Revalation amid horror (EXTREMELY STRONG TRIGGERS!)

[crisispoint]

Please be aware that I MEAN extremely triggering. I wish there was a way to homogenize the negatives with the positives, but there's no way.

I had a flashback this morning, and while they're usually very disturbing and horrifying, this tim, there was a positive outcome.

I wondered why the abuse took a turn from merely manipulative and sadistic to truly violent. And now I know. I fought moron number one. Hard. On at least three occasions. Not merely "resisted," I mean FOUGHT!

I got back that, from the time he "shared" me with another man, that it wasn't just humiliation and forced oral and "simulated" anal sex. The bastard anally raped me for real. And then, moron number one promised me HE'D never do anything like that. Well, when HE raped me, I know why it was doubly traumatic. Someone I loved was hurting me and someone I trusted betrayed me by breaking his promise.

Well, I fought him hard. He used one arm and his body to block one of my arms, but my other arm beat on him, pulled out hunks of his beard, and scratched him. He was busy penetrating me, but when his hand was available, he grabbed my fighting hand. His other hand was over my mouth and I bit him. He bit me back and pinned my arm down so he could finish.

When he tried to kill me the first time, I saw soeone see him dragging me into his office. I fought hard then too, and he ended up beating me unconcious.

I ultimately learned not to fight, because he'd hurt me more, but at one point, I even bit his penis.

It's a strange feeling. I now know I scared him. I SCARED him. He HAD to be savage to maintain control.

I feel weird. I don't feel like I was such a victim anymore. I know I was, but at least I scared him sometimes AT LEAST as much as he scared me.

Good. I hope he had questions to answer. I hope I was the beginning of the end for him.

Peace and love,

Scot

 

[Lloydy]

Scot
what you say means a lot to me, and I bet other Survivors as well.
You fought, that means that you NEVER wanted it.
And that's something we all seem to think, and something that's incredibly hard to overcome.

Your fight was a hard, phsyical, fight. But they were adults and you were a young boy, it wasn't a fair fight.

I doesn't matter if I, or anyone else, had a physical fight, offered physical resistance or just said "NO", any resistance; even just lying in bed crying and imagining that we were strong enough to fight them off, that means we resisted.

And that means it was NEVER our fault.

Dave

 

[reality2k4]

Scot,

we suffered so much in childhood, it is difficult to find the answers to why we got this far, life can never reflect the pain we went through of the physical and emotional fears we faced as little kids. We constantly blame ourselves, because maybe if we were not on this Earth, it would not have happened, or that is what my psyche always told me!!!

It was never my fault, but to me it was, because he would not have done it if he never got to me, he made me compliant in an act of gross indecency to a child, he was so clever in covering his actions by threats to a little boy.

Works most times,

by the way I was ready to cut his dick off with my teeth, maybe the only way to stop it,

ste