Resources for Family and Friends

Resources for Family and Friends
R

roadrunner

Registrant
I have been on the Male Survivor site for something over a year, and I have been an active poster in this forum for quite awhile now. One thing I notice is that partners of survivors come here with a lot of misconceptions about the childhood sexual abuse of boys and what it means for them as people in relationships with these survivors.

In particular, I have noticed the following views and ideas, all of which are erroneous:

1. Because my partner was abused that has made him gay or will make him gay in the future.

2. My partner doesn't have sex with me because he doesn't find me desirable or attractive anymore.

3. My partner may harm our children because he himself was harmed.

4. My partner is taking too long in therapy. He should just get over it; the abuse was a long time ago.

5. My partner's story of abuse may be invented.

There are others, but these are the ones that come first to my mind, based on what I have seen here.

I don't think any survivor should blame our partners and friends for these views; society really doesn't do very well by us where public education and information is concerned. But I hope it will help family and friends to know that there are really good resources to answer your questions and address your doubts.

First of all, go to the home page on this site and you will see two sections of immediate interest for you: one on myths about the sexual abuse of boys, and another listing ten facts about the problem. This is info in brief, but it comes on good authority. Those who run Male Survivor include a number of experienced therapists, psychologists and psychiatrists.

Second, there are two books I think every partner ought to have if she/he is interested in supporting a survivor through the rough process of recovery:

1. Mike Lew, Victims No Longer. A classic account and still the most authoritative book on the topic. Very readable and user-friendly.

2. Mick Hunter, Abused Boys. A more concise treatment than Lew's book, but also very good.

Both of these books can be purchased from Amazon through the bookstore link on this site. If you buy through this site, Male Survivor gets a percentage. ;)

Finally, try to understand that the way you process information about abuse is not the same as how a survivor deals with the same information.

For you it may seem exciting and exhilerating to make a lot of new discoveries and see how material in the standard books exactly describes the situation of your partner. You may have in mind that all he needs to do is read and understand the same things and presto, all fixed up!

Unfortunately it doen't work that way. Sexual abuse devastates a boy emotionally and wrecks his self-confidence, his sense of worth, and his vision of his place in the world. In particular, it seriously undermines his ability to trust, not just others but also himself. Unless addressed in childhood these feelings continue into adulthood and can cause the survivor serious harm and trauma.

What this means is that facts which you see in a book, and which you see as convincing just on their intellectual merit, will not be regarded in the same way by a survivor. For him it's not just a matter of learning these things, but also of believing that they have meaning for him personally and trusting them as a basis for rebuilding his life. That is, the task for him is entirely different.

It's a great honor to have family members and friends on the site to participate in our discussions. It means so much that you care. Welcome, and thanks for your love and concern.

Much love,
Larry
 
Larry,

thanks once more for your time and effort to inform and educate all of us; when survivors like you bear your pain in a public forum, you demonstrate tremendous courage by helping others to understand this horrific trauma.

To dispel the myths and misunderstandings you mention above, one must hear first the stories of both experience and healing, recovery and post-recovery; this has to come from survivors firsthand to be most effective.

In turn, the process of educating the public about csa and men will be systematically moved forward so more might heal, and even fewer may be hurt.

all the best,
indy
 
Larry,

Alas-- just as the survivor doesn't change his life based on the facts in a book, the spouse whose world has been knocked upside down can't always accept some of these things even when the info comes on good authority.

But it doesn't hurt to say them again.

Thanks for caring about the people who walk alongside you on your journey.

SAR
 
SAR,

WHAT? Are you seriously proposing that the world doesn't revolve around BOOKS? ;)

L.
 
In dealing with my survivor I realized I have to repeat these truths to him often:

1. I don't see you as "damaged goods." (never have, never will).

2. You are brave/strong for facing your issues. (the process is not easy and you show courage by wanting to grow beyond the past).

3. I won't abandon you. (you're stuck with me, buddy! :)

4. Trust is possible. (and we have some of it! It's good stuff).

5. I respect you. (because of your qualities like protector, provider, hard worker, your sweet side, etc.)

6. You are a smart, handsome, fun and worthwhile person and an even better man! (yes this is how others see you).

7. When you withdraw and become distant, I will keep bugging you and telling you good messages, because I care.
 
Firstly I think it's really great that you've done this post Larry...

''1. Because my partner was abused that has made him gay or will make him gay in the future.''

My opinion about this is that many of us partners of SA survivors have taken the responsibility of reading all the available information and are mature enough to understand and believe that truth. However, when your husband/boyfriend tells you he thinks he might be gay/doesn't know if he wants you, you are then left with that fear. It doesn't really matter how much you tell yourself the rational info that you've learned, cause he's there saying he's not sure about anything! I don't know how it is for others, but I am left with all kinds of fears.......eg;

even if he's not actually attracted to men, he may choose to leave me, because he believes his obsessive fantasy of it to be what he really wants.

also there is the possibility that because he's repressed ALL his sexual feelings, he might actually be very attracted to men and not have allowed/explored that yet.

When you've been with someone for years and have always known you want to be with them forever(even if there've been things you yourself haven't been satisfied with), it's not so easy to discount these fears when they're telling you they've never really been certain about their sexual feelings. This is tripled and some, when there are children involved. The feelings of insecurity and threat under these circumstances are literally a nightmare personally for me.


''2. My partner doesn't have sex with me because he doesn't find me desirable or attractive anymore.''

For me, if my bf could treat me with some kindness and not blank me out totally when awkward sexual moments happen for him, perhaps I wouldn't feel that it's got something to do with how desirable I am to him. I have told him, I do not need to actually have sex, just communication and respect.

Anyway, hope it's Ok that I've written all that. Just some of my own personal thoughts.

Beccy

peace everyone
 
Beccy,

Sure it's okay. I think what you have to say adds a valuable perspective on how this all looks from a partner's point of view.

I would just say that I did not mean to suggest to partners, "Relax, there's nothing to worry about." Taking the business of being gay, for example, I just mean that abuse doesn't "turn" a man gay. I think that's useful to know. It's also useful to know that many survivors fear they are gay or are becoming gay because of the memories they have. They don't yet understand what those memories mean, just as they don't yet understand that the common factor of male/male sex doesn't make abuse a first step to homosexuality.

But sure, there are lots of other considerations to bear in mind, exactly as you describe. I think if I were a partner and mother and my husband came and told me he's afraid he's gay, I would be VERY anxious indeed!

It's not a matter of denying the problem, just of stressing that facing the problem effectively means arming ourselves with accurate information. That has certainly been decisive in my own recovery, and I spent a lot of time and effort dumping all the myths and false ideas I had about what abuse meant and what it had done to me. Doing that made all the difference. I imagine it must also hold true for partners as they seek to confront the terrible harm that was done to the men they love and figure out how this will affect them and their families.

Much love,
Larry
 
"even if he's not actually attracted to men, he may choose to leave me, because he believes his obsessive fantasy of it to be what he really wants.

also there is the possibility that because he's repressed ALL his sexual feelings, he might actually be very attracted to men and not have allowed/explored that yet.

it's not so easy to discount these fears when they're telling you they've never really been certain about their sexual feelings. This is tripled and some, when there are children involved. The feelings of insecurity and threat under these circumstances are literally a nightmare personally for me."

I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND WHERE YOU ARE COMING FROM WITH THIS.
 
Bluebonnet,

Just speaking as a survivor here, I would have to say your points ALL address issues that are enormously troubling to us. Turn those points to their opposites, and THAT's what a survivor is likely to think is really going on. It's been very important to me to hear from my wife that the ways in which I was viewing all these things were NOT true.

Much love,
Larry
 
Hi,

I have been reading through these posts and this passage:

"3. I won't abandon you. (you're stuck with me, buddy!"

strikes at the core of my heart right now. I DON'T want to abandon my husband, but if he is unable to care for himself as an adult, if he is blaming me for everything, if he is unable to participate in our family, if he abandons me regularly, then it's ok for me to separate from him, is it not?

I don't want to further traumatize him.

Thanks.
 
Cecilia,

It is okay for you to protect yourself and your children from harm, and to draw the line about behaviors that you find unacceptable in a grown man and partner, yes.

Separating yourself from harm and unhealthy behaviors is not the same as abandoning a person. I think that is another truth that I would add to Larry's list.

SAR
 
Cecilia,

I have to say, I totally agree with where you're coming from there.

All those reassurances/support statements Bluebonnet says regularly to her partner, I have said many times(even before I knew about the SA). I am now in a place where I'm coming to realise how little my bf has reassured ME throughout our relationship. And given the fact he's never been sure of what he wants(but has led me to believe otherwise), my reckoning is that I equally have a whole load of romantic/emotional needs which are hardly ever met.

In one book I've been reading it says, ''no patients, no saviours''. I have found that a most useful statement. It has helped me to stand up for myself, where previously I've spent 12 years being pretty much treated like s**t. Allbeit in a very subtle and confusing way, which has led to me believing I was a too demanding. I was always appologising for what I thought was my disgracful behaviour, and then being overly grateful for any love I did get. I now remind myself he wasn't really 'with' me that whole time.

Partners 'sense' negative feelings even if they're concealed well. I was just never smart/brave enough to face or understand any of it.

Since I've started standing up for myself and being stronger, things are improving. I am sad on a daily basis for what he may have suffered in his past, but those things were not my fault. We are supposed to be in a relationship where two people consider each-other's feelings, and so far he's always been wrapped up in his own. Under those circumstances, I don't feel it's particularly healthy for me to be continually offering reassurance to him, when I'm lacking so much of it. In my own personal situation, I can't see how that would be helping him to learn what a healthy relationship consists of.

just some more of my personal thoughts...

peace
Beccy
 
Wow Beccy,

That is a fabulous post. I am so proud of you! I feel like you've been working so hard and come such a long way. :)

SAR
 
Beccy,

You really hit the heart of the matter when you say this:

All those reassurances/support statements Bluebonnet says regularly to her partner, I have said many times(even before I knew about the SA). I am now in a place where I'm coming to realise how little my bf has reassured ME throughout our relationship.
Click to expand...
I was absolutely stunned when I began to realize how emotionally one-sided my own relationship with my wife had become. I genuinely had no clue, and I was absolutely incapable of "seeing" the truth that was right before my eyes. I could talk endlessly about why that was happening, but the bottom line would be exactly as you say: not your fault. This didn't hit me until one day we were having some petty quarrel and my wife just lost it in mid-sentence, began to cry, and told me: "Whatever your problem is, it isn't my fault."

That hit me like a freight train, BUT....if she hadn't said that, and if she hadn't insisted on expressing her own views and how SHE was being hurt, nothing would have changed and probably we would not be together today.

Your post, Beccy, reminds me of something that took me a long time to learn. Love isn't enough, or if it is, it has to find it's way through to expression in a way that both partners feel wanted, needed, respected, and appreciated. In all the things you are talking about, I don't think you are expecting anything that isn't ALREADY yours to expect by right.

Much love,
Larry
 
I am taking these points to heart as I prepare to let my husband know about this site and, say Trish's words from another post, that "as I'm seeing so many familiar things here, just consider it a possibility (your csa as a cause of all the weird feelings you're going through).

I don't want to overwhelm him besides just giving him the link to this site, but want to make sure he hears those things from me as well, that he's not damaged goods, none of it was his fault, not alone, trust is possible again, etc., etc.

He's been super busy w/ work lately so I haven't had my opening. I am hoping for Sunday afternoon. He has to work Sun. night. He is going out of town tomorrow (driving-2 hrs away, returning Sat) and I had previously given him "The Kite Runner" audio book for his car, before all this came up, just because it was one of the best books I ever read, and I gave it to him over 2 months ago before any of this came up, this site or his drastic avoidance, any of it. And it is a coincidence that it happens to be a good book for a survivor because of the male/male csa and how it causes the reader to mourn for that child. It's only a part of the book , so not the main theme, though, so I think it will be subtle and effective at the same time. I am hoping he will start to listen to it on the way Friday.

Still feeling sad/hopeful/urgent/panicky/neglected,
 
Thankyou for those kind words Sar and Larry. They've really touched me....I have been working really hard to change my side of things and sometimes it's so hard to be tough and strong, but I've realised that if I want to be respected, that is what I have to do. I guess probably a lot of women find that quite difficult? It's funny cause I used to thing I was a strong woman, but now I realise i really wasn't, it was just kind of defensive and then crazy hysterics!

Brokenhearted, I've just been reading/replying to your other posts and I send you strength and hope...

peace everyone,
Beccy
 
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