Roy Rogers Had A Horse Named....Trigger!

Dear Brother,

Yesterday my lover and I were talking about pools. We got one of those pools you inflate and put in the backyard. Normally it's a fun topic, thinking about pools, thinking about swimming, thinking about summer. But the thought of pools triggered me. I know something bad happened to me in a pool. Or to me at the beach. I think you pushed me under one time. Another time, I think you pulled down my bathing suit. You thought it was funny. It wasn't.

Sometimes I wish I could get angry at you. I think it would help. There are so many memories that I've pushed away. So many triggers. I'm starting to call my bad days Roy Rogers' horse days. You know, Roy Rogers starred in all those Westerns. And he rode a horse. And the horse's name was "Trigger."

See, I can't even be funny with you. You wouldn't get the joke anyhow. You have to be abused and have PTSD to understand what I'm talking about. So I can't laugh the pain away. I can't be angry with you. Why do I feel so empty? Why do I feel like just talking about you something bad is going to happen?

I want to know. I want to know what you did to me. What you did to my little brother. You know me and my little brother used to be so close. We could talk about anything. Except somehow we couldn't talk about you. Even now, we can't talk. There's a wall there. What did you do to him?

Mom and Dad are dead. Mom and Dad are dead but I'm telling on you. Right here, right now, just by writing this letter and posting it in this forum, I'm telling on you.

Damn! Why do I feel so scared? So very scared.

It's another one of those Roy Rogers' horse days. Yup, that darn horse was named Trigger. And it's one of those days when I saddle up and take him out. Figuratively speaking, that is.

But I'll be back, older brother. I'll be back to tell on you again.

Jasper

P.S. You're not going to win today, brother. Today I'm going to do something very brave. I don't know what yet. Sometimes just walking the dog down the road is a brave step for me. But you'll see. You'll see....

 

Hi Guys!

I'm trying to work through so much right now. (Surprise! Surprise) In the past, I've always had a gift for humor. I could laugh off any bad situation. And it hurts so much that I can't do that this time.

Do you know what surprises me? When I think back to my childhood, I'm amazed that my little brother and I managed somehow to actually have so much fun. I guess that says something about us. And maybe something good about my parents. There was enough "normalcy" around to help me make it through somehow.

And yet, I look back today and I get so scared for the little child I once was. There were very real dangers all the time. My older brother was forever trying to trick me into doing dangerous or foolhardy things. And when that didn't work, he would literally push me into perilous predicaments. There were lots of childhood "accidents" whenever my older brother was around. I don't know all he did to me. He was this sick older brother who would do cruel things just because he felt like it.

Yet somehow, my little brother and I managed to carry on, to put the fright on a shelf, and go back to play as if nothing had happened. Knowing all the while that at any moment, the danger could return.

How do kids manage to do that? Any thoughts on this?

Also, if you happen to read the posts in this forum regularly but feel uncomfortable posting for some reason, I hope that you will send me a private message. I really would like to hear from some of you!

Thanks for listening.

Jasper