Revictimization
Saw my T this past week, lots on the plate as usual --- but have been struggling with trying to put a finger on a few (emotions?)....
a few moments before I saw my T i got a call that a very close friend got a definet deployment date for his military duty... my first selfish thought was -- "God what if I Die before he comes home?"
So my T & I talked as hubby2 may get reactivated also (rare but possible) -- so I know that there is fear of abandonment ...
but T said something this time & I need some ideas here --- He said this last surgery I had really triggered a "Revictimization" for me -- I cant seem to get my left or right brain around this concept.
I was asleep thru most of the procedure -- did wake a couple times & the Sleep nurse kept putting her finger to her lips to "shush me", and even vocalized for me to "be quiet" ** that i understand is clear connection to my own SA** but T said the death experience tho' I dont remember this one, revictimized me...
I have always understood the correlation of the angioplasty's as a victimizing -- being spread as if on a cross, hands tied, legs tied, catheter inserted into groin-- paralyzed (docs wont let me stay awake no matter how much i have asked & it is an option but i geuss i talk too much for them or sing & it bothers them personally i think it is funny i can keep some humor going & be happy with the versed input)-- ok so i have managed to understand the outside influences during these experiences...
can anyone shed some light into my stuck brain as to WHY this time is more of a RE victimizing than any of the others? (btw i have been forced to sleep & told shush more than once during my procedures)....
I am being a not so good cardiac rehab patient this time, angry during rehab and being a complete snot to those who are ram rodding the show... and have a real hard time NOT crying during work outs.
I know my ability to bullshit others that I am tough on the outside has given the rehab leaders a "false sense" that I am adjusting ok -- YET this time BEFORE I started I came clean and told them I was scared shitless for some unknown reason.
I just got another ba bing here too -- this time they broke a tooth trying to intubate me easy connection dont like ANYTHING crammed in my mouth, but I was asleep during this time (dead actually)... still havent gotten the cahonas to recall the dentist to repair the damage from that.
I know this is all over the place with crap --
Should I maybe ask my T to help me by doing some hypnosis?
I feel real fucked up with this stuff, and I dont like the fact that I am using anger and sarcasm as a big defense when I know it is hurting someone else who doesnt deserve it.... makes me feel like a bad girl, bad girl.... then to boot I feel like a shit cuz last night I needed hubby2 to go put gas in my car & get me grocerys was so tired & cold is death to my heart .... but he missed his SUPPORT GROUP! NOT FAIR to him, and I feel guilty he placed me before himself in this.
Is it just a simple matter of control issues for me? --- some one help explain the revictimization part, am at a loss and am supposed to do some writing on this.... i do know too that since my experience this last surgery my memories that i have always remembered about my SA are crisper and clearer, as if the pics are more in focus and color now rather than greyed and black and white tho never have been forgotten --- seems as if everything is a trigger all over again??? and it all equals out to ANGER, which is really not good for me physically....
Crikeys - I am babbling on , has anyone else got an idea on this one?
Frustrated ~ Wifey1
ps also any new info on how survivors deal with survivor issues at this stage, its been several yrs of Therapy & the courage to heal etc... but I cant seem to find new info on how survivors deal with the issues at this time in thier lives... i know the issues never go away, but levels of how we deal with them change etc....
a few moments before I saw my T i got a call that a very close friend got a definet deployment date for his military duty... my first selfish thought was -- "God what if I Die before he comes home?"
So my T & I talked as hubby2 may get reactivated also (rare but possible) -- so I know that there is fear of abandonment ...
but T said something this time & I need some ideas here --- He said this last surgery I had really triggered a "Revictimization" for me -- I cant seem to get my left or right brain around this concept.
I was asleep thru most of the procedure -- did wake a couple times & the Sleep nurse kept putting her finger to her lips to "shush me", and even vocalized for me to "be quiet" ** that i understand is clear connection to my own SA** but T said the death experience tho' I dont remember this one, revictimized me...
I have always understood the correlation of the angioplasty's as a victimizing -- being spread as if on a cross, hands tied, legs tied, catheter inserted into groin-- paralyzed (docs wont let me stay awake no matter how much i have asked & it is an option but i geuss i talk too much for them or sing & it bothers them personally i think it is funny i can keep some humor going & be happy with the versed input)-- ok so i have managed to understand the outside influences during these experiences...
can anyone shed some light into my stuck brain as to WHY this time is more of a RE victimizing than any of the others? (btw i have been forced to sleep & told shush more than once during my procedures)....
I am being a not so good cardiac rehab patient this time, angry during rehab and being a complete snot to those who are ram rodding the show... and have a real hard time NOT crying during work outs.
I know my ability to bullshit others that I am tough on the outside has given the rehab leaders a "false sense" that I am adjusting ok -- YET this time BEFORE I started I came clean and told them I was scared shitless for some unknown reason.
I just got another ba bing here too -- this time they broke a tooth trying to intubate me easy connection dont like ANYTHING crammed in my mouth, but I was asleep during this time (dead actually)... still havent gotten the cahonas to recall the dentist to repair the damage from that.
I know this is all over the place with crap --
Should I maybe ask my T to help me by doing some hypnosis?
I feel real fucked up with this stuff, and I dont like the fact that I am using anger and sarcasm as a big defense when I know it is hurting someone else who doesnt deserve it.... makes me feel like a bad girl, bad girl.... then to boot I feel like a shit cuz last night I needed hubby2 to go put gas in my car & get me grocerys was so tired & cold is death to my heart .... but he missed his SUPPORT GROUP! NOT FAIR to him, and I feel guilty he placed me before himself in this.
Is it just a simple matter of control issues for me? --- some one help explain the revictimization part, am at a loss and am supposed to do some writing on this.... i do know too that since my experience this last surgery my memories that i have always remembered about my SA are crisper and clearer, as if the pics are more in focus and color now rather than greyed and black and white tho never have been forgotten --- seems as if everything is a trigger all over again??? and it all equals out to ANGER, which is really not good for me physically....
Crikeys - I am babbling on , has anyone else got an idea on this one?
Frustrated ~ Wifey1
ps also any new info on how survivors deal with survivor issues at this stage, its been several yrs of Therapy & the courage to heal etc... but I cant seem to find new info on how survivors deal with the issues at this time in thier lives... i know the issues never go away, but levels of how we deal with them change etc....
