RETREAT – on returning - day one
RETREAT – on returning - day one
This a letter to a brother from the NOMSV retreat which ended yesterday. But I post it because it is for all of us who shared our truth.
Now we are back, and it is even harder to face - now that we are not enveloped by the energy of men being vulnerable and speaking their truth. The pain of facing my own demons in the setting I have created to insulate me from myself is the most difficult. I will not let this continue to be me. I have had a glimpse of my child dancing freely and it was the first time he had been free to do that in 50 years.
I now see that I am such a control freak. Your words about being a perp to yourself come back to me - my encouraging words limp in the face of the terror of protection with which I have surrounded myself - how scared I am - how imperative this deadly routine of deadening my self to serve my child's need to feel safe -
Damn it! Damn this pain! Damn this invasion of my life! I WILL NOT SUCCUMB TO THIS CONTINUED TYRANNY OF MY FUCKING MOTHER!!! I will force this change and I will allow this change
I will (what is that Elk quote at the end?) I know the sense of it - that my strength as a man is in my ability to outrun the mountain lion by my steady determination to survive - and I know it is the part of being a man I am most afraid of - afraid of having that strength for myself - (instead of for others)
I will take the truth of this weekend and measure it out each day - and I will speak that truth if only to hear the words of truth - no longer as taunts to myself but as an affirmation that my child and I are here together and WE ARE NOT ALONE!
Thank you my brother.
Tom & Tommy
(yes, that is my real name)
This a letter to a brother from the NOMSV retreat which ended yesterday. But I post it because it is for all of us who shared our truth.
Now we are back, and it is even harder to face - now that we are not enveloped by the energy of men being vulnerable and speaking their truth. The pain of facing my own demons in the setting I have created to insulate me from myself is the most difficult. I will not let this continue to be me. I have had a glimpse of my child dancing freely and it was the first time he had been free to do that in 50 years.
I now see that I am such a control freak. Your words about being a perp to yourself come back to me - my encouraging words limp in the face of the terror of protection with which I have surrounded myself - how scared I am - how imperative this deadly routine of deadening my self to serve my child's need to feel safe -
Damn it! Damn this pain! Damn this invasion of my life! I WILL NOT SUCCUMB TO THIS CONTINUED TYRANNY OF MY FUCKING MOTHER!!! I will force this change and I will allow this change
I will (what is that Elk quote at the end?) I know the sense of it - that my strength as a man is in my ability to outrun the mountain lion by my steady determination to survive - and I know it is the part of being a man I am most afraid of - afraid of having that strength for myself - (instead of for others)
I will take the truth of this weekend and measure it out each day - and I will speak that truth if only to hear the words of truth - no longer as taunts to myself but as an affirmation that my child and I are here together and WE ARE NOT ALONE!
Thank you my brother.
Tom & Tommy
(yes, that is my real name)
