Respite from the rage...
Hey all... haven't been here for a while... struggling something fierce with some of my demons. I've been really angry lately - real rage - at everything. My co-workers, my abuser, my extended family, my ex-girlfriend, society as a whole... you know, the all-consuming fire that ends up destroying nothing except yourself. Then yesterday, it was like something shifted. It was like I let go... stopped focusing on what I couldn't control in others, and what I could do to forward myself.
As usually happens after a shift, I saw the immediate results of the respite from the rage. Last night I was talking to an acquaintence... I wouldn't really call him a friend. We were just talking about nothing really and the subject of spanking came up. He made light of the fact that he was hit as a kid, much like I did about my abuse (physical and sexual) when I first came here. The whole "not a big deal" thing. From what he described, no one could call it "abuse." But there was something under the defensiveness... I know it well. I just sort of said that I didn't think any reason to hit a kid was warranted, and that whether he agreed with me or not, I thought I needed to say that no one should have hit him. It totally floored him... much like the first time someone told me that what happened to me was in fact "a very big deal." (Thanks Mike Church.) I've never disclosed anything to him, so it's not like there was prior knowledge. I didn't disclose anything last night. It was just this... trust. It was really cool.
Just wanted to talk about it I guess. Hope everyone is well.
As usually happens after a shift, I saw the immediate results of the respite from the rage. Last night I was talking to an acquaintence... I wouldn't really call him a friend. We were just talking about nothing really and the subject of spanking came up. He made light of the fact that he was hit as a kid, much like I did about my abuse (physical and sexual) when I first came here. The whole "not a big deal" thing. From what he described, no one could call it "abuse." But there was something under the defensiveness... I know it well. I just sort of said that I didn't think any reason to hit a kid was warranted, and that whether he agreed with me or not, I thought I needed to say that no one should have hit him. It totally floored him... much like the first time someone told me that what happened to me was in fact "a very big deal." (Thanks Mike Church.) I've never disclosed anything to him, so it's not like there was prior knowledge. I didn't disclose anything last night. It was just this... trust. It was really cool.
Just wanted to talk about it I guess. Hope everyone is well.
. it is amazing what a single sentence can do for a person when it is the right time for it! take care, sean.