Revealing Flashback
This could probably just as well have been posted under the Grooming topic, but I chose to do it this way instead. I hope it's okay.
I am 39 years old and for 27 years I have felt shame because I trusted this guy and asked him a question about the size of my genitals(I'd had a lot of anxiety in the locker room at school). He, of course, asked me to show it to him (how he could restrain his glee, I'll never know) and I did. He said they all looked the same flacid and he'd need to see it hard, and the show began. Well, for my entire adult life, I have remembered being complicit at this. Feeling pleasure and willingingly participating in it.
Several weeks ago, as I mentioned in other posts elsewhere, my mental health hopped on a whole new roller coaster with flashbacks occuring for the first time.
Tonight, maybe as a gift from some benevolent being, I had a flashback of the entire first incident. My memories were accurate up until the point I showed him my penis, but then, you know how you have a memory of something as a child and don't remember everything so you fill in the blanks and then relatives or friends tell you, "No, that's not the way it happened," and it's all because your mind tried to fill in the blanks? Well, if my flashback is correct (and so far they've been spot on), he really fucked with my head (I know, nobody here is surprised).
He stimulated me to get me erect, put it in his mouth, and then asked me if I ever jerked off? I had never heard it called this, but I said um, maybe, sometimes, and he said, well, that's okay, that's all we're doing here. He finished me quickly into a handkerchief he had handy and I pulled up my shorts and said I needed to leave. He then said to me, wait, you don't want to get in trouble do you? This is perfectly normal what we've done, guys do it all the time, but they have to keep it a secret. Then he physically pushed me down onto the couch and unzipped his pants and pulled himself out. He said, here, you do the same for me and we'll be even. It will be our little secret. So, I tentatively copied his movements and then he asked me to put it in my mouth and I did, but didn't move or anything and he pushed it into the back of my mouth and I gagged, so he took it out. He placed my hand back on him, and wrapped his own hand around mine and started stroking until he finished into the trusty handkerchief. Then, with me feeling sick and ashamed and afraid of getting in trouble and unsure of this new dynamic in the relationship with the "father figure" I'd known for the past few months, he sat down next to me and said, "Hey, this is fine, don't worry about it. Guys do this kind of thing all the time, and since we've done it together, no one needs to know. And, we can do this from time to time to have some fun, when we don't have anything else to do." Of course, from time to time became every time.
So, this fucker planted in my head that I had initiated everything, he'd gone along and if I took care of him, he wouldn't tell on me. Complete role reversal! I can call my memoirs, "I was a Male Lolita."
Now, for 25 to 27 years, I have held onto this belief that I had initiated the sex, that I had led him on by showing him my genitals.
I don't know how I'll process this new memory, but I'm pissed. I can't believe how long I've held onto this guilt and shame. He was a fucking pro, wasn't he?
There. I just wanted to share.
Chris
I am 39 years old and for 27 years I have felt shame because I trusted this guy and asked him a question about the size of my genitals(I'd had a lot of anxiety in the locker room at school). He, of course, asked me to show it to him (how he could restrain his glee, I'll never know) and I did. He said they all looked the same flacid and he'd need to see it hard, and the show began. Well, for my entire adult life, I have remembered being complicit at this. Feeling pleasure and willingingly participating in it.
Several weeks ago, as I mentioned in other posts elsewhere, my mental health hopped on a whole new roller coaster with flashbacks occuring for the first time.
Tonight, maybe as a gift from some benevolent being, I had a flashback of the entire first incident. My memories were accurate up until the point I showed him my penis, but then, you know how you have a memory of something as a child and don't remember everything so you fill in the blanks and then relatives or friends tell you, "No, that's not the way it happened," and it's all because your mind tried to fill in the blanks? Well, if my flashback is correct (and so far they've been spot on), he really fucked with my head (I know, nobody here is surprised).
He stimulated me to get me erect, put it in his mouth, and then asked me if I ever jerked off? I had never heard it called this, but I said um, maybe, sometimes, and he said, well, that's okay, that's all we're doing here. He finished me quickly into a handkerchief he had handy and I pulled up my shorts and said I needed to leave. He then said to me, wait, you don't want to get in trouble do you? This is perfectly normal what we've done, guys do it all the time, but they have to keep it a secret. Then he physically pushed me down onto the couch and unzipped his pants and pulled himself out. He said, here, you do the same for me and we'll be even. It will be our little secret. So, I tentatively copied his movements and then he asked me to put it in my mouth and I did, but didn't move or anything and he pushed it into the back of my mouth and I gagged, so he took it out. He placed my hand back on him, and wrapped his own hand around mine and started stroking until he finished into the trusty handkerchief. Then, with me feeling sick and ashamed and afraid of getting in trouble and unsure of this new dynamic in the relationship with the "father figure" I'd known for the past few months, he sat down next to me and said, "Hey, this is fine, don't worry about it. Guys do this kind of thing all the time, and since we've done it together, no one needs to know. And, we can do this from time to time to have some fun, when we don't have anything else to do." Of course, from time to time became every time.
So, this fucker planted in my head that I had initiated everything, he'd gone along and if I took care of him, he wouldn't tell on me. Complete role reversal! I can call my memoirs, "I was a Male Lolita."
Now, for 25 to 27 years, I have held onto this belief that I had initiated the sex, that I had led him on by showing him my genitals.
I don't know how I'll process this new memory, but I'm pissed. I can't believe how long I've held onto this guilt and shame. He was a fucking pro, wasn't he?
There. I just wanted to share.
Chris
