running out of patience

running out of patience
O

Overburdened78

Registrant
Brian came home from school today extremely upset. He said nothing happened, he just can't deal with being in school. I am really running out of patience here. I know he's dealing with a lot but he needs to finish school. I don't know, maybe I'm being too harsh? With everything else that's happened to him in his life I just don't want to see him throw away his future.
I'm not sure how to handle this.
 
Dennis,

If this were my 17-year-old brother I would EXPECT him to say nothing happened - that's his code for "I can't talk about it". My version of that when I was a teenager was to run up to my room, stay there and refuse to talk to anyone. But at the same time I desperately WANTED to talk! Go figure.

What's different between Brian's case and mine is (apart from three decades) that you know what happened to him - my parents didn't and I was too afraid to tell them.

Brian will in general be awash with negative feelings about himself - often feelings buffeting him all at once. At times he may need to talk, but he may be so confused he doesn't know where to start. I get that a lot when I talk to young survivors here. When someone tells me he wants to talk but he's scared/can't/too ashamed/doesn't know where to start, I suggest "start anywhere"; take a deep breath and just talk, the conversation will find it's own direction soon enough.

Brian may also REALLY feel that what he has to talk about is so shameful and embarrassing that you would not understand, or perhaps would even disbelieve him. That's the fear talking, of course. He needs to know that you are always there for him and that he can trust you 100%.

The problem here is that talk is cheap, as teens love to point out. He needs to see this in deeds as well. Try to pick up on any opportunity that arises to support him, validate him, and show him you care and can be trusted. Include him in things you do when you can; take him to the races, a cool film, a restaurant for his favorite food, things that will show him that he matters and is special. Remember that an abused kid has learned that trust is a stupid idea; recovering from that devastating lesson requires more than words, he needs to see the proof.

You may remember yourself some of the things that could come up in school. I remember, for example, going to school and thinking I had "fucked a million times" written on my back with Christmas lights; I thought that at any moment someone might figure out what had happened to me. The changing rooms and showers in gym class were especially bad, because I wondered did anything show and I hated being naked. I also wondered if someone even looked at me: I thought do they hate me, do they know, did I do something stupid, are they talking about me, blah, blah, blah.

And a final thing: have you ever told Brian about your own abuse and how you felt - what YOU went through and how you felt? The information might help him, and again, the fact that you were open with him is a gesture of trust that would encourage him to reciprocate.

All this said, Dennis, I do have to end on the note that sometimes things DO get to be too much for a traumatized teen. That is, it is indeed possible that he can't continue in his present state of mind. If that's the case, and he continues under pressure, the result could be a nervous breakdown.

If Brian's trauma over school seems to be assuming the character of an ongoing reaction to school, I would try to get a professional counselor into the picture. That will be rough - yet another strange adult for him to cope with. But it might be a good idea to get a professional opinion of how bad things really are.

I really feel for your position Dennis; it's so great how you are supporting your little brother. Hang in there, and know you can speak out and rely on us for support here.

Much love,
Larry
 
I don't know exactly how he feels because I'm not him. But I know how I felt and it was awful. I know when he says things like "nothing happened" that what he really means is he can't talk about it at the time. He knows that he can talk to me anytime about anything, I'm not going to judge him and I certainly believe him. He knows that it happened to me too, the same things for a long time. Although I don't get into details and there are something I hold inside, I'm pretty open with him about the abuse and I do this so that he feels like he has someone, not so alone. I remember feeling like I had that sign over my head too, like people could tell just by looking at me, that I'd be getting changed after a game and someone would see a scar or something and ask. I know. I remember.
I really and truly remember how it felt when it was me and it breaks my heart to see him going through it too.
But being an abuse survivor doesn't mean he can just quit school. Or quit life for that matter.
He has counseling and this afternoon him and I are meeting another counselor through his school to help him with these issues as they come up during the day. I told him he can't just leave school and come home. I realize he needs support there too. Hopefully with this second counselor when he's having a hard time at school he can go to this persons office and talk it through before it gets too bad.
I worry that I'm doing all the wrong things here. I just know how I felt and I know that I wished I had someone when I was his age, which wasn't really too long ago.
I just don't want to hurt him but I have to do the right thing.
Thanks.
 
Dennis,

I'm sure Brian knows he can talk to you about anything, but does he do it? If not, it's because of the very common problem that past experience teaches an abused boy that he can't trust what he thinks he knows. That's why I was suggesting doing everything you can to make him feel special and important. That will help to break down the barrier between what he knows and what he trusts as a basis for rebuilding his life.

You are absolutely right in feeling that you have to do what is right for him, not what is easiest. He may resent that at the time, but at the end of the day teenagers need to see that the adults they rely on have the strength of their convictions and the confidence to see them through. It may even help if you tell him directly that you are trying to provide for him now the sense of direction and boundaries that you lacked when you were a teen.

Much love,
Larry
 
He does talk to me sometimes, other times he won't. I never push. He has talked to me some about guilt, shame and blame. Never anything specific. Also, when he does talk about it he seems to talk in the 3rd person. I can guess why he approaches it that way, I've never asked him why. I'm pretty sure I already know the reason. I figured if that's how he's comfortable with it than why change it. Maybe I'm wrong. I'm no doctor, I just know where he's been. I've explained to him why I make him go to school and why I do the things I do. For example he'll tell me he doesn't feel good, that he's having bad memorys on a Saturday morning so he can't do any chores. By now I can tell when he's just making it up vs. when it's the real thing. Usually I can talk to him and get him to come around, he always feels a lot better after he's worked for a while. Once in a while he'll fight me on it. He'll yell at me, give me the "You're not my father you can't tell me what to do" routine. He doesn't say that much anymore, last time he did I came back and told him that he's right, because if I was his father I wouldn't have hurt him like his real father did. Sometimes I want to just give up on him. That makes me feel like a rotten person. Sometimes I want to take his head off too, that makes me feel even worse. I'd never turn my back on him, I'd never hurt him, he knows all that. So I guess it's about dealing with my own shit like you said. I know he looks up to me and If I can't continue to be strong and to do the right things than it's not going to do him any good at all.
I wish it was just me, I wish that bastard just came after me and gave everything he had inside that was cruel and ugly to me and left Brian out of it. But I can't change that so just have to work on it I suppose.
 
Dennis,

Dealing with your own issues as well is really important. If you don't, then helping Brian could become a distraction from your own needs, and eventually that would compromise your ability to help him. There's also the point that Brian will benefit enormously from having a healthy example showing him how it's done.

In his talks with you Brian will probably be "negotiating" a lot. He will be testing the water to see if it's really safe to proceed further. I'm sure he knows you are a safe confidant; his reservations will be all about himself: I am too guilty/ashamed/embarrassed/sissy, or whatever. He will probably begin with something general and safe, as you have noticed, and at that point you might say something to invite him to continue. If he retreats a bit, you might tell him that it he can't talk yet that's okay, but the issue he's getting into is important and maybe he would like to say more about it.

That's interesting, the way he shifts into the third person. That's probably a defensive tactic: if he's speaking in the third person then he isn't really talking about himself. If it works, let him continue with that.

You are in a really tough spot Dennis. Please don't feel guilty if the situation gets to you from time to time and leads to some pretty uncharitable thoughts. We are all human, after all.

Much love,
Larry
 
Dennis,

I really can believe that. I respect you so much for your dedication in sticking with Brian when you have your own issues to deal with as well.

How can guys here help you? How can I help you? How can people locally help you? Do you have anyone? It really is so difficult for a survivor to ask for what he needs, but that's what we all have to do.

Much love,
Larry
 
Dennis,

That's the bitch of it. As survivors we have buried our own needs and fears for so long we don't know what to do with them. People tell us, "Ask for help" or "What can I do?", and we haven't a clue how to answer them.

And sure, you're right about that problem of knowing that we need help. Guys are supposed to be strong, of course. My answer to that is that it takes REAL strength, not macho posturing like so many guys show the world, to ask for what we need.

When I get into a convo with someone in a situation like this, I usually suggest just start somewhere - doesn't matter. Things will find their own direction pretty quickly.

Much love,
Larry
 
I am not sure I am understanding fully, it seem that both you and your brother are survivors, and I am very sorry of that.

It sounds as you are very supportive brother, and very understanding of his communication, what he is telling you without telling. I wish it, that all survivors could have someone so intuitive.

I hope you both continue with healing, and neither give up, on yourself or the other. I wish you both good luck.

Leosha
 
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