Resource for men who act out sexually AND their partners

Resource for men who act out sexually AND their partners
H

Hopeful wife

Registrant
My husband is one of the men on this site who has acted out sexually. His acting out was more of a compulsion and totally sexual in nature and was not romantically inclined. I discovered his acting out earlier this year and since that time we have both been actively trying to work on our relationship and change behaviour patterns. I still visit this site often although I have not posted anything for a long time. ( I suppose that makes me a lurker :D )

One of the most difficult things for me when I discovered his behaviour was the lack of resources for partners, I wanted an "explanation" or to understand how I would ever be able to trust him again...how would I know if he was still acting out?

I found some support on this site and I am eternally grateful to those who replied to my first post (written the day after the truth came out)but there is definately a difference between dealing with a loved ones abuse and dealing with a partners infidelity.I was fortunate to be contacted by another wife in the same position via P.M. and we have established a strong friendship which has sustained us through some hard times... which have not made it to these pages.. :)

One of the things that I have always felt was that whilst my husbands acting out behaviour is as a result of his CSA it will still have to be dealt with as a seperate entity. The way I see it is that if you become a drug addict as a result of your abuse it would certainly help you to work on your abuse issues but at the end of the day it would not get you off the drugs, to get off the drugs would need a plan geared towards drug addicts. I feel the same about "acting out". My husband has had to accept that he has a sexual addiction (which sounds worse than it is). I know there is a lot of resistance to this "title" but sexual addiction is not wanting sex all the time but rather a sexual compulsion,sexual behaviour which is hurting those around you,behaviour which is hurting yourself etc. I am no expert but there are numerous websites which will explain sexual addiction and which offer tests which will tell you if you have a sexual addiction or not.

I recently discovered a website which deals with sexual addiction and offers workbooks/ workshops for the person with the sexual compulsion and for their partners. It is the first resource that I have found since starting this healing journey that I feel is talking to me about me!!!My husband printed the workshops out and we have been working through them. From both sides we are constantly going "thats exactly how I feel" and it has really helped to have something that is straight forward and no nonsense for me as a partner. The website is www.recoverynation.com and I would recommend it to those who have acted out sexually and their partners.

I hope that this may be of help to someone..

Keep Well
Hopeful Wife
 
WOW! That is GREAT! I've wondered how things are with you and your husband. Thanks for sharing this information.

tx_space
 
Hopeful!!

Thank you SO much for sharing this -- I took a quick look -- and will continue to explore this wonderful site.

What a wonderful resource.

Lizzie
 
Hopeful
I haven't got time right now to look properly at that site, and it's one that I haven't seen before and at a quick glance looks interesting.

Especially to a guy like me who's acting out was the crisis that sent me to therapy.
But the last time I acted out was 1998, so there is hope.

Stick with it, work together, and anything is possible.

Dave
 
Thanks for all the responses. I'm glad that this may be of help to others.

A word of warning regarding the recovery nation website...

The website appears to be targetted by hackers and so I would advise reading and printing out the material but not registering for any of the forums just get. It seems to have been run as a "good deed" by a recovering sex addict and it would appear that his work has come to the attention of other professionals and will shortly be moving to a secure server. I would advise joining the forums only then.

To those who remember my husband and myself,a quick update...

We have had some up's and downs over the past few months but recently there have been far more up's than down's :)
He is still seeing a psychologist and they are dealing more with the abuse issues whilst at home we are dealing more with the Recovery Nation workshops.I am so proud of him for having the courage to deal with all these issues and face them head on,it can't be easy. One of the points made in the workshops is that it won't work (long term) to say " I feel like acting out...but I won't" but that recovery is achieved only when you genuinely no longer actually want to act out any more...so that is our goal and I believe that if he keeps on the path he is on right now we WILL get there.

We became parents again on the 10 May to a beautiful healthy little girl,(I was 5 months pregnant when I discovered his acting out),we both felt guilty about all the stress she must have felt inside me all those months and yet she is always smiling and is a real incentive to him to never go back to his old habits.He now has two little girls who love him and need him as well as a wife who wants to grow old with him.

To all the other partners out there I wish you the best in dealing with your partners issue's and to all the guy's: Don't give up...

Hopeful
 
GREAT post Hopeful Wife,

This is some helpful information that makes so much sense. Partners of MS are often left in the lurch as to how to help themselves during such troubled times, much less their partners. I have read it and can't wait until my husband and I are able to go through it together.

I too have been sustained by a greatfriendship via this channel. I don't know how crazy I would be now without her! :-)

Resources like these have really helped friends and family members to cope with this awful situation. Thanks again.
 
Hi, it looks like a really interesting site. I'll say more on a different thread.

Take care,
Clifford
 
I thought that since the issue of "acting out" sexually still seems to be very relevant to many on the "Friends and Family" forum that it couldn't hurt to revive this old post and share it with some of the new members who seem to be going through the same issues.

It is difficult to find information that is specifically geared towards partners, so I hope that this may be of help to someone.

Best wishes
Hopeful Wife
 
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