Resentment

[time2heal]

This is an excerpt from a respone Larry had written to Tom and it has so much meaning to me.

What we don't acknowledge here, however, is the other side of the coin. Abused boys will devote their heart and soul to keeping their terrible secret; they fear discovery more than anything else, even as they wish someone would notice and help them. There's also the fact that until recently the abuse of boys wasn't recognized as a social and criminal issue: not by the police, not by social services, not by parents.

I have resentment for my mother and other relatives related to this. I also in 4th and 5th grade had two teachers who could SEE and questioned it but did not pursue it as I hid it deeper. I get so pissed off on this because anyone of these people could have helped me change life so long ago. Lastly I worked in a school district on contract many years ago and during that time I over heard teachers talking about problem students and how they didn't want those kids disrupting there class. I just wanted that day to slap them them all and yell look closer that is the child that really needs you.

 

[phoster]

all of us have those people. i think of my own parents. even my own father talks of how 'moody' i am. they caught me acting out with boys and girls, and never thought to find out why. an 8yo boy shouldnt know about sex, and yet they wrote it off to childhood games. i mentioned above how i told them and things havent been the same. i think they can look back now and see the signs, and i think they have a lot of guilt over it. they should.

 

[melliferal]

Originally posted by phoster:
all of us have those people. i think of my own parents. even my own father talks of how 'moody' i am. they caught me acting out with boys and girls, and never thought to find out why. an 8yo boy shouldnt know about sex, and yet they wrote it off to childhood games.

That could be because all the popular parenting "manuals" out there insist that it is normal for kids to do such things, and that parents should give them privacy at such times. This is amazingly ludicrous - I don't remember ever giving two shakes about things sexual, until my abuse started.

 

[roadrunner]

time2heal,

What I would dearly like to know - but have no clue about - is what teachers are taught to look out for as signs of possible physical or sexual abuse. What we really need is a corps of teachers who have been systematically trained to recognize the signs, help kids to talk, and liaise with police and social services.

I also think that in the US there needs to be more attention to protecting teachers who DO involve themselves from possible legal complications. It seems to me that in the US these days anyone can be sued for anything.

Much love,
Larry

 

[JAAY]

A "child abuse" reporting class is required as part of New York State teacher certification. It informs the teacher that they are "mandated reporters" for child abuse. It is a one time training and generally done as part of a college program. Each state as it own "teacher certification" office and each state has its own requirements in regard to teacher training. I hope this provides some information.
Jaay

 

[roadrunner]

Jaay,

Thanks for that. Does that mean that if a teacher or counselor promises a troubled student confidentiality and then discovers that the problem is sexual abuse, the teacher must report it regardless of what he told the student?

I suppose part of the training program, then, is the caveat not to make promises you cannot keep.

Larry

 

[roadrunner]

Jacob,

I think that self-resentment is a feeling that any boy would naturally feel if relations he cares about were hurt in his presence or with his knowledge and he did nothing to stop it. But I hope you will look back and ask yourself what you really could have done IN THAT SITUATION.

The answer is usually very simple: nothing. An immature boy does not have the physical or emotional resources to confront such a situation, and as adults we have to guard against trashing ourselves for failing to do, as kids, the things that we now think, as adults, might have been possible.

Much love,
Larry

 

[roadrunner]

Jacob,

But what can anyone really do in a situation like that?

Nothing my friend. A child can do nothing. Abusers make sure the kid is isolated and powerless when things start, and I, for one, can exactly remember how I reacted when the abuser first told me take off my trousers. I froze, thought to myself "I'm all alone, what's happening?", and then did what I was told. I just wanted the "scaredness" to stop so I could go home.

My situation was a little different than most, and there are things that were done because of the direct choices I made that would not have been done otherwise.

A person only has a choice when he knows he has a choice, when he can weigh options and decide what he wants and what is best for him. A child in an abuse situation is not in that position at all, not even if he "goes along" with the abuse.

Again the example from my own case. By the time I was 12 I had been subjected to ever intensifying demands and pressures by the abuser, mixed with lies about how I wasn't loved at home and how he (of course) loved me and would help me. As it became clearer to me that I was just being used and tricked, he was at the same time tearing me up emotionally with ever more humiliating and disgusting demands. So the more I realized how bad it was becoming the less I was able to respond. By the time I was 12 he could just drive up and call to me and I would get in his car. No problem; I no longer cared. I didn't think I was worth any better than this. He had seen to that.

That wasn't a choice in any meaningful sense of the term, Jacob, and I bet the same applies to you. In order to understand how we reacted to abuse we first need to look clearly and frankly at the horrific emotional damage done to us beforehand.

Much love,
Larry