little much for me at times.

Don
 
The whole priest thing is making my life hell....i'm going through intensive therapy now, trying to remember past events.....well guess i'm trying not to remember, my therapist is coaxing me to remember by repeating parts of episodes i can recall....i'm going through this intense inner turmoil of needing to know more explicit details, but being so afraid i cannot handle the truth and i will try to harm myself again....this discussion on the media constantly, has me thinking about these things constantly.....there is no place to run and hide from the abuse.....even when i'm listening to a baseball game on the radio, the news breaks in to announce the headlines about another priest scandal.....i totally agree with you that the guys that did these things were animals....BUT I REMEMBER BEING VERY TEMPTED TO ABUSE A LITTLE BOY that was about the same age i was when i was abused.....he was 4, i was 16.....about the same age that my abuse began withg my uncle....thank god i did not abuse this boy, but i was so tempted.....i know there is no direct relation between being abused and abusing, but the research shows a predisposition for it to occur.....so while i condemn these priests, i also cannot help but believe that many of these guys were probably abused as well.....the one positive aspect of this media frenzy is making the public aware of male victimization....although many people still believe that this only occurs in the priesthood.....i know this is the case with my family......
 
Despite what some in the media and the church have said, I do think the celibacy thing has something to do with the abuse that has been going on.

In prison, men who do not consider themselves gay participate in or instigate the rape of another man. They have no other outlet for their sexuality and it gets compressed and comes out in an explosion of pressure.

I think there is a correlation between that and what has been happening in the church. Certainly, the church, working with kids a lot, would be a prime target institution for predators, but likewise, you can't tell someone to essentially deny their basic human sexuality without problems.

Which brings me to two questions:
Do priests undergo any kind of psychological screening prior to being placed and/or trained?
Will they ever switch off the sexual pressure cooker they impose on priests?
Doubtful they will allow priests to express all spheres of their humanity - the church doesn't want marriages to endanger their money.
 
Spider-man,

I agree that some priest perpetrate on boys because of repressing their sexuality and it is a horrible outlet. I called this "situational pedophilia" in another post--linking it to jail/prison "Situational homosexuality."

"Which brings me to two questions:
Do priests undergo any kind of psychological screening prior to being placed and/or trained?"

Yes, but they probably cannot pinpoint pedophiles from the tests they administer--two full days of diagnostic testing prior to being accepted as a seminarian.

"Will they ever switch off the sexual pressure cooker they impose on priests?
Doubtful they will allow priests to express all spheres of their humanity - the church doesn't want marriages to endanger their money."

They can learn from other denominations how to protect their monies. So long as Pope JP II lives, there will be no such thing as married priests. His short-lived predecessor had different ideas--due to the lack of 'voice' from an unmarried male in parts of Africa (meaning you're not a 'man' until you are married and are treated as a boy)--which could have then applied to the rest of the church, but JP I believed in eliminating the hordes of money in the Vatican as well.


Jim C.
Hisatsinom
 
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