Running on faith....but running out of it...

Running on faith....but running out of it...
L

LupinIII

Registrant
..I have been going on a lot of faith lately. That my new job with its short-term losses will work out in the long run...that even though I cannot afford a therapist right now I will find enough literature and support to get by..that my marriage will grow in the positive...that I can find who I really am now that my long-time quest to find the illusive element in my life turned out to be SA and my survivor "identity" has been stripped away...

....but running on faith is really f-ing hard...it is the opposite of what I have done...and the anger..man the anger is there...each day I understand more...and all these years my mother kept me fearful, kept me needing her approval...I was so afraid of the truth...and now I am set free...but at the same time I feel so lost...so lost...

I just had to write..I am not sure where I am going with this or what I am trying to say..but I am tired...and it is getting harder to keep running on faith...
 
Lupin III - it's not easy...I've just posted a new topic that very basically sums up where I feel at the moment.

I think that I am becoming to understand who I am now & that's after years of having rubbish floating around in my head - it's a very strange experience. I don't know that you've ever walked through a dark forest, where the trees are so dense that the sunlight cannot get through - I often did as a child (before the abuse) with one of my Grandfathers (a woodsman/ropeman)...it was both spooky & exciting at the same time...we always found the daylight at the other side.

Walk through the forest...be frightened (for it is frightening) but also be excited, for you are finding daylight.

Best wishes ..Rik
 
When you are free, you have a lot more options available to you, the choices can be a little overwhelming. Focus and direction toward goals might help.
:D
 
God says " I'll never give you more than you can handle". I know for alot of us this is hard to believe with all we have gone though.

Whatever Higher power you believe in trust in it and keep the faith up.
 
"I was so afraid of the truth...and now I am set free...but at the same time I feel so lost...so lost..."

Man oh man can I relate to this . . . Sometimes the best we can do is just tell each other "I understand." When I get into feelings about my sexual abuse, I often feel like I have no direction, no anchor, and that no one could possibly understand how lost I feel. I think it's encouraging that you feel the desire to reach out when you're feeling this way, rather than simply isolating.

Jeff
 
Lupin,

I don't know if you're a religious man, but this take on one of Jesus' miracles may help define what I think faith means.

Jesus was standing around at the wedding, after being nagged by his mother (as only a mother can do! :D ) to feeding the masses. Even though there was a wedding going on and no one could think of bringing food, Jesus grumbled to Himself.

One of the apostles (Jesus was so irked that He didn't notice which one) came up and marveled, "Jesus, my Lord that was such a great thing you did!"

"Hm?" he mumbled, still in a funk.

"I mean, the basket only had three loaves and fishes and, well, there still was enough to feed everyone!"

Jesus sighed. He spent all this time with Him, and this guiy still didn't get it. "Why are you so amazed? First of all, I'm God! I can do what I want when I want to. But that was not the point. The basket looked almost empty to you."

"Um, yes, Lord."

"And still there was enough to feed EVERYONE here who couldn't THINK of packing a SANDWICH for the day!"

"Uh, Lord?"

"Sorry. Been a long day. YOU put up with my mother when she's on a tear!"

"The point, Lord?"

"Sorry. The point is that, even though there didn't seem enough there, it was able to take care of things with more to spare, right?"

"Yes."

Jesus smiled. "Well, that's what my Father and I are trying to tell you. Sometimes, don't lie now!, you wonder if you have enough faith to carry you through your mission with me. Even though it's hard and people will make fun of you, the whole bit."

"Sometimes, my Lord, yes."

"And sometimes you feel like your tank is almost empty, right?"

"Surely that is true."

"Well, as long as you have faith in me, my beloved, your faith will never run dry, even when it's stretched."


Leave it to a born teacher to take a catering incident and turn it into a learning experience.

Have faith, Lupin. It will never run dry. It will ALWAYS, ALWAYS be there.

Peace and love,

Scot
 
I am not into religion, but I am into spirituality.

...okay..so...be careful what you wish for right..after asking all those questions yesterday I got my answers today...had a long talk with the director (btw does anyone really trust someone who tells you how straightforward and honest they are ten times in a ten minute conversation) and was blown a lot of smoke but the bottom line is:

1) The idea of promotion from within is nothing but smoke and mirrors. If you are lucky they will add a bullshit title to you after a year.

2) There is still no solid criteria for bonuses so the potential for being screwed is high.

3) They are going from a sales environment to a dilbert call center where how many times you scratch your ass is counted.

4) They pay for your education..if you want a year and a half worth of education to take three years and btw you can only get your BA in Business ...unless I go for a masters this wonthelp me in the next five years with my background...

5) Five people just gave their two weeks notice on my team in the same day..what's that tell ya..

and...

6)The one manager they did promote from within (mine) is being phased out...in a really skeevy fashion..

...bottom line I just blew our savings to make this switch based upon things that aren't true or really beneficial (btw at my pitiful hourly I cannot even afford the health insurance)..I am going to need to find a new job..I am trying to find the meaning in this ..or the belief that something good will happen..but right now I just feel like a big jackass loser...
 
LupinIII,

Well, are those five all going to the same place? I was on a project where people started to bail left and right. It turned out that many of them were following one who'd received a great offer and was recruiting the best people to follow him.

Who knows who you will meet now and how you might help one another? Change can be messy, but stagnation really pounds sand.

Not sure if I ever mentioned to you the online listings at RAINN . That was how I found the crisis center where I see my T now. It might help you, too, if you're looking for someone now.

Thanks,

Joe
 
Thanks for the RAINN site. I did try it before and there isn't anyone listed in my area.

I have finally calmed down after having a major anxiety attack last night. Believe it or not I think the major trigger for me was I felt that I trusted in the universe and got screwed. It began to reaffirm my belief that the other shoe will always drop.

-savings gone
-false promises (including some I did not even write about)
-financially tense situation

...however...upon further review I began to think about things...

...I was the one who asked the universe for a chance to get my degree and not the other way around. True the possibility wasn't for the degree I wanted. True as the bullshit clears I might not even be able to afford the textbooks (btw they produce their own multimedia, distribute their own textbooks but they charge their underpaid employees and arm and a leg for them)and I don;t even know if I could last on this pay structure without advancement long enough to get my degree...but...the vehicle is in front of me...

...then I tried to think about the positive side of things...there had to be one right?....well after some sleep I decided that:

-I was out of a really bad and potentially dangerous situation by leaving my last job.

-This job is forcing me to examine what I really wanted out of my life. The idea of not having a degree has haunted me for a long time. This job is forcing me to bring closure to that by either getting one or being able to say it's not really important for what I want to do. I also have regretted not becomming a therapist, but this situation is forcing to look at if that is how I really want to contribute (among other things).

-This job has a flexible schedule. I can arrange to work a 10-7 shift when I want with two days advance notice. That is a perfect way to arrange interview for new opportunities without arising suspicions.

..and finally...

-I was able to turn around a major anxiety attack (my ribs still hurt from all the anxiety I put myself through) in a couple of hours. This is a major accomplishment for me....and to be thinking about the positives this soon after an attack....well if I had the money I'd take myself to Disney.

Thanks for the kind words and support!!! This place is the best online portal I have ever encountered!!
 
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