Roadrunner's advice

[Hauser]

Hey. I have yet to do what you suggested. In "My Story", you replied:
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Go to a department store, find the boys' clothing section and locate the things they have for a 9-10 yo. Look at how small they are; the arms, legs, torso - all so tiny! Look at the decorations - fantasy images, adventure logos, sports slogans and symbols: ALL from the cool world of little boys. Look at how the buttons and zips are fashioned for little fingers. Check out how they are simply made and designed to be washed a million times. This is the world of a 9 yo boy.

This was you Hauser! You were a trusting innocent kid, and like all 9 yo boys there is no way you could have had the resources to respond effectively to the danger facing you. Don't look back at that little kid and judge him from the perspective you have now as an adult. So many of our "why" and "how" questions come from that mistaken way of viewing what happened to us.
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I will do it soon. I..........just feel like I'm gonna be disappointed, like, I've tried to tell myself that it wasn't my fault a million times already. Repetition? Like, in 1984, "Black is White" blah blah blah. Over and over until I convince myself and never feel shame or guilt again?

I'm about to change jobs, and I really don't want to right now, because the job I've had for the last 5 years is familiar, almost comforting. But my employer dropped insurance coverage for hourly workers, (which includes me). Welcome to the 21st century America.

I was hoping that I could keep everything normal and familiar and just concentrate on my upcoming therapy. I hate facing the unknown.....................but doing that has gotten me nowhere so far hasn't it?

 

[shadowkid]

sometimes change is the only way things can get better ,so i'm told.after you look at the clothes,find a nine year old boy and just watch him for a minute ,see how trusting and totalt unaware he is ,how easy it would be to con him into a situtation he can't get out of .how come we can tell other people hey i wasn't your fault and it makes perfect sense till we try to tell ourselves? therapy to me was like walking into that courtroom for the first time for me i was that nervous ,felt kinda sick all the way there but it feels like it is gonna help ,hey man we have tried doing this on our own right ,i don't think we have the tools to fix ourselves .we can beat this abuse just like we beat our abusers by still being here ,they tried to wipe out who we were but just a litt5le of us is still here still fighting . good luck on the new job adam

 

[reality2k4]

I have been and bought boy clothing items for a 11-12 yo.

My reasons were a little bit different and somehow the same.

I bought them, because I could never have them at this age through money problems.

It is funny how my mind is so protective of kids who seem to be in the age range of my abuse and not so much either way the other side of it.

I remember ripping my shorts as a child, because they were part of the abuse, and I never wore shorts again, but I am trying hard to get over this.

I could not even play football or PE, even if it was in a safe school environment, and I always remember that if I did, then felt so naked to the world.

ste

 

[roadrunner]

Hauser,

I wouldn't want you to take my suggestion as meaning that if you do this, then I think there will be some revelation for you and you will see the point I was making. It really isn't that simple.

Recovery from abuse is so incredibly complicated, and for a long time it seems like every little bit you figure out and get past simply dredges up 4-5 other things that are far bigger and much more difficult. For example, you talk about shame and guilt as if they are more or less the same thing. I would suggest to you - without going into the whole thing here - that in fact they are very VERY different.

But back to the kids' clothing. What that did for me was to give me something TANGIBLE that I could refer to. Instead of just thinking sbstractly, "I was 11", I have images of what it really MEANT to be 11 - the clothing is all about our size, our innocence, our trust, our children's vision of the world, and our powerlessness against our elders. After all, what slays me are the mental images I still have of what was done to me. What I needed and found - and what I think would be useful for all of us to have - is a bunch of counter-images that put things in perspective: images that show us as we really were, and not as how our abusers made us feel about ourselves.

Much love,
Larry

 

[Lloydy]

Larry
that's a powerful image you create there, and a very true one as well.

We were small, we were innocent, we were defenceless.

I can't drive past a school without looking at the young kids and being reminded of just those facts.

Young David DIDN'T HAVE the grown up thinking I have now, he didn't know HOW to process all the shit surrounding his abuse.

Adult Dave processed it differently though.
For many years he processed it in the only way he knew, it wasn't the best way ( with hindsight ) but it got him through the days.
But now, having made the effort to learn about both young David AND adult Dave I process the shit in an altogether different way, and it works.

But we have to reclaim the lives of our kids.

Dave

 

[roadrunner]

Dave,

Can I take your point and stress it a bit?

A lot of the ways that Little Larry found to cope and survive involved reaching a lot of very wrong and negative conclusions about himself. When I look at or think of the 11 yo clothing it makes it so clear to me that just as he cannot be faulted for any of the abuse he endured, he cannot be blamed for the feelings he developed as a result of being hurt. That realization now helps Big Larry to trust his T and others who know and let go of those feelings and bad ideas about himself.

It doesn't happen as fast as Big Larry would like, but as in all else he needs to coordinate his work to a pace the little kid can handle as well.

Much love,
Larry

 

[Born to Resist]

Yesterday while I was X-Mas shopping I wonder over to the toddler's section. I found an outfit of a 4 to 5 year old boy. I almost began to cry ... how could anyone hurt someone soooo small and defenseless. Sooo innocent ... only deserving of love and joy.

Courage-Wisdom-Spirituality

 

[roadrunner]

Born to Resist,

I almost began to cry ... how could anyone hurt someone soooo small and defenseless. Sooo innocent ... only deserving of love and joy.

That's it bro. No more; no less.

Much love,
Larry

 

[Dewey2k]

To extend even that a bit, I'm finding it difficult to even look at kids that are the age I was when I was abused. Tears are never far away if I do.

 

[roadrunner]

Dewey,

That's for sure. Whenever I have been Christmas shopping and have seen a kid about 11 wandering around with no adults in sight, I wonder "Is he safe?" and where the hell are his parents.

Much love,
Larry

 

[WalkingSouth]

I think just to add a bit to this thread, try taking a picture of yourself taken perhaps in the year or two prior to when the abuse started. Look at it in the same context that Larry described above.

That was a very powerful thing for me to do.

Born to Resist, you talk about tears. Yea, I had them after that little exercise. Still do sometimes when I look at those pictures.

Dewey and Larry, when I see a kid anywhere from about 5 to 20 years old, especially if they are by themselves, I find I want to make sure they are OK. I want to make sure no one is, or is going to hurt them. Basically this very protective instinct kicks in regarding them. Sort of strange in a way, but not really.

Lots of love,

John

 

[RICK57]

I have a picture of myself with my brother and sister from just before I was abused. It's displayed in a prominant place in my home.

I look like a really happy, cute kid...I look at the picture now and know that I am going to keep going with this battle & that I won't let you down when I get to court!

Best wisehs....Rik

 

[Dewey2k]

I have pictures of me at my 10th B-day (before I was abused)and again at 11. The difference is remarkable. The 10yo picture shows a happy boy, open to the world. The 11yo picture shows a guarded smile that doesn't reach the eyes, and a protective posture, arms crossed, but over the stomach instead of over the chest like you would normally expect. It's a pretty sad comparison.

 

[WalkingSouth]

I think I remember seeing those in the "Images" forum, Dewey. It's taken me a while to be able to look at pictures of myself when I was young and take my own advise on the subject.

I was just sharing with another brother here last night about this subject. I am finally beginning to be able to look at pictures of young me and see me for the cute, great kid I was, without all the sh*t I went through getting in the way and clouding my self perceptions.

Courage,

John

 

[Born to Resist]

I have pictures of myself before the abuse on the board at my home office (I work from home at the moment). I scanned the best one and put it on my cell phone screen. It's made the difference when I'm out and about spiraling in emotions. While I have no memory of the time before my abuse mainly because it began when I was 4 ... I do cherish the pictures taken of a time I don't remember, but a time that I was still innocent and pain free.

Courage-Wisdom-Spirituality

 

[roadrunner]

One thing that helps me when I look at pics is to pay attention to the issue of SIZE. At 11 I wasn't 5' 11 like I am now. I was just a little kid.

A similar thing happened on the bus in Germany just before I left for Christmas. A friend of mine is a schoolteacher and he was on the bus with a bunch of his pupils, headed for some activity for the day. I asked him how old they were, and he told me 9-11 and pointed a few out. My attention jumped to an 11 yo, and again my first thought was how little he is.

Little in ways other than size too: innocence, trust, naivete, joyful in his response to the world, and so on.

Much love,
Larry

 

[WalkingSouth]

I too find my self looking at little guys sometimes. Seeing how small and innocent looking they are. Wondering how and why anyone would would steal that from them. It is not a huge leap from there to comparing myself at that age to them and their innocence and exuberance about life. No it was not my fault. I know that now.

Now my challenge is to live the rest of my life with that joyful exluberance that I lost so many years ago. To enjoy the wonderful things I have been given simply because they are mine to enjoy and share with those I love.

Lots of love,

John