running for eyes

[manchild]

Lately i heard a survivor say, she was on guard for her fathers eyes everywhere when he was around. Especially when she had to pull out her clothes for a bath or going to bed. Se made sure to lock the bathroom. She could not relax with her father around and stayed alert and assertive to keep him off. She managed to keep him off, but she could not relax, she had no father who respected her integrity, instead there was that stalking man in the house.

After hearing this story i have been weeping. First i thought i was weeping for her. Later i realized i wept for myself as well.

I (a survivor-man) remember being cautious for my mother who wanted to check if i was a aroused. I allways felt uncomfortable when she came inside my bedroom.

That discomfort must also have triggered the feelingmemories of my father coming in the bedroom to take me to his.

And in the present i often feel watched and judged. Especially concerning (the moves of) my body and my sexuality.

When a woman shows interest, i can fear to react and later feel regret for lost chances.

Oh, that shame.

 

[Broken]

I remember my mom always wanted to be too close to me, she would always say things about my body, like say i had sexy legs, things like that. Whenever she hugged me and put her mouth to close to my ear i would freak out and get real uncomfortable. A couple of times when she was drunk, she nibbled on my neck, in front of her boyfriend. I always felt wierd when she touched me, she always was trying to touch me, even when i was older. A couple of weeks before i moved out, she slapped my ass as i opened the door for my friends, right in front of all of them. It was one of the things that made me kind of wake up to what was happening, to why i had to leave to see what exactely was going on.

The fucked up thing is i was at my best friends house, who still lives with his parents, and the same thing happened to him, right in front of me. I was dumbstruck, i had no idea what to do or say, i just pretended like nothing happened, because i knew thats exactely what my friend wanted, what he needed to get through this. I feel so bad for him, because i know if i confront him with the reality of his situation, he will have no choice but to deny it. Until he leaves, he is the same little boy who his father made him do military exercises and punishments until he dropped.

I feel worse because if i want to support him, i have to use the same defenses he is using. To be there for him in the reality of his situation, i have to pretend like nothing happened so he can go through his day without going insane. I just hope he can save enough money to leave home, then maybe he will have a chance.

Its really sick and sad when mothers abuse thier children. The hurt doesnt stop with the molestation, its the suffocation, the conditional love. Children long for closeness with thier mother so bad they will take it any way they can get it. That means they will keep coming back for more abuse, even after they have gotten older, because they still have a hole that needs to be filled, they still want thier mother to love them.

I wish i could say something more comforting, but thier is just no way to replace a mothers love. The closest you can come is the uncondtional love of life, that spark that gave birth to us all. I believe there is a part of life in each of us that can nurture and love, something that is a connection to life itself, a mother to us all. Maybe you dont believe in things like that, but life is still a better foundation for belief than god. Most everyone believes life is more than a set of preprogrammed instincts or conditioned responses. And if god is life, well then there is no argument either way, is there?

 

Dear Broken:

In your post you mentioned "conditional love". I believe no such thing exists. I feel that all real love is unconditional. Anything that is conditional can not be love. Thanks for your thoughts.

rafael

 

[Broken]

thats true. conditions are just the strings attached by a finite reality by an infinite state of being. Everything has love in it, even serial killers. The problem is they love death and suffering, they make the wrong choice where to put it. Somewhere inside all of us is a piece of compassion and humanity, and if you judge someone as incapable of love, they will never have a chance. thats why you have to keep a little piece of hope for everybody, if not as an indivual, as a species, or a life. Its not to say you cant hate anyone, you cant try to not love someone, its just that somewhere inside you, you have to keep that spark of compassion alive, no matter what. Fear pain and suffering are a part of life, and since we love life, we must accept life as it is. But we can still strive to change it, to make it better. Some part of my mother wanted to love me, even though she didnt know how. But sometimes we have to stand up and say i love you, but thats not right, and i wont allow you to do this anymore.I just hope i find the strength to do it soon.