Revisiting - Needing Support for Heavy Feelings

[midnightrabbit]

Hello everyone. I hope those of you that are celebrating American Thanksgiving are doing so with the warmth and joy of family and friends who love and cherish you. For everyone else, I hope you are also wrapped in the comfort and care of your loved ones.

I visited this forum, perhaps, last year after learning that my partner (we are not married but in a long term relationship) is a survivor, and in some heartbreaking ways, a victim of CSA. He has dealt with a gamut of challenges including family issues, identity struggles, and a long and drawn out battle with addictions. From porn, to drugs, to alcohol, you name it. Not once during this time have I felt as though I was in physical or mental harm. He is a wonderful man with a beautiful heart full of compassion and love, especially for those at the fringes, who I believe is desperately seeking some relief and understanding.

I have not experienced a fraction of what he has, and so I struggle to understand and empathize sometimes. I do not have addictive tendencies, but I do have my own issues to work on (of course, as we all do!).

I'm coming back to the forum today because I am in need of some support of my own. In the last year, we've had many heartbreaking calls, long nights, some blow outs (never name-calling or disrespect and for that I am totally grateful). We've decided to take some time apart so he can focus on healing in a way that won't hurt me. He recognizes places where he has "failed" (his words, not mine) and I understand I may have been enabling some bad behaviours also. I'm feeling lost and heartbroken because I want to live my life with this person and journey together through all the crap of this, and whatever else comes. I know this is a life-long journey, and that he is not broken or damaged in the ways he thinks he is.

This time apart is difficult for me and I often ask myself if he is better without me. We had a big breach of trust and boundaries that I am struggling to move past. It severely damaged my self-esteem and threw me into a spiral of him questioning his sexuality and therefore our relationship, and the value and worth of my body and body parts. (This is deeply triggering and I know I need therapy to move past this hurt, as I can't give him space to heal if I'm constantly holding onto this.)

I would just like to know if there are other friends or family, or perhaps survivors, that can help me gain some insight into what he is feeling. I don't want to ask and burden him, but I'm also feeling adrift and unmoored. He is often angry and lashes out (not at me) and apologizes. He feels he hasn't been a good partner, but I love and forgive him regardless. Besides holding space in my head and heart, what else can I do? I know I have a tendency of piling up my grievance on him in an attempt to me fully transparent about my feelings, but I know it's too much. How can I stop doing this, and give him the space he needs. How do I cope with feeling like he won't come back to me?

All thoughts and perspectives welcome. Thank you.

 

[bluesteel]

I don’t have a good answer for you in terms of a solution, but he sounds a lot like me. I have experienced CSA and sexual trauma as an adult.

I get angry and lash out a lot and push people away. Even if I don’t mean to. It’s hard to explain, in those moments, for me, there’s sometimes two things happening in my head and they all rush at me at once, including the emotions and it can be a struggle.

I have also struggled with sexuality and sex in relationships, it’s very common as I’ve been learning. Those issues not only hurt and are confusing as hell, but you feel incredibly guilty and shameful, you also feel scared and upset with yourself. It puts a lot of pressure on you as the survivor.

It’s hard to say about your exact situation, but if I were you I would say your partner wants you to be happy first and foremost, that always stressed me out in relationships, like I was failing. Not just because of the issues causing me to fall short, not just because I was stressed about it, but also because I felt like I was letting the other person down.

What I would want is for someone to take some time to be all about me. Not just like the idea of me or being with me or a relationship, but to really go out of their way and prove to me they love me with some sort of gesture? I’m not sure, I’m in a different point of life than you and your partner, but from what I’m thinking it would just make me so loved. As a result of my abuse I feel very unloved and I feel like it takes a lot to make me feel it. I also feel like I don’t have that love modeled for me so it’s like driving without a map.

I don’t know if that helps, wishing you a happy Thanksgiving. I’ve not seen a family member come on yet (I’m new) and I’ve been wondering about how you guys react or perceive how we feel.

Feel free to message me

 

[midnightrabbit]

Thank you for sharing, I'm sorry for the experiences you've had that made you find your way to the forums.

This insight is very helpful, actually. It mirrors many of the things I've heard my partner say. I'm lucky that he is now more comfortable with speaking candidly. This is not much of a surprise to me. If anything, it reaffirms for me (and him, I hope) that this is not a personal failing. This is a pattern experienced by others. Thank you.

I have made it clear that sex is off the table until he is ready. I don't pressure or initiate. I am comfortable without it.

Your idea of sharing a gesture of love with him is thoughtful. I will try that. Do you have any specific gestures that would mean a lot to you? We usually engage in non-sexual intimacy (like me brushing his hair), but I feel like I have the capacity and energy for more, or maybe something grander?


To answer your question about the perspectives from friends and family: I can't speak for others, but I will echo what I've seen here.
There's a sense of dread or heaviness that usually starts up before anything is disclosed. For me, I felt like my partner had suddenly lost physical attraction for me. It was devastating in a way--I keep very fit, I'm active, I consider myself at least mildly attractive and in years prior, we had no issues in this department. So I leaned in heavy into unhealthy behaviours of my own to be prettier, be skinnier, be more available...and it didn't work. Instead I felt rejected and unlovable, even after I had done things that didn't feel authentic to me. And on top of this, to feel like I had been screaming into a void for affection, and my partner had stepped out of our relationship to seek out that intimacy elsewhere...well, it shattered me. As I said, I'm dealing with this one day at a time.

I've also retreated from asking for help. I'm normally very independent, but even moreso now. I don't want to put any extra burden on him, and will do everything I can to not ask or perceive myself as being too needy or too much. Again, I'm generally okay with this as I've always been this way. But when I do need help, I feel like it's a struggle. The addictions come with their own host of issues that make commitment and follow through hard. for example, I would love to spend more times with my parents, but I'm usually there alone as my partner doesn't have the energy or capacity to join me. I feel left behind and lonely, and dejected, and I'm having to defend these actions from my family that misinterpret it as him being careless. But I go anyway, and put on a brave face as much as I can.

It's a hard give and take, but with a lot of empathy and care, the storm can be withstood.

 

[bluesteel]

That makes a lot of sense to me, I actually recently realized this is what caused me to push my ex girlfriend away, it’s just so complicated in our heads you have to understand that you’re only ever going to see the tip of the iceberg because it’s hard to no know how deeply the abuse affects us as an outsider because we barely understand it ourselves.

I swore I would NEVER say a word about this to anyone and now realizing all that happened, my perception of reality is shifting. Have you ever heard of that idea that maybe each person perceives each color to look different from another (like for example my yellow could be your blue) and we could never know because you can’t see behind someone’s eyes, well that’s kind of how I feel with this, my whole world is so different when it comes to sex that I even feel like I’m a totally different planet from everyone else.

I currently don’t have a partner and I’m dreading how I would even tell someone new this because I have some sex issues right off the bat.

I’m sure your partner appreciates the intimacy. I just learned that it was possible to have intimacy without sex and that excites me so much. I’ve read about cuddle dates where you do a date and do everything like in anticipation of and leading up to sex but you just instead lie there and cuddle all night, that makes me brain scream YES! YES! YES!!

In terms of a gesture it would have to be something very personal that says “I love you” and it really can’t just be something generic you really have to put thought into it, which is hard I know because it must feel like that makes more work for you.

In terms of not trying to be too “needy” I get that but I think it’s counterintuitive. Men want to feel needed by their partners, especially if you’re in a heterosexual relationship. Coming up with ways to express how he is needed and valued (like remember when you did this for me, I felt it was so special because 1) you did it so well 2) it was better than I thought 3) it had a real impact on my life 4) nobody else could have filled that need)

Even if it’s something simple, men desire to be needed. And to FEEL needed.

The stepping out thing is hard, I’ve been there. I can’t speak for him but when that beast hits me, that need, I become a different man entirely. My brain focuses on one thing only and it is overwhelming. I feel my eyes flicker and I feel like a different person. It’s so hard… I’m not excusing what he did, but I bet he is so so sorry, my ex never found out about my issues or cheating but I know I feel so sorry and it frankly feels like it wasn’t me.

The attraction in those moments feels very heavy, it’s different from the attraction we feel from our partners. It’s almost like we have a different feeling or emotion that exists that nobody else has, it’s different from sex, it’s a drive to fix something though fucking.

For me the childhood shit still plays in my mind, especially in intimate moments. I almost want to just start telling women I’m religious and can’t sleep with them before the 10th date or whatever haha

When would have been the healthiest time for your partner to disclose this to you do you think? I’m single now and I want to get back out there but I don’t want to hurt anyone, especially myself

 

[bluesteel]

I will add that any man that has someone working so hard to make them feel loved is incredibly lucky, I hope to find someone in my life like you one day. It’s really touching and reading your love today has made me feel very hopeful